As I sit here, on the last day of 2013 I look back at everything that has happened. I will admit, this has to be the worst yet best year I've had in my nineteen years on this planet. Everything that happened this year, it's made me a different person. Someone who is many qualities, but overall. I'm just myself, no copy.. the original!
The year started off to a rocky start, with the uneasy feeling in the house. Yet, caused because of the difference of opinion it made life uncomfortable. School at the time was a drag, being a senior I wanted it to end and my life to start. I envisioned myself graduating high school and moving out and onto my college career. Funny, I read many self help books and took a bunch of notes to help my self confidence at that time. Slowly the year started and I was looking forward to the end.
The year has brought me heartbreak, loss, and a realization that I can change my outlook on life. It's definitely been an amazing year 2013.
I can't wait to see what 2014 brings me. Thank you all for the support and much love. I hope you all have an amazing New Years!
Today also marks the 100th post from A Song Birds Tune.
All My Love,
Stephanie
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Interests and Hobbies
Just recently I've noticed that I have a bunch of things I want to do in my spare time. I've categorized them into "hobbies" and " interests". I am so interested in these that for the New Year 2014, I'm gonna try and incorporate these into my daily life.
My first hobby is of course writing for my blog. Yes, I started it this year with the full intent to pay most of my attention at making good topics that will gain interest in the people of the society. I started out strong at the beginning of the year, and then it seemed that I got to involved in life. Now that it's the end of the year, I'm slowly but surely getting back to writing pieces. When I start a piece, I try to think about something that will interest not just me but my readers. For some time, I couldn't think of anything to write. Or I would start a piece and then not end up finishing it. But hopefully, next year it will be different. More experiences, and more interesting times will come next year.
My interest of playing the guitar has been with me for a couple years. My grandma had a very beautiful guitar that she loved dearly. When she passed, she gave it to me. My parents wanted to keep it safe and so they put it in a safe place ans told me to wait til I was old enough to appreciate it. I'm really glad they did. Now that I'm older and I can appreciate the guitar, I really want to learn how to play. The only thing I need to do is refurbish the guitar.
I started my party planning business a couple months ago. I've done a couple parties, but with it being just a small time business it will be a rocky start. The idea first came to me when I was watching a T.V show. When I first came up with the idea, it was just for fun. But I've always wanted to make people happy and what a better way then making a day that they'll always remember? I know that it'll be a rough start, but I'm up for the challenge.
Since I have a love for writing, I would love to write books. When we lived in North Carolina, my best friend and I before I left we sat down and came up with an idea for a book. It was supposed to be about a girl that lived on a remote island when this boy on a plane got into a crash and ended up on the same island. When we moved, I didn't focus on it. Now that I have the time, i'm slowly but surely riding it. It'll take some time though.
When I was a little girl, my mom always used to sit in the chair when she would watch her soaps and quilt. I was always fascinated at how a normal piece of fabric can turn into a beautiful quilt. I made a little blanket one time for my baby dolls when I was younger. My mom made me 2 quilts that I still have and will always keep dear to my heart. Before I was born, she made me a Minnie Mouse blanket. I used to drag it around the house and it would go everywhere with me. Now that I'm grown, before I left the house my mom made me a queen sized blanket. The pattern has lighthouses, and seas on the top. It took her four years to make, I keep it very special to my heart.
The reason I want to start making blankets is because it would be a hobby. I'd make different types of blankets, and it would be for friends or family. But overall, I would really love to make blankets and sell some of them, we will see where that goes.
People all have interests and hobbies that they love. It can be about anything, or everything. These are mine, and I would love to see what the next year brings me.
My first hobby is of course writing for my blog. Yes, I started it this year with the full intent to pay most of my attention at making good topics that will gain interest in the people of the society. I started out strong at the beginning of the year, and then it seemed that I got to involved in life. Now that it's the end of the year, I'm slowly but surely getting back to writing pieces. When I start a piece, I try to think about something that will interest not just me but my readers. For some time, I couldn't think of anything to write. Or I would start a piece and then not end up finishing it. But hopefully, next year it will be different. More experiences, and more interesting times will come next year.
My interest of playing the guitar has been with me for a couple years. My grandma had a very beautiful guitar that she loved dearly. When she passed, she gave it to me. My parents wanted to keep it safe and so they put it in a safe place ans told me to wait til I was old enough to appreciate it. I'm really glad they did. Now that I'm older and I can appreciate the guitar, I really want to learn how to play. The only thing I need to do is refurbish the guitar.
I started my party planning business a couple months ago. I've done a couple parties, but with it being just a small time business it will be a rocky start. The idea first came to me when I was watching a T.V show. When I first came up with the idea, it was just for fun. But I've always wanted to make people happy and what a better way then making a day that they'll always remember? I know that it'll be a rough start, but I'm up for the challenge.
Since I have a love for writing, I would love to write books. When we lived in North Carolina, my best friend and I before I left we sat down and came up with an idea for a book. It was supposed to be about a girl that lived on a remote island when this boy on a plane got into a crash and ended up on the same island. When we moved, I didn't focus on it. Now that I have the time, i'm slowly but surely riding it. It'll take some time though.
When I was a little girl, my mom always used to sit in the chair when she would watch her soaps and quilt. I was always fascinated at how a normal piece of fabric can turn into a beautiful quilt. I made a little blanket one time for my baby dolls when I was younger. My mom made me 2 quilts that I still have and will always keep dear to my heart. Before I was born, she made me a Minnie Mouse blanket. I used to drag it around the house and it would go everywhere with me. Now that I'm grown, before I left the house my mom made me a queen sized blanket. The pattern has lighthouses, and seas on the top. It took her four years to make, I keep it very special to my heart.
