MisAdventures Of A Young Adult

     It's been a while since I last posted. It's funny how fast time flies, it doesn't feel like it's already July. Lately in my life I've been thinking about everything. Isn't that what life is about? I've been working more lately and haven't been able to be at home a whole lot.


     You know, I like my job. I work maintenance at my local Wal-Mart. It isn't a bad job, it pays the bills. But lately it's just been getting harder and harder. I'm a very hard worker. I try my best to make sure that my job is done completely and perfect. There are good days and there are bad days. Like today, I came into work and got straight to it. It was very crazy today probably because of the 4th of July coming in just 3 days. We had so many lines at the cash registers and it was backing all the way to the shoe department. Being maintenance I was called non stop and it was getting harder and harder to focus on each task. Let's just say I pushed through and got to clock out and now I'm home relaxing.


     Seems like lately it's been waking up and going to work then coming home and going straight to bed. I honestly hate it sometimes,  but life isn't about partying and having fun. I can have fun occasionally but not all the time. Tonight at work a customer made a comment while walking out the door that actually got to me. She walked by and made the comment that Wal-Mart employees are retards and she said it right in front of her children. I couldn't believe she would say that right in front of me. See, a lot of customers say some pretty rude things to me that I just brush off but this comment actually got to me. Sometimes I think it's the stupidity of people that have no idea what it is like for us. Some actually have compassion but others have no patience. Oh well I guess..


     Recently Zach and I celebrated our engagement. We had friends and some family there. I really wanted my mom and dad to be there but they weren't. I understand that they aren't so close to me anymore. But I honestly do miss them, more than they know. We had a great time, but I'm honestly glad that it is over. Just one less thing I have to worry about.


     Now, I get to focus on our townhouse. We have an inspection coming up and so now I have to focus on cleaning the house completely and making sure that it is up to inspection guidelines. I'll be glad when that's over as well.


     Well,  I figure that I'm going to make it a task of mine to write everyday. I'll do my best at least


Thanks!


A Song Bird (:

Our Futures..

     A couple days ago I was talking to Zach about our futures. We have tried in the past but haven't really taken it as serious as it sounds. To some it might not sound as important, but to me I think it's very important since we are both young and live on our own. When we first moved in together I thought it was the most amazing thing in the world. I never realized that we would be moving in so quick, but life is kind of funny that way. Since we started dating, I've always imagined what our life would be like. My own little fantasy land if you want to call it that.


     We would move in and live together, our relationship would grow and we would become engaged. We'd both have jobs and we would save money. Our careers would come to play after we went to some schooling and got our diplomas. We'd spend more time together and really learn about each other more.We'd plan our wedding maybe a year to two years after becoming engaged, etc. To bad something in life aren't always the way you thought it would be.


     While yes some of the things I've mentioned have came true. They also came quicker than I thought. Isn't it funny about life yet again? I love Zach, don't get me wrong. We've been through a lot together. Our families both have their doubts, some more than others, but yet we are still here. When we first started dating and all the drama was going on I honestly thought to myself.. " This isn't going to last.."


     We've overcome a lot. Fights, disagreements, families need to input on everything we have done or did wrong in their eyes, etc. We are still strong. We are overcoming obstacles everyday.


     Our futures are looking up for us right now. We are looking into our careers, what we want to do with our lives. We are looking at the schooling it will take for us to achieve our goals. We are planning an engagement party even though the odds are against us, we are doing it for us. This is about our futures. Not what futures our family thinks we need, but what is best for us. Our own decisions are being made. Yes we aren't going to impress family or make them change their opinions but it isn't about them, it's about us.




- The Songbird-
    

Odd Days..

     Yesterday I wasn't having the best of days. I woke up and got ready for work. Normal things like eating breakfast, driving to work, etc. I tried to focus on the positive things in my life. I always try and do that everyday. I'm tired of being in a slum.


     Anyways, when I was at work I had a great day. I was doing my job and having fun with co-workers. My relief came in at 12 and I was just about to go on my lunch when I was called for a task. Taking the initiative I got my tools and was ready to make a bale. My co worker started to talk to me about the previous day. He began to talk down to me, telling me things that only a boss would tell me, not a co worker.


     I have had much respect for this man, seeing that he has been there longer than me. But something inside me blew up. See, my parents have taught me to respect my elders. I have done this forever. I told him with respect that I didn't understand how he could treat me like I'm nothing, or go to management whenever I don't do anything like how he does. I told him that I didn't like the fact that I give him respect and I get nothing in return.


     He began to get angry and told me to shut up, etc. All I did was complete my task and then go take my lunch. When my other co worker came in I told him that I just needed to stay was to stay away for a while from him. After what happened, it made me feel different. I came to work to make money and have fun.


     I realized last night after a Skype call with my mom, that I didn't realize the real reason for work. I come to work for myself and Zach. For the both of us to be able to live in a place and not have to worry about where we are going to stay, or whether or not we have enough food in the house. I work to make money and  to have the positivity of knowing that I have a job and I can make money.


     So now, I get to go to work. Knowing that I'm making money and learning new things at the same time.


Have a great night Songbirds..


-The Songbird-

A New Name for Myself

     In the past I've written about how my life long passion was to become a journalist. For so long I haven't focused on what I really wanted to do. I just came up with something that was closest to my passion. I don't want to become a journalist anymore. I want to be a certified event planner.


     I've done some research on becoming an event planner. It's somewhat harder than what I thought, but I love it. I've throw a few parties so far. Small get together for a going away party, birthday parties,etc. When I told Zach I wanted to do this he told me that I will still have to keep my day job. Of course! It's something on the side for now, until it becomes a full time thing. I'm so excited though.


     I haven't given up my hobby which is writing. Even though I don't post a whole lot more. I promise though to write at least every day, even if it is a small piece. I love writing, it's a great stress reliever.


     Party planning has always been my passion. I love seeing the happy kids or the smiles on peoples faces. We'll see where this goes.


Keep Positive Songbirds..


_ The Songbird_

My Thoughts Exactly

     My mom has the right idea. She is here until Sunday along with my dad, brother, and his friend. Since yesterday was my day off, I took my brother and his friend for a ride along the town. We saw train tracks, a couple of new places built, and we went over to my house where the boys both got to meet my cat, Koda. We went to where I work and got some drinks. We went to Taco Bell and ate some delicious food and even went swimming. Zach, Jonathan, and Monty went swimming while I sat on the side with my feet in the water.


     I was able to spend time with my mom today something I was in dire need of. We went to Village Inn both ordered the same thing; Chicken Fried Steak, Eggs, Hash Browns, and Pancakes. Let's just say I walked away stuffed and happy.


     Anyways, when we were talking I realized something she said was something I much needed to hear. We were talking about family. Just talking about family is hard for me. I've reserved much comments I'd really like to tell my extended family. Out of respect for my elders and the unneeded drama, I've held my tongue.


     I've watched my mom cry and struggle. It's devastated me. I saw this yesterday, my mom cried and it broke my heart. A woman who has been put through a lot, who is on vacation only to have fun who is crying. My heart was broken again. The bullcrap of other's not understanding and obviously not caring just amazes me. I wish my family would grow up and while yes I would love to tell the people who have made many cry especially my mom where to shove it. I'm still going to hold my tongue.


     There is too much drama going on in my family, I'm not going to sit here and take it or deal with it anymore. Life's to short for drama, and the stupidity of others and the hatred shown towards those that have given to much of their lives to those that don't respect it.


- The Songbird-

My 30 Day Challenge

     I have an obsession. Now I never thought I'd be so obsessed about Facebook. It started five years ago and it slowly grew. Two years ago it was the focus of my summer, and it definitely wasn't the best.


     I realized something today with the help of my mom. I need a break from Facebook for a while. So I'm giving myself a 30 day challenge. I will not be on Facebook for 30 days. I'll admit it'll definitely be hard. I get on Facebook whenever I can. It's kind of like my newspaper in the morning.


     I think I need this break from Facebook because I need my focus and time back. For so long, I've wasted my time always on Facebook.


     Focusing on my life is most important. I can focus on my party planning business, focus on this blog, write stories and learn business and do what I love. This is something I need to do for me.


     So, here it goes...


           My 30 day challenge to not be on Facebook. After my 30 days, I'll post the results.


