The Real Me

     It's been a while since I've really been able to think about myself. Who I really am, and what I'm capable of. I've really been living my life for who I am and what I believe in. I've been living in a fake body and mind. It's really come to hurt me mentally and also physically. It's taken me this long to really realize the extent of the damage.

     It started when I was younger, I thought I could be anything. My parents really did their best in trying to raise me to become who I wanted. I thought most of the things that they were doing wasn't really beneficial to me so I quit listening, and that's really affected me.

     I lived my life scared of everything. I never admitted it to my parents because I didn't want them to think little of me. I had no life ambition,  and all I wanted to do was be a kid. It was easy, I didn't have to worry about responsibility, no care in the world. When I started getting older, the responsibility wasn't something I thought I could handle. That's probably why I got into trouble most of the time.

     I never listened to my mom's advice, and I never thought to care either. Maybe that's why my mom and I can't get along. I miss her, more than she knows. There isn't a day that goes by that I can't stop thinking about my mom. In one of her pieces, she says " It doesn't come with a handbook nor the children with instructions." I read that piece and I started to think, I was the first born, and I realize how hard it was for my parents. I've grow to understand what she meant, and I feel horrible.


     I regret most of the things I've done in my life. But the number one thing I regret the most, is letting the relationship with my mom get so bad to where we don't even talk anymore. The hardest part for me, is knowing that she is so far away and I can't give her a hug when I really need to, like right now.

     When I was in High School, that's when it took a turn for the worst. I let go of my mother's advice and love for others opinions about me. I never let my mom get close to me because I thought I could do it! I didn't need her anymore, and I was so wrong. Last year was a hard year for her and I. I know that I can't really change anything that happened. But I'm hoping that I can learn from it and let go and live my life on.


     I am coming to the realization that life isn't going to always agree with me. It's going to give me bumps in the road and people coming in and out of my life. But that's the exciting part about life, how I am going to deal with it. I have to be true to myself, if nothing else. It wouldn't be me living my life, just someone saying they are me.