The reason I want to start making blankets is because it would be a hobby. I'd make different types of blankets, and it would be for friends or family. But overall, I would really love to make blankets and sell some of them, we will see where that goes.
People all have interests and hobbies that they love. It can be about anything, or everything. These are mine, and I would love to see what the next year brings me.
Friday, December 27, 2013
The One For Me
I always told myself that I was going to live alone. Especially in High School walking through the hallways and wondering if you could ever be as happy as all the couples. Let me just say, Valentines Day was always the worst especially if you were single. Seeing all the couples walk around with big teddy bears, candy, and flowers. Maybe that's why High School wasn't the best..!
Movies was kind of my romantic get a away from life. I'd watch any chick flick that interested me. Some were good, and others were typical. Boy meets girl, controversy happens, and the guy finally gets the girl. Typical right? I wished I was in movies sometimes in the situation the girl was in. I thought that if I changed myself that guys would realize me, and I'd find someone who loved me.
Except life doesn't always work out that way. I went through high school and mostly kept to myself. Didn't really date anyone except one guy who really made me regret the thought. I met him in my Sophomore year of high school, he was a junior. When I highlighted my hair and thought that it made a change in my appearance. He was in NJROTC with me, and I felt like maybe I had a chance with him.
I asked him, and he told me yes. We hung out sometimes, and watched movies. He met my parents and it felt like it was going great. We would text all the time, and he'd make me feel great. I finally had someone I could hold hands with in the hallways, and even eat lunch with. To bad it didn't end like the fairy tales always do.
One day, it seemed he changed. He was more angry and rude. Seems like his ex was getting jealous of what him and I were doing and he decided days before Prom to break up with me. Heart broken, I told myself that day that I would be single.
Junior and Senior passed by with a flash. I was more worried about my studies those years. For me, obviously I didn't really seem like the "type". What I mean by "type"- is basically, in high school it seemed like all the guys wanted hot, skinny chicks. Since I was none of those, I felt like the outcast. I think a lot of girls might know what I'm talking about.
As I prepared for graduation, I felt like finally when I moved out of my parent's house that I could change who I was, and get someone who actually understood me. It happened earlier than I thought.
I finally met him, it was senior year. His name is Zachary, and I love him so very much. We first met as friends. I was interested in his cousin at the time, but now that I look at it I made a very good choice. I'll explain..
When we first met I didn't really feel anything for him. He was just one of my friends that I hung out with at lunch, and wait for after school to give a hug. We would text all the time, and when I first started working at Safeway I would call him on my lunch breaks and we would chat for the 30 minutes I had.
On my days off, we would hang out and go play frisbee golf or go see a movie, and even go out to eat. Typical.. but sooner I started to want to spend all the time with him. Something was drawing me towards him. Maybe it was the fact that around him, I could be myself. Not put a mask on and act like who he wanted.
One night he came over and we talked for hours on end about different things that was bothering us. I felt like we connected. And after he left that night, I went to bed and wondered how it would be if we were dating. That next morning, I took the chance and sent him a text...
" I really feel like we connect together, would you like to be my boyfriend." - I sent him that, and waited for a reply. Knowing he was at work, I waited till it was time for his lunch. When he text me, He said yes. I felt amazing. Then I had to work, always great.
Since we've been together, its definitely been a bumpy road. But I wouldn't have it any other way. He's the one for me, and I feel like I am the one for him. We give each other hard times, and fight like kids sometimes.
But at the end of the day.. I lay right next to him. And cuddle with him and know that in my heart, this is true..
I Love You Zachary!
Happy 6 month anniversary!
Movies was kind of my romantic get a away from life. I'd watch any chick flick that interested me. Some were good, and others were typical. Boy meets girl, controversy happens, and the guy finally gets the girl. Typical right? I wished I was in movies sometimes in the situation the girl was in. I thought that if I changed myself that guys would realize me, and I'd find someone who loved me.
Except life doesn't always work out that way. I went through high school and mostly kept to myself. Didn't really date anyone except one guy who really made me regret the thought. I met him in my Sophomore year of high school, he was a junior. When I highlighted my hair and thought that it made a change in my appearance. He was in NJROTC with me, and I felt like maybe I had a chance with him.
I asked him, and he told me yes. We hung out sometimes, and watched movies. He met my parents and it felt like it was going great. We would text all the time, and he'd make me feel great. I finally had someone I could hold hands with in the hallways, and even eat lunch with. To bad it didn't end like the fairy tales always do.
One day, it seemed he changed. He was more angry and rude. Seems like his ex was getting jealous of what him and I were doing and he decided days before Prom to break up with me. Heart broken, I told myself that day that I would be single.
Junior and Senior passed by with a flash. I was more worried about my studies those years. For me, obviously I didn't really seem like the "type". What I mean by "type"- is basically, in high school it seemed like all the guys wanted hot, skinny chicks. Since I was none of those, I felt like the outcast. I think a lot of girls might know what I'm talking about.
As I prepared for graduation, I felt like finally when I moved out of my parent's house that I could change who I was, and get someone who actually understood me. It happened earlier than I thought.
I finally met him, it was senior year. His name is Zachary, and I love him so very much. We first met as friends. I was interested in his cousin at the time, but now that I look at it I made a very good choice. I'll explain..