- The Songbird-

Green Thumb

     I've never had a green thumb, period! When I was younger I had a couple plants in my room. Honestly I thought I was amazing. I had a Ficus, and another odd named one that obviously I can't remember. They sat on my desk in my cute little room in North Carolina and never left that spot.


     I tried to take very good care of them. Watering them daily, making sure they had enough sunlight, and also being kept in a safe place away from my dog. I basically listened to whatever my mom said. Well... I tried to anyways.


     They aren't with me anymore. My mom has them in Iowa now. I was slowly but surely killing them. My mom would check on them while I was at school ever so often to make sure they were still alive. She would tell me that I over watered them or under watered them and so to keep them alive and not dead.. I gave them to my mom to watch over.


     When I did have them it brought a sense of pride to my self esteem. Now, I know it may sound weird to some, and it might just make sense to the others. Now mind you I was also around maybe 11 or 12..? Maybe older? I can't remember. All I remember is when I had them in my room it brought a certain light and energy into my mood and vibe. They made my room colorful. It brought individuality to my personality and room. Yes they were green, but it was something different.


     Now that I have my own place. I want to retry my luck with my green thumb. A small plant to start out would be nice. Something colorful to add to our little place. I would only face the issue of our cat. He's not to bad, but put something new and something he can dig in and we'd got an issue. We'll see about it.


     I'd really like to have my own garden. I think it'd be pretty cool to grow your own plants. Veggies and fruits you can pick and now that they weren't tampered with when being put in the produce shelves. That's something for the future when we get a bigger house with our own backyard. But we aren't in a rush, so it's kind of nice being able to dream about something and see exactly how you want it to look.


That's my dream I guess..


- The Songbird-

Staying Organized

     A couple days ago I cleaned the entire house. Believing that we had an inspection I hustled and worked really hard to make sure the house was spotless. I shampooed the carpets, I scrubbed the bathrooms and tidied up the kitchen. I'll admit, I actually felt great while I was cleaning. Since then, I've made a cleaning chore chart. Keeping to the chart has actually made me feel better. It's nice to come home to a clean house. Now that I have the physical aspect of my life clean, I need to start on other parts.


     My new year's resolution was to start making my life better. I'm slowly but surely doing that. Keeping a positive attitude and making each day better and better. I need to start taking better care of myself. Health wise I mean. I know how I need to start doing that. Healthier foods in my life, healthier snacks, and no more fast food. Period! I need to start drinking more water and less soda, start exercising more and going to bed at a reasonable hour.


     I need to start blogging more, when I was it was helping me more. So look for more pieces! I need to start focusing on my future and my future with Zach. I need to talk to my family more, and show them that I love them.


     There's so many things that need to be completed, and that's why I have forever to complete them. So here's me shining the light on my future. Here's time for a much needed change in my life for the better.


- The Songbird-

Playing House

     When I was younger my brother and I would make a big house in either of our rooms. We'd have a kitchen, a living room, a bedroom, etc. We'd play around for hours on end trying to get our mom involved in the game. It was all a game back then, and that's the way I remember it. Growing up, I started to realize that our little game turned out to be something more. Reality kind of kicked in and from that point on sitting in my single living class I knew the game wasn't real.


     My teacher used to tell us everything about when we would finally move out. She told us the responsibilities of every decision we made from the apartment, to how much we could pay, how much money we would have to save, and if we would move in with a roommate to split the cost of everything in half. It's funny actually, after I met Zach and we were both about to be graduating seniors. I remember one day asking him a question, not really knowing that it'd happen in the future. I asked him if when we graduated, would he want to be my roommate. Ironic, right?


     Senior year went by in a blur. So many things happened, I don't remember a whole lot. When we graduated, everything changed. Now I had a job, and I was making money. Taking care of my brother while my parent's were away and it was going okay. I didn't realize how important it was at the time, because I'll admit I goofed off. I think every teenager who doesn't have their parent's there, and has free range does it. No parties were started there though, so that's one thing I can be positive on.


     After leaving my parent's it definitely was different. Staying at my grandma's just made me feel like I wasn't independent. Now, that Zach and I were dating he spent more and more time around me which made me feel special. Still does to this day, and even though we fight and argue I still love him every night I go to bed and every morning I wake up. He helped me when I thought my parent's hated me because of what I had done.


     Moving out of his mom's place was hard for him too. Sometimes I feel as though I made him move out to fast. He tells me no, that he's happy that we have what we have. We have our days when it comes to this.


     Now that we have been living together almost a year, it's shocking. We've got our own furniture, a TV, a queen sized bed, dressers, etc. I never thought that I'd be where I am today. My very own house. See, the difference between when I played as a kid was the fact that as a kid I didn't have bills, a car, and living with my fiancee. Now, I have to clean the house, pay bills, and work for money for food, clothes, and taking care of Koda.


    I'm glad I played house with my little brother, soon one day he is going to have his own place. He'll feel the independence of saying " I have my own place". Yes, there will be some bumps in the road, and you might feel like you don't know what your doing or where your going. I've felt that way many of times, but once you get the hang of it. You'll love it.


- The Songbird-

Mother's Day..

     I've given much thought into how I was going to write this. I have the crinkled up papers to prove it to you. Mother's day is a very special day to me. Special because I have the one person who I don't think I could live without, my mom. I hope she's reading this too.


    
    While I was at work today, being in retail there was a rush as always for the perfect mother's day present. Frantic fathers and wondrous children crowded my store in search for something to make their mom smile on their very special day. I couldn't help but to think about my mom, all the memories we share, and the fact that I won't be able to give her a hug on her special day. It made me sad a little.


    
    See, I've written in the past about the disagreements with my mom. People that are around me, don't exactly understand our relationship. They question me sometimes, wondering why am I still in contact if we argue? I simply tell them, I can't stay away from my mom. She's been in my life the whole time with every step, every word, every adventure, and every memory we have together is something very special. My mom truly is my best friend, my hero, and most importantly my role model.


    
    I've been thinking about my mom for a while, ever since I left the house and everything changed. I don't get to give my mom hugs anymore, or see her everyday. But the time's that we Skype or text or call are very important to me. See, she's coming this week and so is my dad and brother and I can't wait. I'm ecstatic, to say the least. I look forward to giving my mom the biggest hug ever. I miss her like crazy she just doesn't even know it.






    
    Mom, I know that I'm not with you right now. I can't wait to see you and give you the biggest hug. I love you so very much mom! I'll always be your stinky, the little girl you remember running down the hallways. I'll see you soon momma. Here's my song for you. Have a great day and don't let anything bring you down.




Love Always,


Your Songbird


                                          Happy Mother's Day to ALL mom's! You are all amazing!

Misadventures Of A Young Adult..

     I haven't posted lately. Life's been really busy for me, so many things going on. I'm in the process of jump starting my business, " Life of The Party". I'm in the process of planning my engagement party. I'm working great hours, thirty six hours. Saving money slowly but surely.
  
      I've been working some pretty good hours, consistent hours which means for some really good paychecks. I worked 8:30 to 5:30 today by myself for most of the day. I've been able to get better and better at my job. A couple nights ago, I checked the mail and my discount card came in for working for Wal- Mart for close to four months. I wish to get farther with this company than I did with Safeway.




     Party planning is another thing that I'm really going to start focusing on. I was able to plan it our and purchase some business cards to promote my business. As for advertising, I need to start working on the Facebook, Twitter, and the website for " Life of The Party". It's a work in progress, but whenever I get free time, I get a little further with my planning.


     I recently celebrated my twentieth birthday. Let's just say.. it wasn't what I was expecting. I spent at least half the day by myself, in my PK's and being lazy and watching T.V. I made meatloaf and mashed poratoes at my grandparent's house. It definitely was a weird birthday. I missed my parents, it was very hard. I'll be able to see them soon, I can't wait to give my mom a hug, joke around with my dad " Butterflies"! He'll know what I mean! Give my brother a hard time, but most importantly reconnect with my family and tell them how very much they mean to me. But hey.. I'm officially twenty years old!


     I'm in the slow process of planning my engagement party. It's very stressful trying to plan this. See.. I believe that I'm a perfectionist, I don't know how I got it but I have it. I want it to be cute, yet amazing. I've been going through a bunch of themes in my head and the only one I really like is "Starry Night". To bad it's going to be during the day.. But I love the theme, so I'm sticking with it.


