Living With A Crutch

     I've lived my life worrying about what everyone thinks about me. Self approval from others seems to be a main thing in my life. I've let it control me, and it's become a monster. It started when I was in middle school and continued to take over my life. I would come home from school and tell my mom about my horrible day. Even thought it wasn't horrible, in my mind it was because someone made fun of my clothes or my hair and I couldn't take it. 

     In High School, I started the end of my freshman year in Colorado. At the same school my mom graduated from.I decided to fit in, I would highlight my hair days before I had to start. The fateful day came and I went to school. I remember the many looks from different strangers as to my weird hair. High school wasn't the best years for me. I kept my head down, joined NJROTC because  I didn't think I could do any better. Going from year to year until Senior Year when I was finally able to drive myself to school, and choose the clothes I was going to wear. 

      The biggest thing that really made me depressed was when people would pick on me because of my weight. I've struggled with this since we moved to Iowa, when I thought I couldn't live anymore because we moved from the one place that I finally felt like I could be accepted. So to react to this sudden change I let food become the number one priority. A stupid decision on my part, but it was the only thing that I thought could help me. Looking at it now, I really could have done better with that time. Instead of dwelling on the past I could have been planning my future. Making my life easier and my parent's too. Decisions, are the hardest thing to make when you don't really feel so great about yourself.

       I've let words that others have said affect my outlook on myself. My self esteem isn't the best right now, it's because I've let myself get to this point. I didn't do anything to change it, except keep listening to it. But in my quest to become the real me, I have chose not to let what others say get to me, there just words that can't hurt me.