When we first met I didn't really feel anything for him. He was just one of my friends that I hung out with at lunch, and wait for after school to give a hug. We would text all the time, and when I first started working at Safeway I would call him on my lunch breaks and we would chat for the 30 minutes I had.
On my days off, we would hang out and go play frisbee golf or go see a movie, and even go out to eat. Typical.. but sooner I started to want to spend all the time with him. Something was drawing me towards him. Maybe it was the fact that around him, I could be myself. Not put a mask on and act like who he wanted.
One night he came over and we talked for hours on end about different things that was bothering us. I felt like we connected. And after he left that night, I went to bed and wondered how it would be if we were dating. That next morning, I took the chance and sent him a text...
" I really feel like we connect together, would you like to be my boyfriend." - I sent him that, and waited for a reply. Knowing he was at work, I waited till it was time for his lunch. When he text me, He said yes. I felt amazing. Then I had to work, always great.
Since we've been together, its definitely been a bumpy road. But I wouldn't have it any other way. He's the one for me, and I feel like I am the one for him. We give each other hard times, and fight like kids sometimes.
But at the end of the day.. I lay right next to him. And cuddle with him and know that in my heart, this is true..
I Love You Zachary!
Happy 6 month anniversary!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Minutes
Lately I've been doing some mental thinking. Every time it seems that my thoughts make me think of new things I can accomplish. That's what my life is about it's about making my life better than what it is right now. I didn't realize that till now. I've always lived my life one step at a time, instead of knowing what I needed to do. When I lived with my parents, I didn't have a worry in the world. I was still in high school and I was on top of the world. Met some friends that are still with me to this day. That's what my issue was when graduation came around, would my friends ever really remember me? Was I going to be alone again?
I can answer that question now and the answer is no. Yes, we have distance between us with College and Work. But for me, I feel very lucky to have my friends around me when they can. Girl time is always needed when it's been a while since I've seen them. Life is all about change and how you deal with it. This year, it really did change. Some for the best and some for the worst. But overall, I've really changed.
Before this year, I didn't really have a lot of self esteem in myself. I couldn't look at a guy without tripping, or make any friends that actually knew me for who I am. I was a loner basically, which is probably why I don't really want to focus on my high school career. Yes I did NJROTC and it was amazing. Making some friends in that class was good, and it helped me survive over the 3 years I was in the program.
Since graduation it has changed. I've moved in with my boyfriend and it's never been better. Yes we bicker and argue a couple times but that's what all people in relationships do. I don't really see my friends often but when I do I realize how important they are when i'm in my darkest times. Like my boyfriend I realize that he is an important part of my life. Since we've been dating, I've really got to learn more about life and different aspects.
My family is just as important to my story of life. Yes, they are far away now. But every now and then it's good to just at least be able to talk to them or skype them. I hope they know that I do love them. It's not goodbye just yet, I know that being in a different state as them is hard. Not really being able to see my mom did take it's toll on me. But I have to realize that she is in a good place with people that I trust, my dad and brother. Plenty of nights when Zach is asleep next to me, I look up at the ceiling and all I can think about is my mom. She's my best friend and she always will be, fight or not. I love her.
Minutes go by in my life and I can't help but smile because this is who I am. Yes this year has changed me, but it's also made me a better person. I have no more regrets about anything i've done or haven't done. I look forward to the future and I know that i'm okay. No more worrying about mistakes I've done in the past.
It's time for now....
I can answer that question now and the answer is no. Yes, we have distance between us with College and Work. But for me, I feel very lucky to have my friends around me when they can. Girl time is always needed when it's been a while since I've seen them. Life is all about change and how you deal with it. This year, it really did change. Some for the best and some for the worst. But overall, I've really changed.
Before this year, I didn't really have a lot of self esteem in myself. I couldn't look at a guy without tripping, or make any friends that actually knew me for who I am. I was a loner basically, which is probably why I don't really want to focus on my high school career. Yes I did NJROTC and it was amazing. Making some friends in that class was good, and it helped me survive over the 3 years I was in the program.
Since graduation it has changed. I've moved in with my boyfriend and it's never been better. Yes we bicker and argue a couple times but that's what all people in relationships do. I don't really see my friends often but when I do I realize how important they are when i'm in my darkest times. Like my boyfriend I realize that he is an important part of my life. Since we've been dating, I've really got to learn more about life and different aspects.
My family is just as important to my story of life. Yes, they are far away now. But every now and then it's good to just at least be able to talk to them or skype them. I hope they know that I do love them. It's not goodbye just yet, I know that being in a different state as them is hard. Not really being able to see my mom did take it's toll on me. But I have to realize that she is in a good place with people that I trust, my dad and brother. Plenty of nights when Zach is asleep next to me, I look up at the ceiling and all I can think about is my mom. She's my best friend and she always will be, fight or not. I love her.
Minutes go by in my life and I can't help but smile because this is who I am. Yes this year has changed me, but it's also made me a better person. I have no more regrets about anything i've done or haven't done. I look forward to the future and I know that i'm okay. No more worrying about mistakes I've done in the past.
It's time for now....
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The Year 2013, It's Ups and Downs...
Yes, the year is almost to an end. Ups and downs have turned out in this 2013 Year. Starting this year I thought that I would make a lot of changes to myself and I would be happy. I didn't really do anything that was on my New Year's Resolution List. But when do we ever accomplish anything set out on our lists?