     So there you go from the Misadventures of A Young Adult..


- The Songbird-
    

Early Morning..

     This particular morning I find myself still awake from yesterday's long day. I find myself making a cake, cleaning the house, folding laundry, getting Zach's birthday present ready for Sunday, and writing this piece. I know it's been a while, I've been busy. Sorry.


     I've thought for the past couple of days.. " What would I write?" and nothing.... I mean nothing came to my mind. Strange right? I always have things on my mind.


     Yesterday, I was busy doing stuff for me. I kind of had a pamper day. Never had one before, so it was a new experience. I got my hair professionally colored, and my nails done. Two very new concepts for me as I have done my own nails for as long as I can remember getting nail polish and doing my hair for a while with those wonderful box sets.


     It felt like an amazing thing. To pamper yourself every once and a while. Zach's birthday present to me.. Early! As I sat in the chair while she was coloring my hair I couldn't help but feel happy. My best friend with me, I felt confident. I felt independent.


     That feeling has been coming more and more to me. Independent. A new concept to me since I lived with my parents until last summer. I feel more independent. More able to do things that I want and things I enjoy, within my limits of course.


     It feels weird being up this late,  or early.. doesn't matter. Like yesterday, today will be as equally busy as I will be trying to clean the house and frost a carrot cake all before 12:30. So I end my piece with the blissful thought of my newfound independence. I love the way I feel right now. Nothing could possibly change my thoughts, I'm a stronger person because of it.


- The Songbird-

A Writer..

     Ever since I can remember, I've had a pen in my hand. It started when I was given my very first journal. I don't remember exactly how old I was but I remember my mom giving me a Winnie the Pooh journal and telling me that I can write anything I want in it.  So since that very day I've been writing journals. In Middle School, I used to write little mini stories and poems. Leading right into High School, I tried to take classes that I was interested in. Mostly english and writing classes were something that I loved. Creative Writings really brought out my love for writing little short stories it would be about anything and everything.

     In High School, I told myself that I was really going to find out what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't realize how important finding out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life until my Junior Year. I slacked off Freshman and Sophomore year, which I regret. I didn't actually take my studies seriously. Junior year, I buckled down and told myself that the next two years of my High School career were very important.

     I flip flopped from different careers, I wanted to be a massage therapist for a while until I wanted to become a chef. Then I told myself that I wanted to be in the Navy because I was in NJROTC. Then, I sat down one day and really thought about something that I truly loved. Writing was the things I loved the most.

     For the very reason why I started this blog. I wanted to expand my writings, get more writing out and onto something that I can go back and read them forever. Now that I've been able to graduate and get into the "work" mode of my life I want to focus on my studies again. I enjoy learning, and if I can succeed in life with writing, it's something I want to do.

     So i'm going to make sure that I start looking for pell grants, or anything that will help me further my education.

- The SongBird-

There Will Be Time...

     Soon, my family is going to come back here to Colorado. Soon, there will be tears shed as they leave, and then I'll be alone again. Now I'm not saying this as negative as what it may sound like, but it kind of is. I've lived with my family for my whole life until last summer. I honestly can't changed what happened that summer, but if I did I would change how it turned out.

     I would have changed the fact that instead of leaving my mom and dad a note telling them I left, I should have waited till they came home and then sat down and talked to them. I wish I  would have brought Zach over more so my parents could get to know him as well as I do.  I've had many dreams about everything that's happened and I still think it would have been better if I did it that instead of leave the note. I didn't realize how much damage I really did until they came back. The result in my actions, tore us apart and I never thought that I would be talking to them again. I couldn't do that though, I had to talk to my parents most importantly the person who I connected with the most.. my mom.

     Yes, I will admit it felt very different coming over to the house for a short period of time until they moved. We barely spoke words with each other, and it didn't feel the same. Since that summer, and moving out and in with Zach has definitely changed my views on a many great things. I've learned a couple things that I am going to live with for the rest of my life.

     A couple nights ago I was laying right next to Zach and I just closed my eyes. He reached out for me and I snuggled in his arms, my most safest and most comforting place actually. He began talking to me about everything that we had accomplished, and had done since we met. He was telling me what he had on his mind and I was doing the same thing with mine.

     I talked about that summer, and what I did. I told him about how I wished I could change somethings. I told him that I was going to live with those decisions forever. I broke down in tears. He rubbed my hair and told me that I couldn't take them back only learn from them and move on. I told him about how I missed my family, and that even though he is here I feel alone sometimes. I don't really have a whole lot of supportive family on my side here in Colorado. That's when he started to talk to me about his thoughts.

     He told me that he feels like it was partly his fault as for my feeling alone. See, his family is here in Colorado and they are VERY supportive of him. He goes over to his Grandma's and Mom's almost every night. I can't do that. He gets to see his mom almost everyday depending on work, where as I only see my mom once in a blue moon if our schedules work out for an hour or two Skype call. When we first moved in, I was so excited that we would be living together. Just the two of us! But I realized, I wasn't going to be the girl who took him away from his family. I didn't want that to be the relationship between my future mother in law and myself.

     He went over every night, and I was okay with it. But, the only thing that really hurt me sometimes was when I'd go over with him. I'd get rants and raves over the fact that he didn't come home to a home cooked warm meal even though I did that for him almost every night depending on whether or not I worked. By the time he'd get home, it'd be cold. I'd be tired and ready for bed, but I was having the hardest of times trying to wrap my head around those rants and raves.

     Anyways, we laid and talked about a great many things. Tears were shed from both of us. I realized from that talk that I won't have all the time to be with my family when they come down for a while. But during some of the time that they are home, I want to spend as much time with them. I've already made plans with my parents and taking them out to a nice sit down restaurant and talking with them, really letting them know how I feel. Taking my brother and his friend to Taco Bell since they miss it in Iowa, and a nice sit down restaurant to do some bonding.. ( in otherwards talking about Xbox and Call Of Duty). Getting them presents for their birthdays and getting a special mother's day and father's day present.

     I want to spend as much time with my family as I can, cause like I said there will be tears but there will also be laughter.

Better Care.. For a Healthier Me

     For a while, I haven't really been taking good care of myself. Laziness just kicked in and I didn't do anything to stop it. Zach made me realize this last night when I was picking at the heels of my feet. It's something that I've done for a while. I do it because one it's something to do (yes, not a very good one) but I also do it when I get nervous. I have been picking my heel more and more now and I know I shouldn't. It's like something that I can't stop doing. I'll pick it so bad to where it will bleed.

     Horrible, right? I know. I complain all the time about how my feet hurt and now I'm realizing the stupidity of when I pick my heels. Zach is constantly on my case about how I shouldn't, and I'm trying my best not to. Now, I put lotion on my feet before bed and I try to not touch them when i'm laying in bed or watching tv in bed.

     He's right though, about taking better care of myself. I want to live for a long time.

     I've got to start thinking about my health, and everything else.

- The SongBird-

Missing My Parents

     Since I was a little girl, I've had a connection with my dad that I never want to lose. Like with my mom, I have a connection that I hope will never leave. I love my parents, they have done plenty of things that I believe make them good parents. Raising me, taking care of me, feeding me, making sure that I accomplished high school, etc. We've had our differences, and many many arguments and things like that. Overall, I believe that my parent's are doing what any other parent does.

     When I was young, my dad would make me laugh all the time. When he would come home from work I would run after him. He'd body slam me on the water bed and I'd laugh up a storm. We'd watch movies together, and when I was in the stage of Tea Parties he would gladly participate and make me feel like a princess. My parent's showed me videos that they made when I was younger. Shaking my butt to my mom's favorite song. Holding my brother and trying to tell everyone what my dad was repeating. Those moments I miss.

     I was thinking about my parents this morning. Now that I live with Zach, I can't see my parents like what I used to. Since they live in Iowa, I miss them more than what I realized.

     It's something that I'm starting to realize early on. I was in so much of a rush to move out of my parents house and gain my own independence that I didn't realize that it wouldn't be the same. That's why I miss my parents, I can text them and call them even skype them. But it doesn't feel the same.

     Moving out was definitely a new experience, for me and for Zach. I miss my parents more than they know, and even thought we have our fights it makes me love my parents more and more for dealing with my teenager mentality.

     I hope my parent's know how much I love them. I wouldn't be here without them. And no matter how far we are.. I will continue to call them, Skype them, etc.