Friends come and go, crushes turn out to be a bust, heartbreak, and family always will be there for you. Bumpy roads come along, family passes away, turmoil within your family changes a lot, moving out of your parents, emergency room visits, etc. Anything and everything can happen in life.
My year hasn't been exactly what I wanted it to be, but it has changed me and my aspect on a couple things. Which I believe has made me a better and stronger person.
Starting out this year, I was still shy and nervous about talking to people I didn't know, typical right? Still in school and didn't think that I was going to accomplish anything. Well I was wrong..
I accomplished quite a lot this year. Graduating High School, moving out of my parents, living in a place of my own, getting my first job, finding my sweetheart, and finally becoming myself.
I used to look at my past and think that I would never get anywhere, I would be who everyone else wanted me to be. But this year I've been taught by some pretty special people that it's not all about the negativity, more about the future and how I can succeed at anything if I put my mind to it. This is the year that changed me, for the best.
Yes there was heartbreak this year. My grandfather passed away, and it hurt me more than anything. Moving out of my parents without letting them know, and losing my job.
This year has been the changing point of my life. I can't wait to see what 2014 brings to me, but i'm ready for it to come and find out who I want to become!
Friends come and go, crushes turn out to be a bust, heartbreak, and family always will be there for you. Bumpy roads come along, family passes away, turmoil within your family changes a lot, moving out of your parents, emergency room visits, etc. Anything and everything can happen in life.
My year hasn't been exactly what I wanted it to be, but it has changed me and my aspect on a couple things. Which I believe has made me a better and stronger person.
Starting out this year, I was still shy and nervous about talking to people I didn't know, typical right? Still in school and didn't think that I was going to accomplish anything. Well I was wrong..
I accomplished quite a lot this year. Graduating High School, moving out of my parents, living in a place of my own, getting my first job, finding my sweetheart, and finally becoming myself.
I used to look at my past and think that I would never get anywhere, I would be who everyone else wanted me to be. But this year I've been taught by some pretty special people that it's not all about the negativity, more about the future and how I can succeed at anything if I put my mind to it. This is the year that changed me, for the best.
Yes there was heartbreak this year. My grandfather passed away, and it hurt me more than anything. Moving out of my parents without letting them know, and losing my job.
This year has been the changing point of my life. I can't wait to see what 2014 brings to me, but i'm ready for it to come and find out who I want to become!
Monday, December 9, 2013
It's A Force of Habit..
For quite some time I've been able to create habits that to me are familiar, but to others it seems weird. Since a little girl I've always seen myself as the girl who is always organized and feels great about my accomplishments. I have plenty of habits that I believe have helped me and will always be in my mind.
My first habit started when I was 16 I believe, I always saw my mom writing her list of important things to accomplish for the next day. I always thought that it was the coolest thing because you knew what you were supposed to do with your life. Funny huh? I talked to my mom about it and told her I wanted to do it, so she let me. I started it out and at first, I was so obsessed with accomplishing everything on my list that I would make it very detailed. Every time I would cross off something I would smile and be happy because I knew that day wasn't going to waste.
I still do my lists to this day. I'm not so obsessed with it now, but I make sure that I at least accomplish a couple of my goals. Making a list has really helped me with a lot of my plans throughout the day. I feel accomplished and knowing that I can make everyday count is the best.
Another habit of mine is keeping a lot of notebooks around the house. It's not hoarding, I promise. I keep notebooks around the house because for me, if I have an idea I want to write it down before I forget it. Since I want to become a writer, I have a notebook just for my writings. It's amazing how I love to write! I got it from my mom, she taught me to express myself and I love to do it in my writings.
I have journal after journal of writing about anything and everything. Since my mom first handed me my first journal with Winnie the Pooh, I've been writing about my life, goals, habits, mysteries about life, etc. I have a pile of journals, all for when I have children so they can read about my life and understand what it was like.
Habits are good and bad, but it depends on your outlook on the habit. You will live your life dealing with habits everyday. Habits make us who we are, they create our personality, they are a part of our life.
My first habit started when I was 16 I believe, I always saw my mom writing her list of important things to accomplish for the next day. I always thought that it was the coolest thing because you knew what you were supposed to do with your life. Funny huh? I talked to my mom about it and told her I wanted to do it, so she let me. I started it out and at first, I was so obsessed with accomplishing everything on my list that I would make it very detailed. Every time I would cross off something I would smile and be happy because I knew that day wasn't going to waste.
I still do my lists to this day. I'm not so obsessed with it now, but I make sure that I at least accomplish a couple of my goals. Making a list has really helped me with a lot of my plans throughout the day. I feel accomplished and knowing that I can make everyday count is the best.
Another habit of mine is keeping a lot of notebooks around the house. It's not hoarding, I promise. I keep notebooks around the house because for me, if I have an idea I want to write it down before I forget it. Since I want to become a writer, I have a notebook just for my writings. It's amazing how I love to write! I got it from my mom, she taught me to express myself and I love to do it in my writings.
I have journal after journal of writing about anything and everything. Since my mom first handed me my first journal with Winnie the Pooh, I've been writing about my life, goals, habits, mysteries about life, etc. I have a pile of journals, all for when I have children so they can read about my life and understand what it was like.
Habits are good and bad, but it depends on your outlook on the habit. You will live your life dealing with habits everyday. Habits make us who we are, they create our personality, they are a part of our life.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
On The Same Page
Zach and I have been together for 6 months, and it's been an interesting relationship to say the least. When we first met, we were friends and it didn't seem like we were going anywhere. He was to involved with another friend of ours and I was to involved with someone else. It didn't start to click until near graduation when we would hang out all the time. We would hang out all the time, hang out and play Frisbee Golf, texting from morning til night, and coming over for dinner sometimes.
When we first started dating, it wasn't the best starting out. We both had our moments and sometime's I thought it wouldn't work out. Yet, it seemed like whenever I needed him he was always there for me. Comforting me when my family situation ended up changing forever. We were rebels, we didn't really listen to anyone about how stupid it was that we were together.
When Zach and I first moved in together, we had very different opinions of everything. At first it felt like I was in charge of all the household items like cleaning, cooking, working, and laundry. It was hard when he'd come home from work and make a mess and I had spent all the time cleaning. Yes, it did make me angry and it took a toll on our relationship.
After sitting down and talking about it, we get along better together. Since we're two different people we have a difference of everything I thought it would be best if we sat down and made a list of things that are issues. After sitting down, and thinking about everything we came up with a solution.
I haven't been this happy in a long time. For the first time, there is someone who understand me and doesn't judge me, that much. I wouldn't change anything I've done to be with him. I've found my soul mate, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
When we first started dating, it wasn't the best starting out. We both had our moments and sometime's I thought it wouldn't work out. Yet, it seemed like whenever I needed him he was always there for me. Comforting me when my family situation ended up changing forever. We were rebels, we didn't really listen to anyone about how stupid it was that we were together.
When Zach and I first moved in together, we had very different opinions of everything. At first it felt like I was in charge of all the household items like cleaning, cooking, working, and laundry. It was hard when he'd come home from work and make a mess and I had spent all the time cleaning. Yes, it did make me angry and it took a toll on our relationship.
After sitting down and talking about it, we get along better together. Since we're two different people we have a difference of everything I thought it would be best if we sat down and made a list of things that are issues. After sitting down, and thinking about everything we came up with a solution.
I haven't been this happy in a long time. For the first time, there is someone who understand me and doesn't judge me, that much. I wouldn't change anything I've done to be with him. I've found my soul mate, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Friday, December 6, 2013
This Will Always Be On My Mind
Yesterday's piece made me really think a lot about my decisions and choices and where I am right now. Last night I read my piece to my boyfriend and he listened and then asked me "Why I can't let go of the past?" Well here's my explanation..
If it wasn't for the choices I made, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing this. Honestly, I don't now where I would be actually. Yes there was decisions made that I won't be able to take back and people that I will have a different relationship with, but everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for that summer, I would probably still have arguments with my parents about not living to my fullest, wouldn't have began dating my soul mate, would have stuck in my room and kept myself there unless it was for work or anything else. I would have been a graduating hermit still living with her parents and not making a name for myself.
I feel like I can breathe and not have so many judgments put against me. I can be anything I want to be, do anything I want to and feel accomplished. Freedom, something I've always wanted.
Just when I think everything's okay, something in the back of my mind changes my whole outlook, and once again I become exactly who I was before. Someone in my life that has always been there for me, isn't anymore. I hope she's reading this too..
My mother has always been there for me. Helping me with homework, or a serious issue that I think is an issue yet, it isn't. My best friend, my mom, my role model. Even though I feel like the decisions I made were for the best, some not so great but it was in the moment thinking, it has ruined our relationship more than I wanted it to.
I've never been good at decision making, but when I make a decision I really think about the rewards and consequences of my choice. Unfortunately, I didn't really think about this one. My mom and I talk occasionally now, simply because of some decisions I've made. She knows what I'm talking about, I just want to tell you mom that any decisions I make aren't to go against you or basically tell you to go f*** off. It's the decision I chose because sometimes I feel alone, I have a bunch of people around me, yet I feel alone.
With distance and time against me, I don't feel like we're close anymore. Yet, have we always been that close? We tell each other we are, but for a long time it's just been words, no actions. I love you mom I always will. You gave birth to me, fed me, dealt with my temper tantrums, etc. No amount of hatred or anger can cloud the fact that you will always be my mom. Yes, some of the arguments we have are in fact silly. But as you told me, we need a break.
I'll admit, it made me really sad when we had out last phone call. For some reason, you think i'm trying to replace you, yet i'm not. If you could be here I would never want to leave your side. No family member has tried to contact me and it makes me feel as though they didn't care to begin with. That's not what I want. I've always wished that our family could get along, quit the fighting, and show love. Yet, nothing goes the way I'd like.
You wonder why I always want to be around Zac's family, because they are exactly how I wanted my family to be. They made me a part of their family, I feel like I can be myself around them, not walk on egg shells when we had a family event like Christmas Dinner at grans. I just wish all the fighting would leave.
This isn't against you mom, i'm crying right now writing this because it's been on my mind for so long. I just never knew how to word it. I don't want to keep fighting with you mom, I need you more than you think. My days mostly are just me, thinking and contemplating. I wish you could understand my pain mom.. It grows more and more every time I think of you and dad and Jonathan.
When will our family become one again?
My wish is that you accept me and some of the decisions I've made and know that i'm okay. I want you to accept Zach and know that he's helping me in my worst hours. I just want you to be happy with me mom.... I want you to accept me for who I am..
This may be asking for to much, but as least you know how I truly feel right now. I love you mom! But right now, I feel like anything I do or say will be against what you think and that's not what I want. So I hope you read this.. and know that I'll always love you. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I do. After all, I am your Song Bird. So here's my song I sing for you mom.