              I love you mom and dad! With all my heart!


- The SongBird-

A New Sea Of Chaos..

     I've been busy lately with a few things in my life. I haven't worked since last Friday. I was supposed to work today, but as usual something comes up that restricted me, and might also possibly get me in more trouble or even fired from yet another job. The cards don't really look in my favor right now. It started a couple days ago, I was cleaning the house and made a cake for that night since we were going to have dinner over at Zach's moms house. I laid down for a bit thinking that my stuffy nose was because of allergies. I woke up almost 4 1/2 hours later feeling even worse. I took a Zyrtec and tried to calm down. At dinner, I tried really hard not to cough on anyone or do a whole lot of talking because it hurt.

     When we came home I took a hot shower and went straight to bed. That next morning felt like a bus came and ran right over me literally. I had a headache, sore throat, stuffy nose and body aches so it felt like a normal cold. I laid in bed til Zach came home and we went to Walmart to get Chicken Noodle soup, Robitussin, Vicks, and some cranberry juice. Came home and we made the chicken noodle soup and it was delicious. That next morning it felt like nothing changed, except only getting worse. By that time, I could barely swallow.

     I knew something was wrong, both Zach and I had the same symptoms so we called his mom and we went to the emergency room. It felt like Getting there, I had a bad feeling in my gut. They took Zach back first because he skin was red like fire red. They took me back at least an hour later, and I was in so much pain. They stuck a swab in my throat and it made me feel like I wanted to gag. The doctor then took another swab and put it right in my nose, he said it would feel like someone was tickling my brain. It kind of stung a little afterwards. Zach was in the room right next to me, so Julie would come over and check and see if I was okay. Maybe an hour into me being into the room, I began to feel woozy. They gave me steroids to calm down the swelling, which actually started working.

     The doctor went into Zach's room and told him the news, Mono. My heart sank, I was close to tears before he came into my room. I had the same thing. I also had an ear infection from blowing my nose to hard. He told me to get better, he gave me two prescriptions and told me that I couldn't go back to work until Monday. That's when the Sea of Chaos basically flooded everything. Zach and Julie  came into my room and I couldn't help but be frustrated with everything that went on.

     When we were on our way back to Julies, so we could get the truck and go home that's where I let my tears go. What was I going to do? My job already has it out for me, what would this do to me? When we got home I went straight to bed it was already 2 in the morning. I couldn't think anymore, my brain was fried. I slept and woke up the next morning, called my work and told them that I was going to be coming in.

     I went to Personal, and talked with Tami about everything. She told me since I called out to much for being sick, that I shouldn't be mad because I'm not getting hours. She told me that that's what happens when I call out. Since I already had my first couching not to long ago, I know that I'm probably going to get fired. My shift manager came in and we talked to her about possibly getting those scheduled hours for me to someone else, because then I wouldn't have to keep calling in and that wouldn't count against me for absences leading to another two couching's and then a boot to me with no job yet again.

     I have never been this sick before in my life. I didn't really start getting sick till I began working here. The different chemicals and situations I'm in at work. I really hope that I don't get fired, I need a job so I can feel independent when I bring in money that I worked my butt off to get and it was hard earned. That sense of independence basically is what I feel when I get a paycheck. I've worked at Walmart for 3 months, and I like my job. I like the people that I work with, the customers that give me a compliment on how clean the bathrooms are, or the employees that take time out of their day to congratulate me on the hard work that I do. But, I'm not going to keep my hopes up for the simple fact that if it doesn't work out the way it's supposed to that I will be fired. So today, I'm going to start looking for other employment, and maybe.. just maybe I won't have to worry about not being able to find a job, because everything will work out for the best.

This is my hope.

- The Songbird-

Catching Up

     I've written in the past about how it's very stressful trying to catch up to bills that seem to accumulate so much. We've been trying to play the catch up game since I lost my job. The amount of stress trying to figure out if your gonna be late this time, or if you even have the money is very new to my coming out into this world. You know.. I should have listened to my mom when I was still living with them about how important it is to make sure you know exactly what you need to pay, how much, etc.


     If I would have listened to the wise words of my mom, then maybe just maybe we wouldn't be in the situation we are so desperately trying to crawl literally out of. I didn't listen as you can tell.. and it's making me realize how I should start doing this efficiently so we aren't pulling our hair out. Both Zach and I are going to sit down tonight and figure out the necessities like food, electricity, a roof over our heads, gas for our car, etc. Not the luxuries such as going out to eat, going to see movies, etc.


     Now I will admit we have a couple of luxuries that we also kind of need, like Internet/cable. Yes we need the Internet more than cable but we bundled both and am with CenturyLink, who actually I believe is much more better than Comcast. We go out to eat sometimes, which I'll admit isn't helping our health out. We are making that vow today to stop out eating out so much. Let's see how this goes!


     I believe that with Persistence and Resistance we will make the right decisions when it comes to our money. It has to be Bills first, then food, then gas for our car. This I believe will help us make better decisions, and cause us more peace rather than stress.


- The Songbird-

Stand My Ground

     I've never been one to take criticism very kindly. See, in my point of view it's like telling me that I can't do something that I've seen other people do or even what I've done before. I was in this predicament a couple days ago. I've been thinking about what has been said ever since then, and even that day I couldn't help but cry and feel horrible about everything.


     It all started while on my way to work. Since my car is dead and Zach's truck is down for the moment, I had to hitch a ride. I thought it would have been a quiet one, I could stare at the snow that was coming down and ponder before I had to go clean bathrooms and deal with snoody people. To bad it didn't end up that way. Yes, I realize that things that were said were probably not meant to be so harsh, but the way they were described was definitely not as what was meant to be said.


     Have you ever had a person basically tell you that you are incapable of being able to have a brain? That's kind of how I felt on what seemed like a long car ride. My character basically went from great to worse. I realize that the comments said were probably in anger. I mean, it didn't really have to be this way. I was fully aware of the situation that Zach and I are in. It's not like we needed a BIG fat reminder. But yet, some people just think that they have to stick their nose where it does not belong.


     Especially when they have it really good. When Zach and I moved into our own place we realized that things were going to change. The extra money we had would be going to bills. Now that we have Koda we are taking care of him and making sure that he is well fed and has a great house to live in.


     Even though the words that were said didn't make me feel any better about the situation, it made me realize that he doesn't even know the situation we are in. How would he care? I've tried to hold my tongue for a while do to the fact that I respect others.


     Now that I am getting to the point to where I can't take the constant badgering and feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. I will stand my ground and not let anyone tell me what to do or judge me on mistakes made. That's what makes me human, is my mistakes and learning from them. I won't let my life be controlled by others that obviously don't know what I do and who I am.






-The SongBird-

My Love of Hair Rubs

     I absolutely love having my hair rubbed. I have since I was a little girl. My mom would tell me about how she would get me to go to sleep, a car ride or when I would ask her to rub my hair to get me to go to sleep. I have always loved every time I would get my hair rubbed. It brings me to peace and let's my mind relax.


     I always believed that when my mom would do that for me that our relationship was closer and closer. I would beg my mom for a hair rub when I got older and it didn't happen as much. I kind of wish it did happen more.


     I was thinking about this when I was at work. I didn't really have the best of days. Worrying about a bunch of things. When I got on my lunch I was surprised by Zach and he came and held me while I cried.


     He began to rub my hair and I couldn't help but start to feel better. It's like a relaxation moment for me. I can't help but feel better, and after I went back to work I began to have a somewhat more positive outlook.


     I will always ask for a hair rub. It's just who I am.


  

Disney Movies..

     Since I was a little girl I have always loved Disney movies. Every child has their favorite movie that can't compare to any other ever seen before. For me, it would be The Lion King. When I got older my mom would tell me stories about when we would come home and I would race to the T.V in hopes that I would be able to watch The Lion King or the times that she would turn it on and I would come running out of my room to the theme song of Lion King. I haven't lost my love for the Lion King, and I probably never will.


     Being now that I'm older, I don't watch a bunch of movies. With work, and taking care of Zach and Koda, and being a responsible teenager I find most of my time either at work or cleaning the house or something else that I need to get done. Maybe that's why I am so in love with Disney movies. It gives you a place to run away in your mind, just to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  I watch those movies for the exact reason for why I read books or write stories.