If it wasn't for the choices I made, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing this. Honestly, I don't now where I would be actually. Yes there was decisions made that I won't be able to take back and people that I will have a different relationship with, but everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for that summer, I would probably still have arguments with my parents about not living to my fullest, wouldn't have began dating my soul mate, would have stuck in my room and kept myself there unless it was for work or anything else. I would have been a graduating hermit still living with her parents and not making a name for myself.
I feel like I can breathe and not have so many judgments put against me. I can be anything I want to be, do anything I want to and feel accomplished. Freedom, something I've always wanted.
Just when I think everything's okay, something in the back of my mind changes my whole outlook, and once again I become exactly who I was before. Someone in my life that has always been there for me, isn't anymore. I hope she's reading this too..
My mother has always been there for me. Helping me with homework, or a serious issue that I think is an issue yet, it isn't. My best friend, my mom, my role model. Even though I feel like the decisions I made were for the best, some not so great but it was in the moment thinking, it has ruined our relationship more than I wanted it to.
I've never been good at decision making, but when I make a decision I really think about the rewards and consequences of my choice. Unfortunately, I didn't really think about this one. My mom and I talk occasionally now, simply because of some decisions I've made. She knows what I'm talking about, I just want to tell you mom that any decisions I make aren't to go against you or basically tell you to go f*** off. It's the decision I chose because sometimes I feel alone, I have a bunch of people around me, yet I feel alone.
With distance and time against me, I don't feel like we're close anymore. Yet, have we always been that close? We tell each other we are, but for a long time it's just been words, no actions. I love you mom I always will. You gave birth to me, fed me, dealt with my temper tantrums, etc. No amount of hatred or anger can cloud the fact that you will always be my mom. Yes, some of the arguments we have are in fact silly. But as you told me, we need a break.
I'll admit, it made me really sad when we had out last phone call. For some reason, you think i'm trying to replace you, yet i'm not. If you could be here I would never want to leave your side. No family member has tried to contact me and it makes me feel as though they didn't care to begin with. That's not what I want. I've always wished that our family could get along, quit the fighting, and show love. Yet, nothing goes the way I'd like.
You wonder why I always want to be around Zac's family, because they are exactly how I wanted my family to be. They made me a part of their family, I feel like I can be myself around them, not walk on egg shells when we had a family event like Christmas Dinner at grans. I just wish all the fighting would leave.
This isn't against you mom, i'm crying right now writing this because it's been on my mind for so long. I just never knew how to word it. I don't want to keep fighting with you mom, I need you more than you think. My days mostly are just me, thinking and contemplating. I wish you could understand my pain mom.. It grows more and more every time I think of you and dad and Jonathan.
When will our family become one again?
My wish is that you accept me and some of the decisions I've made and know that i'm okay. I want you to accept Zach and know that he's helping me in my worst hours. I just want you to be happy with me mom.... I want you to accept me for who I am..
This may be asking for to much, but as least you know how I truly feel right now. I love you mom! But right now, I feel like anything I do or say will be against what you think and that's not what I want. So I hope you read this.. and know that I'll always love you. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I do. After all, I am your Song Bird. So here's my song I sing for you mom.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Lost and Found
Most of my life, I've thought that I found out who I was. I knew exactly what I was meant to do in life, the people I was supposed to have in my life for a long time, etc. This is where I found out that instead of finding myself, I'm lost.
Yes, I've moved out of my parents house right after graduation and yet I found myself in someone else's home. With rules and regulations similar to my parents, yet not so much. My decisions during this time were clouded by the fact that I'm not the type to make my own decisions without second guessing myself. I had help.
For me, I've been the one to be so shy I won't look at you unless you call my name and even then I will look away and not say anything. Let's just say High School wasn't the best place for me, not until senior year of course. I was always quiet, didn't talk unless spoken to, kept to myself and tried to be organized. I stayed to myself and wrote and kept writing til my hands would hurt sometimes. I expressed myself in my writings. Senior year I took a creative writing class and it made me really think about myself. Could I be creative?
During this class, I meant a guy that actually listened to me and didn't judge me. I grew to like this guy, so I tried to talk to him all the time. Typical girl right? I tried to change my tom boyish stance into a girly girl and I thought that maybe he would like me better. I started listening to the music he did, a bunch of other things as well. I'd eat lunch at the same table he did, and talk to his friends and get along with them. I was love struck.. It didn't end the way I wanted.
Over the few weeks, he started turning into his true self, and I couldn't understand what I did wrong. He'd come over to my house and we'd hang out and i'd enjoy it and wouldn't want him to leave. Then he finally came out and told me his intentions. Crying and trying to understand where I was at that time, I came to an understanding of our friendship. So I moved on..
Another guy came into my life and changed it for the best. Still at my parent's place we would text all the time and i'd always want to hang out with him, he introduced me to Frisbee Golf and a bunch of other things. I finally felt like my life was going to change for the best. Eventually, I felt like him and I could have a chance, so I took the opporunity and knew it was for the best. The more time we spent, the more time I felt like I could finally be who I wanted to be. Not who I was pushed to be.
As the time went on, my mind couldn't leave the fact that I still had feelings for the first guy. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Nothing I tried was working, ignoring him, talking to him to tell him my true feelings, nothing. For some time I thought that my decision wasn't the best one. It stayed like that for quite some time, until a couple months ago. He turned out to be exactly who my heart had told me he was. Pushing him to the side, I focused on my relationship and a couple of other situations I was in.
Moving out of my parents I felt like I was making the right decision at the time, yet after I saw my room empty, I felt like I should have put it all back and stayed there. Decisions I made, affected a lot of relationships. My relationship with my mom, yes it was rocky in the beginning when I started turning into a teenager and i'd get angry easily at every little thing. Every teenage has their moments of course..
I wasn't turning out to be who my parent's thought I should be, and for some time it turned into argument after another. I'll admit sometimes I was wondering if my family really accepted me for who I was. A girl who liked makeup, straightening my hair, wearing clothes that expressed me, and hanging out with my friends. I wasn't any of that until senior year. Before, I was the girl who always had her hair up, never wanted to go outside or make friends, never wanted to do anything except stay on my laptop all day. I was lost..
It wasn't until I graduated and had friends that wanted to hang out with me, makeup that enhanced my face and wore clothes that I liked and made me feel new. I was found, and I felt amazing. Yet, I still had issues that I couldn't understand to anyone that would want to listen.
With the days continuing to go faster and faster, I wasted a lot of the time I could have been spending getting my life together. My mind is a chaotic mess right now, with so many thoughts I can't began to think of where to start. My life, a chaotic mess yet i'm slowly getting it together. It seems, like every time I get closer and closer, something or someone get's in the way and I end up right where I began...
Will it ever become what I want it to be?
Yes, I've moved out of my parents house right after graduation and yet I found myself in someone else's home. With rules and regulations similar to my parents, yet not so much. My decisions during this time were clouded by the fact that I'm not the type to make my own decisions without second guessing myself. I had help.
For me, I've been the one to be so shy I won't look at you unless you call my name and even then I will look away and not say anything. Let's just say High School wasn't the best place for me, not until senior year of course. I was always quiet, didn't talk unless spoken to, kept to myself and tried to be organized. I stayed to myself and wrote and kept writing til my hands would hurt sometimes. I expressed myself in my writings. Senior year I took a creative writing class and it made me really think about myself. Could I be creative?
During this class, I meant a guy that actually listened to me and didn't judge me. I grew to like this guy, so I tried to talk to him all the time. Typical girl right? I tried to change my tom boyish stance into a girly girl and I thought that maybe he would like me better. I started listening to the music he did, a bunch of other things as well. I'd eat lunch at the same table he did, and talk to his friends and get along with them. I was love struck.. It didn't end the way I wanted.
Over the few weeks, he started turning into his true self, and I couldn't understand what I did wrong. He'd come over to my house and we'd hang out and i'd enjoy it and wouldn't want him to leave. Then he finally came out and told me his intentions. Crying and trying to understand where I was at that time, I came to an understanding of our friendship. So I moved on..
Another guy came into my life and changed it for the best. Still at my parent's place we would text all the time and i'd always want to hang out with him, he introduced me to Frisbee Golf and a bunch of other things. I finally felt like my life was going to change for the best. Eventually, I felt like him and I could have a chance, so I took the opporunity and knew it was for the best. The more time we spent, the more time I felt like I could finally be who I wanted to be. Not who I was pushed to be.
As the time went on, my mind couldn't leave the fact that I still had feelings for the first guy. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Nothing I tried was working, ignoring him, talking to him to tell him my true feelings, nothing. For some time I thought that my decision wasn't the best one. It stayed like that for quite some time, until a couple months ago. He turned out to be exactly who my heart had told me he was. Pushing him to the side, I focused on my relationship and a couple of other situations I was in.
Moving out of my parents I felt like I was making the right decision at the time, yet after I saw my room empty, I felt like I should have put it all back and stayed there. Decisions I made, affected a lot of relationships. My relationship with my mom, yes it was rocky in the beginning when I started turning into a teenager and i'd get angry easily at every little thing. Every teenage has their moments of course..
I wasn't turning out to be who my parent's thought I should be, and for some time it turned into argument after another. I'll admit sometimes I was wondering if my family really accepted me for who I was. A girl who liked makeup, straightening my hair, wearing clothes that expressed me, and hanging out with my friends. I wasn't any of that until senior year. Before, I was the girl who always had her hair up, never wanted to go outside or make friends, never wanted to do anything except stay on my laptop all day. I was lost..
It wasn't until I graduated and had friends that wanted to hang out with me, makeup that enhanced my face and wore clothes that I liked and made me feel new. I was found, and I felt amazing. Yet, I still had issues that I couldn't understand to anyone that would want to listen.
With the days continuing to go faster and faster, I wasted a lot of the time I could have been spending getting my life together. My mind is a chaotic mess right now, with so many thoughts I can't began to think of where to start. My life, a chaotic mess yet i'm slowly getting it together. It seems, like every time I get closer and closer, something or someone get's in the way and I end up right where I began...
Will it ever become what I want it to be?
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Life's About Letting Go
I've been learning about something that I never thought I could ever do... letting go. For me, I would always hold onto the bad and the good memories that come into my life. When I was a little girl I would try my best to watch what I was doing around everyone see as a kid it's easy to let go of things. Time goes on and letting go seems to disappear from your thoughts. You start taking everything to heart well at least certain people do. I wasn't like most people I took everything anyone ever told me to heart. Plenty of times in school I would be bullied and it wasn't the best feeling in the world.
In most cases I would cower in corners and hide myself from the people that didn't understand me. Years and years went by and it seemed my life was slowly getting worse. It didn't matter who told me, anything that someone said I would take into heart.