     Recently, I watched Frozen. Hearing everyone' story about how amazing the movie was I just had to get it. So tonight, I sat in bed with Koda in my lap and Zach dozing off from the day since he had worked so hard today at work. I sat there and imagined myself as a little girl, watching a movie that really made me think. Crying at certain parts of the movie made me realize something. No matter how old you get, the one thing that will never change is that in fact you are somewhat like the little kid your parents remember and hold close in their hearts.


     I skyped my mom today and talked with her about what's going on in her life. She broke down crying when we talked about Frozen and the relationship she has with my aunt in the past. Frozen reminds her of the relationship she had. I couldn't help but to cry after she got off the call.  Is it truly amazing that a movie can bring up feelings from the past?


     I remember when I was a little bit older, say maybe sixteen and still wanting to watch The Lion King. My parent's thought it was kind of funny that being older I wanted to watch a kid movie. There is something about the message behind The Lion King that always gets to me. I cry when I watch that movie, it's something that is very special to my heart. When Simba is looking into the sky and sees his dad and his father asks him.. " You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life." When I'm really down in the dumps, and believing that I can't succeed at anything I remember that moment in the movie.

    


     It doesn't matter what age you are, Disney movies will always have an affect on your life. The moment you first watched the movie that you will remember for the rest of your life. You may have many or you may just have one. Whatever the case, Disney Movies are a true inspirational movie company that teaches you that you don't have to be afraid of life, or that you are the most creative person you can be if you put your mind to it.


- The SongBird

Townhouse

     When Zach and I decided to move in together, we had no idea where to go. It's kind of a fun experience choosing your first place together with the person you could see yourself with for the rest of your life. Anyways, I had a couple places in mind but the biggest issue was the money. Fresh out of high school with jobs that pay minimum wage isn't really a great combination but it works. Saving money seems to be the biggest issue for us right now. When we chose a place, the exact same area I used to live with my parents at it was nothing but exciting. A different set up than what it was at my parents but still a reminder of my family at certain times.


     We chose this place one because of the price, I mean $540 did seem like a good reasonable place for a 2 bedroom and 1 1/2 bath. Being new to the outside world (renting, etc.) We were indecisive about a lot of things. All we knew was that we graduated, in love, and wanting a place to call our own. The biggest thing we had a problem with was support. We had support from our parents, but not exactly what we were expecting. I realize now that they were as surprised as we were. Everyone has difference of opinion  on our options. We chose to do what we wanted. We're teenagers, what do you expect?


     Moving in was somewhat easy, I mean we didn't really have a whole lot. A couch my mom and dad gave us, a bed, T.V, etc. We bought the essentials and stuck with what we got. Along the way we have accumulated a new couch due to the other one caving in, a small TV, microwave, somewhat new vacuum to us, and others.


     It's been 8 months since we moved in together. We've experienced money struggles, and the occasional argument every now and then. But right now, I feel lucky to have a townhouse and to be in love with a man who loves me for me and takes my bad days and my good days. Overall, I'm just thankful that my life is getting better and better each day with my family and friends by my side.

Man's Greatest Treasure

     Being a woman, I have my likes and my most favorite things that I keep very special to me. Today I realized that my fiancé has a favorite thing that he will never get rid of, his truck. I remember my mom telling me about how when she first started dating my dad that he had a car that was taken care of like a baby. I don't remember the total information about the car, I know that it was a Camaro and it was white in color. My mom would tell me that he would take the whole day to clean the Camaro and take diapers and dry the car. That was his baby.


     Now that I'm on my own with my fiancé I am realizing his favorite thing is his truck. He has a 1990 Chevy K1500 and it's an amazing truck. It's black and gold, he calls it Goldberg. It has a camper top and it's a reliable. Zach is absolutely obsessed with his truck.


     Being in the truck it's amazing, not like a once in a lifetime kind of thing but it's great. I never thought that Zach would let me drive his truck but he has and I love it. When he's fixing his truck he has a smile on face and I realize his sense of pride in his truck.


     My dad had that same sense of pride in his vehicle, the same I see in Zach when it comes to talking about or fixing his truck. Maybe it's just a guy thing when it comes to his vehicle.


    

Generation Y

     Yesterday after I got off work I came home and Skyped my mom. It had been a while since I Skyped my mom and I was definitely in need of some mom time! We talked about a couple things that were on each of our minds. I got to see my dad and brother as well. But we talked about something that's been on my mind since we ended the video chat. Generation Y


     What I mean by Generation Y is, well obviously my generation. My generation has the typical stereotypes that I agree to disagree with. My generation has its moments. In school, we were taught that no one can treat us like crap basically, that we should stand up for ourselves, etc. I believe that yes I have some generation Y traits but not all of them.


     Since I graduated high school, I have had 2 jobs. I started at Safeway as a courtesy clerk and I did love my job. I did the best of what I knew and was taught during my time there. As I was beginning to understand my job, I was promoted to the gas station as a fuel attendant. There, I made many friends and also a couple enemies. I didn't really worry about the enemies as much as my job. I really began to love my job at the gas station. I was a cashier and it was fun, the customers that would come in on a regular basis would joke around and I would love the atmosphere there.


     But then, I got really sick and couldn't come into work. I tried to work with them on the understanding of the sickness I was under. They didn't care, and I lost my job. After working for Safeway for 6 months,  I was left unemployed. Two months and it really affected me. Not only with my relationship with Zach, but I literally felt like the world was coming down on me fast with no intention to stop. Job after job I applied and heard nothing. I was beating myself up mentally because I couldn't understand what had happened.


     One day I remember clearly, sitting downstairs and applying for job after job and then calling my mom. I was in tears listening to some music that I shouldn't have. I called her to hear her voice, my mom has always had the right thing to say and the sound of her voice puts me back at ease. I called her and told her how I was feeling. I had just got off the phone with Zach before I called her, and I needed some clarity. We talked for a while and then I had got a call from a different number. It was a job interview at Wal- Mart. I was so shocked I called my mom again and told her the good news. I finally felt like something was going right for me. I mean, yes I had interviews before twice and those didn't work out. But I finally felt like I was going to get the job and finally feel good about myself again


     I went to the job interview and got my first job interview complete and was going to my second one. As soon as I completed that one, they told me to come back the next day for the job offer. I couldn't help but jump up and down as soon as I got to the car. I got the job as a full time Maintenance Associate. I've been there for a month and a half now and I'll admit it definitely is different from Safeway.




     I appreciate my job, and try to the best of my ability to do my job better than asked. Sometimes I will admit it is hard to accomplish everything that is asked of you when you are the only female in a group of males. I'm not saying that women can't accomplish anything, we certainly have accomplished a lot in the past decades. I am not the kind of girl to just throw in the towel and be okay with giving up. I am experiencing issues at work. Certain people I think have it out to get me or maybe it is just a test like my mom said and I'm taking it personally. I've always been that way though to take things said personally, it's a defect in my personality and one that I am working on.


     I'm not going to let people think they can walk all over me, and get away with it. I'm going to stand up for myself and not back down. I'm going to do MY job the way I was taught and learn from different people that have been there years longer than just my one month. This is my standing up for myself, I am Generation Y.


- The SongBird

Relationships

     In the past I've written about relationships and the outcome of the relationship to each person. I've realized since I last wrote that, a lot has changed. With certain people it has grow, and with others it has slowly come to its end. In my eyes, it seems like life certainly does change us throughout any situation.


     Recently, I've notice the relationship between mother and daughter has become more like best of friends. When I lived with my parents, the relationship was certainly different. They took care of me, fed me, dealt with my "problems", and a whole lot more. But now, that I'm out on my own it definitely has changed. With my family in Iowa, and me here in Colorado it certainly has made a difference in our communication. Thanks to modern day technology I can text them, call them, or even Skype them. Now that its been almost a year since I've been out of my parents place it certainly has been hard on me.
     Come to think of it, I miss them more than I ever have before. Yes, we had our arguments and fights but in the end I love them oh so very much. Especially my mom, I feel like now that she doesn't have to cloth me or feed me our relationship is getting to a better place. Which puts my heart at peace knowing that we will always love each other like mother and daughter and now best friends. I knew that our relationship had taken a turn for the worst a couple years ago when I resented the fact that we had to move from North Carolina. When we lived with my Grandpa, I hated it then, not because of my grandpa but because of the situation I was in. I literally put myself in depression mode. I'm still living with it to this day, but I have it under control.
     There is a time I wish I could take back, I remember it like it was yesterday. I came home from school, all mad and not being reasonable. I don't remember what it was exactly that I was mad about.  Anyways, I went and got the mail and came back and I took out my anger on my mom. She came up to me and I hit her glasses off her face. I didn't realize then what I really did to our relationship.
     Now, I realized what I did was the outcome of us fighting most of the time. I remember my mom telling me something that has stuck with me since then. She told me that she didn't even know who I was anymore. To be honest mom, neither did I. She wanted her Stephanie back, and I didn't do that.
     I'm sorry mom. I know I've said it a billion times. You are my best friend mom. The one I can talk to when I'm not in the right mind set. I owe a lot to you.


The SongBird


    

Reconnection

     When we left North Carolina, I never thought that I would have met my best friend or most of the people in my life that made feel like I could be me. Leaving North Carolina was the hardest thing for me to do and since then I've changed a lot. It's to be expected when you grow up. I always told myself though that I would never  lose touch with my best friend, Chrissy.
 
     While life has definitely been a interesting turn of events after high school, one thing that has surprised me is the messages I told myself while I was in high school. I told myself back then that I wouldn't lose touch with Chrissy yet I did. Yes, she is a Facebook friend but it wasn't the same. See, her and I never fought about anything and to this day we still don't fight. We agree on everything and we share the same interests and hobbies, well at least back then we did. With the separation of time, we have changed. She's in college, and I'm a working teen trying to make it happen and stay afloat with my fiancé. Life's amazing ain't it?


     After graduating high school, I figured that I was going to take a trip down there to see her. I haven't see her in more than 4 years give or take. I really can't remember everything. That obviously didn't happen, and so now I want to see her this year. Take a road trip down there and see how my best friend is doing.. see all my other friends as well but mainly her.


      It all started with a message on Facebook to text me, and yesterday we had a conversation while I was at work. It made my day go faster and made me realize how very much important she is to my story, to my life. So I can't wait to see her, and see how she's been doing. To show her the workings of the book we wanted to write together just before I moved, and to reconnect with my best friend.


- The SongBird

Forever and Always

     I've always dreamt of my engagement, how it would be, the ring, etc. I always wanted a unique engagement. I got my dream on 13 February 2014 at 7:43 pm.
    


     Zach just got home from a long day at work. Covered in grease and dirt from the tires, he gave me a kiss and went to freshen up. I was in the process of making tacos and burritos. I called for him when I was done and we ate. We exchanged our valentines day presents. I gave him an Egyptian chalice and a thing of SpongeBob heart shaped chocolates. He gave me a big fluffy dog and told me that  I had another gift which he couldn't show me yet.


     After we cleaned up dinner, and exchanged gifts, we went to watch some T.V. We were watching Ernest goes to School, when he brought out a card. As I opened I read about how I was his forever and always, I couldn't help but blush.


     He told me that I had to close my eyes, so I did. Next thing I knew, he was on one knee and presented me with a RingPop. Unique, right?  I cried, and had to recollect my thoughts. I watched him with a big smile on his face. He said:


      " Stephanie Rebecca, I haven't found anyone like you who can take care of me and all my issues, I know that we have our hard times but I don't ever want to lose you! You are the focus of m life, the main reason I do what I do! I love you! Will you be with me forever?"


     I sat there for a few minutes and waited. I finally answered his question with a big yes and a smile on my face. He promised me that I would get the "real" ring soon, which I am waiting patiently on. The announcement of the engagement was unexpected and some were happy, while others were cautious.


     While yes the announcement was a very happy one. We are definitely going to wait. I believe that this will be a 2 year engagement. Which isn't a bad thing. I would rather wait and know its right then jump into a marriage that wouldn't work. But as time progresses, time will tell if this was truly meant to be.

Life Smacks...

     Lately it seems like I've come into a bump in the road that has literally taken control of me. I didn't have a thing to worry about at the time, everything was going great. Until life finally gave me a big smack on my face and proved me wrong. I hate when that happens, you think that everything is going to be okay. And life comes around the corner and puts you in a roadblock that seems nearly impossible, I call them Life Smacks. That's kind of how my life is going right now.

     When I had a job, I had income coming in. I could help pay for things such as bills, etc. Now that I'm unemployed, it seems like things have been crumbling down. I'll admit when I got fired it really hit me. Everything that seemed to be going into place, suddenly came crashing down. I began my search, and wouldn't give up. I'm still to this day searching and nothing has happened.

     I've had plenty of people get on me about responsibility, and it's not that I don't understand. It's just that it's hard when it seems like nothing is going right. Sometime's I feel like everything I say isn't understood the way I'm explaining it. I feel stupid sometimes because of it.

     The stress of getting a job with no real experience is hard. It's hard to gain experience, when no one will really give you that chance. I have loads of potential, and I'm willing to work. Life just isn't working with me right now. I wish it would, I wouldn't be so stressed out right now.

     I'm not going to give up, but there are moments where I do just want to give up. I can't give up because I've got to much at stake.

     I have to keep in mind that life is rough, it's never easy. It's full of bumps in the road. I have to be the one to remember who I am. I'm not a quitter, I won't give up.


I CAN DO THIS!

Morning Laughter

     I remember waking up every Saturday and hearing laughter come out of my parents room. It would bring a smile to my face to hear my mom laughing. There would be days where I would come in and get roped into massaging my dad's feet or back because of his injuries. My mom would leave the room and I'd be left with my dad trying to fall asleep. It was funny sometimes, cause I would try to leave and he would automatically wake up. There would be days were I was able to get away with it.

     Now, I have found that same person like my mom that makes me laugh when I wake up. He is an amazing guy, and I'm really lucky I have him. He is my cuddle buddy, and my pillow sometimes.


     Like my mom, I got that person that makes me feel like I can be who I want. I don't want to lose him. My morning laughter wouldn't be the same. What is your morning laughter?

Blank Mind

     ...................................................... I've been sitting here thinking about what to write. Maybe that's why I'm so far behind when it comes to my blog. Before I write a blog piece, I think about something that I want to write about. Sometimes it will come to me when I'm doing something. But for some reason, I haven't been able to think about anything that seems to catch me in wanting to write about it.

     I try to write my blog pieces when I get the chance to. When it's just me, or I have my headphones in so I know what I can focus on. Whenever I don't have anything on my mind, I write about quirky things.

    
     I think they might call this "Writer's Block", but I'm not sure. Has this ever happened to you?

My Brother

     Pictures say a thousand words. When my brother was born I was to little to remember anything that we did together. Pictures that my mom has now are the only reminders of when we were younger. I remember a little of what happened when we were at such a young age. The books we would read, the games we would play when it was raining outside, etc.

     I was thinking about my brother and I realize how much I miss him. Yes, we can Skype, text, and call each other. But it just isn't the same for me. I wish sometimes we could have hung out more, and really got to know one another.


     When we were younger, I hated going outside. Being that he was a boy and I was a girl, it made sense that I hated the outdoors. I never wanted to play football, basketball, or basically go outside. Which definitely made our relationship a hard one to live with. I remember all the fights we would have over going outside. I regret doing that to my brother, he didn't deserve that.

     I would make promises to him when he would beg me to go outside, and I'd break every single one of them. There was just something about outside that I guess I didn't like. When I would go outside, I would mumble and groan about how stupid it was.


     When I started getting older, most of the things that my brother wanted to do, I wasn't interested in. We are three years apart, so it kind of made sense. As I got into High School, I definitely has different interests. I started writing more, reading, and focusing on my studies. My brother was still interested in sports, playing Xbox, and hanging out with friends.

     As he came into High School, we both ended up in NJROTC. I will admit, I was angry at first because I finally was able to have my very own group. After coming to the realization that my brother was going to be in the program, I aimed towards proving to my parents that I was the best out of the two. Yes, competition between my brother and I was stronger than ever. We always had to prove each other that we were better.

     As I sit here now, I wonder what would have been if I had went outside instead of make it a fuss about getting outside my comfort level, or if I would have accepted what my brother would have wanted to do. But those are "what if's" and I can't change the past.


     All I can do is move on, and I know that my brother and I are still somewhat close. I hope that he is reading this, so he can realize how much he means to me. If your reading this, I want you to know that I'm sorry I didn't do a lot of things with you when we were younger, like play basketball. I hope in some way, you can forgive me. I Love You Brother!


    

A Day Of Rest

     My life has been quite the busy one lately. I have a lot going on in my head that I want to get out and take a moment to look back on the success and mistakes I've made. A daily routine is this: waking up extra early so I can get Zach's lunch and breakfast made. After he leaves then it's onto cleaning for me. Then I get ready for the day. Look for jobs and have no luck at any of them. Then I watch some T.V and write in my journal or on here. Take a couple more hours to look for a job. Make dinner, and wait for Zach to come home.

     Today is my day of rest. I haven't really had a day where everything is accomplished and I can relax. Today I'm going to watch T.V and put my feet up, I'm going to take a nap because I feel dead tired. I'm going to read my books about Reiki and take notes. Do some job hunting and tell myself that I can do it!

     Today is a ME day. I'm looking forwards to taking some time for me, and reassuring myself that I haven't completely lost my mind. I think everyone needs a ME day. Just to get a hold of your busy life.

Just Me

     Lately, I've been thinking about everything in my life. I have lived a good life so far. Beginning with my parent's raising me, to now being out on my own. It's amazing what can happen when you put your mind to it. I never thought I would be out on my own.

     Coming up to the day's of graduation it was exciting yet scary as well. I was in the routine of waking up every Monday through Friday and getting ready to go to school. The thought of leaving the daily routine to go and do something had me scared. That feeling didn't sink in until I took those steps leading to my diploma.

     Since then, it has been a rocky road leading me to where I am now. Yes, there are things I wish I would have done differently. But that's brought me to where I am today with people that I love and cherish, and things that have changed my viewpoint on a great many things.

     I have a long ways to go, and many more lessons that I need to learn. I look forward to the future and wish that I can have a good life. I know that things won't go my way, but I look forward to being able to learn from them.

     All we can do in this life is learn, and grow. I'm looking to learn and grow! What About You?

"It's A Party"

     For a while, I've been thinking about starting my very own business. This idea came to me when I was writing in my journal about how I liked to make people happy. I think it was also because I was watching my favorite movie Bride Wars. I never thought I could do anything like what a planner does.

     It wasn't until recently that I started pursing the passion of creating my own part planning business. It's been a rocky start. With not a lot of publicity it's hard to get many events planned. So far I've only done four. Yes it is a start, but I love it.

     What made me want to start a party business? I've been a person that loves to please people, like I said before. I also love writing and it's a perfect combination of the two. The hardest part though is getting it off the ground and fully running.

     My goal is to get it to the point to where I can have event after event. The main point of my business is to enjoy the love, and have fun

     I am calling it "It's A Party" simply because it will be a party.  We'll see where this goes. Please share this with others! Like the pages and even comment!

Thank you to everyone that reads this blog! It means so much!



Link To Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ASongBirdsTune
Link To Twitter: https://twitter.com/ItsAPartyForU

My Personal Goal

     I've had this goal of being able to learn more about myself. Being able to love myself and then I'll be able to love others. I've also struggled with this for quite some time. I finally think that I'll be able to get some ground and be able to have the ability to love myself and be able to finally live my life.

     It started when I began to overeat, or eat in the confides of my room. I would take stuff from the kitchen and get have a hog heaven when everyone would go to bed. It was chips, cheese, pepperoni slices, etc. Anything I could get my hands on I would devour. When I started gaining weight, I would eat more because I was depressed I was that size. I didn't realize the damage until it was to late.

    I've since then had an issue with my weight and eating. I'm trying to change that though, doing more things to preoccupy my time instead of have a kitchen brawl out with the refrigerator. I'm slowly getting there, and soon hopefully I will have accomplished at least one part to my goal of overeating and eating to much at the table.

    Working out also isn't my strong suit. Since I was little, I've always hated going outside. I can't explain why, but it makes me angry when I do. Especially as a young girl with a little brother that always wanted to go outside. That's another reason why my brother and I didn't get along growing up. But now, I want a change. I mean a serious change in my lifestyle and ways of growing up.

     Zach isn't giving up on me, especially when sometimes all I want to do is eat or sit in front of the T.V for a whole day and pig out on ice cream and Mozzarella sticks. I have more important things to do with my time. That's why this year is the year of change in my life. I'm not going to give up on myself because that hasn't gotten me anywhere. It's time for me to change, and I'm ready for it!

Sharing

     When Zach and I first moved in together it was an exciting event in my life. I posted it on Facebook, Twitter, and sent text to all my friends. It was something I could brag about. We were newly out of High School, we just started dating and so we decided that we were going to move in together. We are sharing most things now. But I've never really been good with sharing a great many things. I'm learning now though that when you love someone enough, you will share the things that most mean something to you. We share thoughts, memories, material items, and overall ourselves.

     Sharing my things has always been a pet peeve. I can't really share with anyone because it's "MY" thing. That's the downfall that my brother and I shared. We didn't really want one another to touch our toy or anything else because it was his or it was mine we were typical kids thought growing up. That pet peeve has grown with me, but it isn't about toys anymore. A couple days ago I realized I am horrible when it comes to sharing a bed. My parent's got me a Queen Sized bed a couple years ago and so I've grown accustom to it just being me in this large bed. I would sprawl out and just fall asleep like a baby. But now that Zach and I moved in together, we share a bed. I'll admit sometimes it's hard. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and find myself dangling off the edge of the bed. Even with my blankets its hard to find a compromise sometimes. I'll wake up and be cold to the point of no return, and Zach and I will have arguments about it. Stupid ones but we're still newly into this dating thing. 

     I guess, it's time for me to get out of the mode of single, and into the mode of dating and sharing. I love him more than he knows, he's my first real relationship. So I have to learn to share. It's a new experience and I'm looking forward to it!

Sunrise and Sunset

     Being born in Colorado, you get a certain happiness when you live here and you can call this your hometown. As a little girl, I don't remember a whole lot that happened. I do remember when we moved to Alabama to help my Aunt. It was for a brief month or so, and then we moved again. This time it was to Georgia. I didn't like living there like I did when we lived in Colorado. So we decided to move  back to Colorado.

     I went to school and was content with myself. The house we lived in was adventurous and there were many times I would get in trouble because being the "adventurous" type came with consequences when you broke things, like plugging the toilet with action figures because you wanted them to swim. Yep I was a handful back then and even to today. I never wanted to leave Colorado because of a great many things but the number one was I felt like myself here.

     Since I was only a little girl I didn't have a lot of say in the matter of moving. So the one time my parent's asked if we wanted to move, I said yes. I don't really know why I said yes. But now that I think of it, it was in everyone's best interest at the time to move and explore the world. Yes, I would miss Colorado more than anyone knew but it was adventure time.

     We moved back to Georgia at the time because it offered a great career for my dad and he loved his architecture. So I start going to school there and it didn't seem that great. I made a couple friends there and it started turning better for me. I also got into a lot of trouble at school. Remember the couple friend's I said I had, turns out they weren't the right choice for me to hang out. I got into verbal fights with them, and gossiped about them to everyone I knew. A decision I regret but had a major learning experience from.

     Living in Georgia almost made me a permanent resident of Foster Care. I remember getting a rowing machine for working out downstairs. As usual, the know it all didn't want to wear shoes when operating the machinery. To my surprise, I got a big cut on my foot that really hurt and one day I used it in the worst way. One day on the bus I decided because my brother and I were having a big fight to tell my friends that my little brother cut me on my foot with a knife. A smart decision in my little brain, a tramautic outcome. I went around all day telling people that it happened, yet I didn't realize that it would come back to bite me in my butt.

     It took the principal, and even my parents telling me that there was a Foster Care Van sitting outside our door to realize that the "bad life" wasn't for me. That's also when my relationship with my brother started to dwindle. After that it seemed like I was in need of another thing to preoccupy my time. So we moved, to North Carolina.

     Moving again wasn't all happiness and joy like what some people tell you in the movies. I felt like when we moved, I left a little piece of me there. But we packed up and moved on.


    The start of moving into our new home was actually exciting. I got a room to myself with a large window! I was actually previewing what my room was going to look like. There would be a picture here, a picture there. I wanted my room to be yellow, a bright color as to a dark color. I wanted positive, bright in my life. We had Scooby, so it was fun! The first day of school was scary, but it always is for the new kids. I grew to love North Carolina. I met friends that meant something to me. I met my best friend there, and we hung out and loved to watch movies and read the same book series. Life was good. But it's like whenever my life starts getting good, something bad has to happen.


     We had to move again, but this time we moved to Iowa and lived with my grandpa. For some reason, this move really took it's toll on me. First, I lost my best friend and believed that we would talk anymore because I wasn't there and she had things that were more important. We still talk to this day but not as much. Which is okay, since we both have seperate lives. Then, I lost Scooby. The traumatic part was when we took her to the no kill shelter and I saw her for the last time. I didn't let those leave my thoughts, which I should have done because instead I took it out on my parent's and myself. I sat upstairs most of the time and wrote in my journal, and looked into the window and wished I still lived in North Carolina.

     Then after what seemed like years, we moved again and this time it was back to Colorado. We lived with my grandma and life didn't feel the same. I didn't let the stuff from the past go, I let it eat at me. It has overall really affected my life in ways that I didn't think would happen. But I let it happen, so anything that has made me who I am today is because I didn't make the stand to chose better for myself.

     Now I permanent live in Colorado with my boyfriend. I wake up every morning to the mountains and the sun trying blind us from the curtains. If I said I wanted to change everything yes there are some circumstances that would make me want to change a great many things, but not where I am right now. I get this feeling, of happiness and joy when I can wake up in a place I love with someone right next to me. I get to watch the mountains everyday when I'm driving, or sitting and can't think. The mountain's symbolism something to me. I haven't found out what yet, but when  I do. I think it'll change me again, into the person I'm supposed to be. 

Living With A Crutch

     I've lived my life worrying about what everyone thinks about me. Self approval from others seems to be a main thing in my life. I've let it control me, and it's become a monster. It started when I was in middle school and continued to take over my life. I would come home from school and tell my mom about my horrible day. Even thought it wasn't horrible, in my mind it was because someone made fun of my clothes or my hair and I couldn't take it. 

     In High School, I started the end of my freshman year in Colorado. At the same school my mom graduated from.I decided to fit in, I would highlight my hair days before I had to start. The fateful day came and I went to school. I remember the many looks from different strangers as to my weird hair. High school wasn't the best years for me. I kept my head down, joined NJROTC because  I didn't think I could do any better. Going from year to year until Senior Year when I was finally able to drive myself to school, and choose the clothes I was going to wear. 

      The biggest thing that really made me depressed was when people would pick on me because of my weight. I've struggled with this since we moved to Iowa, when I thought I couldn't live anymore because we moved from the one place that I finally felt like I could be accepted. So to react to this sudden change I let food become the number one priority. A stupid decision on my part, but it was the only thing that I thought could help me. Looking at it now, I really could have done better with that time. Instead of dwelling on the past I could have been planning my future. Making my life easier and my parent's too. Decisions, are the hardest thing to make when you don't really feel so great about yourself.

       I've let words that others have said affect my outlook on myself. My self esteem isn't the best right now, it's because I've let myself get to this point. I didn't do anything to change it, except keep listening to it. But in my quest to become the real me, I have chose not to let what others say get to me, there just words that can't hurt me. 

Biggest Fear

     We all have fears that keep us from really living life. In some of the people that I interact with, I see what makes them fear doing something that they might want to do but are afraid of. I have a lot of fears, and sometimes I let them take control of me. It's in my nature, to be afraid.

     As a little girl, normal things that would scare me are scary movies, and monsters under my bed. But in all reality I was afraid when we would move from one place to another. That first night in the new place was always the worst. The creaks, and noises coming from the house would keep me up most of the night. It took a lot for me to sleep in the new houses we lived in.

     I remember when we lived in North Carolina, it was our first night at the new house. I couldn't fall asleep because my room was the one with the biggest window. There was a blind to cover the outside world from the little girl huddled in her bed. The crickets were chirping extra loud, and I wasn't used to it. I tossed and turned most of that night. For some reason, I remember getting a CD from the library that made me cry so much. It was the BeeGees, and it was a sad song. I replayed it so many times and began to think about my mom. For some reason, I had a feeling that I was going to lose her. I couldn't explain it at that time but it made me cry for some months. I never told my mom this because I didn't want her to worry. But for some months, I changed my whole outlook on a great many things. I sat in my room and stared outside, and didn't hang out with my family as much as what I used to.

     To this day I still worry about my family. Now that there is a distance between us I can not see them as much as what I was so used to. The fear of losing them is the biggest one in my heart even with the fights and moments we don't talk.


     I many fears, but I've let them take over me for so long that I haven't been able to live my life. It's time I take a stand and do the things that most make me worry or ave fears, its called living life.

The Real Me

     It's been a while since I've really been able to think about myself. Who I really am, and what I'm capable of. I've really been living my life for who I am and what I believe in. I've been living in a fake body and mind. It's really come to hurt me mentally and also physically. It's taken me this long to really realize the extent of the damage.

     It started when I was younger, I thought I could be anything. My parents really did their best in trying to raise me to become who I wanted. I thought most of the things that they were doing wasn't really beneficial to me so I quit listening, and that's really affected me.

     I lived my life scared of everything. I never admitted it to my parents because I didn't want them to think little of me. I had no life ambition,  and all I wanted to do was be a kid. It was easy, I didn't have to worry about responsibility, no care in the world. When I started getting older, the responsibility wasn't something I thought I could handle. That's probably why I got into trouble most of the time.

     I never listened to my mom's advice, and I never thought to care either. Maybe that's why my mom and I can't get along. I miss her, more than she knows. There isn't a day that goes by that I can't stop thinking about my mom. In one of her pieces, she says " It doesn't come with a handbook nor the children with instructions." I read that piece and I started to think, I was the first born, and I realize how hard it was for my parents. I've grow to understand what she meant, and I feel horrible.


     I regret most of the things I've done in my life. But the number one thing I regret the most, is letting the relationship with my mom get so bad to where we don't even talk anymore. The hardest part for me, is knowing that she is so far away and I can't give her a hug when I really need to, like right now.

     When I was in High School, that's when it took a turn for the worst. I let go of my mother's advice and love for others opinions about me. I never let my mom get close to me because I thought I could do it! I didn't need her anymore, and I was so wrong. Last year was a hard year for her and I. I know that I can't really change anything that happened. But I'm hoping that I can learn from it and let go and live my life on.


     I am coming to the realization that life isn't going to always agree with me. It's going to give me bumps in the road and people coming in and out of my life. But that's the exciting part about life, how I am going to deal with it. I have to be true to myself, if nothing else. It wouldn't be me living my life, just someone saying they are me.
    

Not Enough Hours In The Day...

            Lately it seems like the day just goes by so fast. We fall into a “routine” of things that we do daily or weekly. Whatever it is, it makes our day go by faster. For me I used to have those days were it seems like the day will never end. Those days  when I was still in school, sitting in a classroom and writing notes. I would constantly keep looking at the clock to wonder when the class would be over and the school would let us out for the day.

           

            Now that I’m out of high school it seems like my days consists of waking up, taking care of a couple of things, and then going back to bed. Now that it is a new year, I’m trying to make the most of each of my days. No matter how small the goal or project for the day. I try to keep myself busy, I used to sit in a room and either listen to music and stare at the wall or I would sleep. I used to sleep a lot, and for some reason it seems like I can’t get enough of sleep.

           

            Remember as a kid, you would have nap times at the house or when you were in kindergarten you would have nap times as well. Growing up, I used to hate those. I felt like sometimes it was a punishment. I remember when I would go to bed; my mom would tell me to face the wall so that way I could close my eyes. I still to this day face the wall when I go to bed. Kinda weird, huh?

            The summer before my senior year of high school I used to sit in my room and stay on my computer all the time. It was like my getaway from life. I was always on Facebook. My parent’s used to call me the roommate because I would only come out for food, using the bathroom, or to hang out with my friends. It was horrible the way I was. But I’m learning now that I have my own place that I can do a bunch of things now.

            I cook, clean, do laundry, watch TV occasionally, quilt, read books, write this blog, write stories, etc. I try to stay busy and it helps me sometimes especially at night. When I feel so tired, I know it’s cause I stayed busy and I’ll have a good night’s sleep. It’s the best feeling in the world when you know you aren’t wasting a precious day of your life.