Family time was a good thing, when I was younger we would read and write and watch The Lion King all the time. It seemed like as time went on things got harder. Since being the oldest one out of the two I was responsible for a lot of things. Cooking, Cleaning, Making sure my school work was done, being a good sister.
Recently I was in charge of watching over my little brother. Seem's like an easy task right? Being a recent graduate of High School and getting my first job at Safeway I was excited! With my parents gone to Iowa I was left in charge of taking care of the house and my brother. At first, I felt like I had it all taken care of. I would go to work and he would play Xbox. Slowly but surely it seemed that I wasn't doing all that my parents wanted. Getting constant criticism and negativity from my "decisions" I let it get to me. I was never in charge of the house, working a job, and taking care of my brother all at the same time.
Hanging out with my friends too didn't make it any better. My situation wasn't the best in the world. My parent's might tell you differently but for me it was a new experience. Let's just say it changed my entire life.
Being a child that took everything to heart as an adult it is still like that. I am always serious all the time, I can't take jokes, I can't let loose, and I can't let go. Letting go of my past is the hardest thing in my life.
Until recently I started thinking about everything that I've let get to me. Many days I've sat wondering how different my life would be if I wouldn't have let things get to me. Maybe I wouldn't have depression I wouldn't have negative thoughts I could finally live my life the way I want. I could be me.
I finally made the decision to just let go. I'm tired of letting my past and people get to me. I'm tired of many nights crying or many days having disagreements with Zach because I can't let go of my past. My future is what I make of it. I want to succeed in life, not just waste the days away.
My mom and I have had plenty of disagreements, and since my moving out it just seems like her and I will never get on the same page. It seems she has a difference of opinion in certain aspects of my life, while I tried to understand her ways of thinking I just can't. Days and day's I would sit and wonder and take what she told me to heart. I love my mom to death she gave me a great childhood and I will never forget that. The decisions I made have cost me my relationship with my mom. Fighting with her isn't the best thing for me, I take what she says to heart.
I don't want to fight with her anymore. But it seems like the situation has gone for the worst. We need a break, maybe to find out who we are and what we truly need. So mom if you are reading this don't think that i'm giving up on you. I love you, you're my best friend, my role model, but most importantly my mom.
I've finally learned to let go of the past it doesn't help me in the future, it makes me dwell on the past. I want to focus on my life on my wonderful boyfriend who has helped me out, my future goals of becoming a journalist, and my life.
In most cases I would cower in corners and hide myself from the people that didn't understand me. Years and years went by and it seemed my life was slowly getting worse. It didn't matter who told me, anything that someone said I would take into heart.
Family time was a good thing, when I was younger we would read and write and watch The Lion King all the time. It seemed like as time went on things got harder. Since being the oldest one out of the two I was responsible for a lot of things. Cooking, Cleaning, Making sure my school work was done, being a good sister.
Recently I was in charge of watching over my little brother. Seem's like an easy task right? Being a recent graduate of High School and getting my first job at Safeway I was excited! With my parents gone to Iowa I was left in charge of taking care of the house and my brother. At first, I felt like I had it all taken care of. I would go to work and he would play Xbox. Slowly but surely it seemed that I wasn't doing all that my parents wanted. Getting constant criticism and negativity from my "decisions" I let it get to me. I was never in charge of the house, working a job, and taking care of my brother all at the same time.
Hanging out with my friends too didn't make it any better. My situation wasn't the best in the world. My parent's might tell you differently but for me it was a new experience. Let's just say it changed my entire life.
Being a child that took everything to heart as an adult it is still like that. I am always serious all the time, I can't take jokes, I can't let loose, and I can't let go. Letting go of my past is the hardest thing in my life.
Until recently I started thinking about everything that I've let get to me. Many days I've sat wondering how different my life would be if I wouldn't have let things get to me. Maybe I wouldn't have depression I wouldn't have negative thoughts I could finally live my life the way I want. I could be me.
I finally made the decision to just let go. I'm tired of letting my past and people get to me. I'm tired of many nights crying or many days having disagreements with Zach because I can't let go of my past. My future is what I make of it. I want to succeed in life, not just waste the days away.
My mom and I have had plenty of disagreements, and since my moving out it just seems like her and I will never get on the same page. It seems she has a difference of opinion in certain aspects of my life, while I tried to understand her ways of thinking I just can't. Days and day's I would sit and wonder and take what she told me to heart. I love my mom to death she gave me a great childhood and I will never forget that. The decisions I made have cost me my relationship with my mom. Fighting with her isn't the best thing for me, I take what she says to heart.
I don't want to fight with her anymore. But it seems like the situation has gone for the worst. We need a break, maybe to find out who we are and what we truly need. So mom if you are reading this don't think that i'm giving up on you. I love you, you're my best friend, my role model, but most importantly my mom.
I've finally learned to let go of the past it doesn't help me in the future, it makes me dwell on the past. I want to focus on my life on my wonderful boyfriend who has helped me out, my future goals of becoming a journalist, and my life.
Friday, November 29, 2013
The Misadventures of A Young Adult
Here's another piece to my story. Lately, it seems like life has been trying to make it harder for me to understand. What I mean by this is the fact that certain aspects in my life are starting to unravel. A couple days ago, it seemed like life was actually starting to get back together. I was hanging out with my girlfriends, and enjoying some time away from life. We went to see a movie " Catching Fire" and we went to Gunther Toodies. Spending time with them was reassuring that I had great friends that cared. Later that night, I came to see my boyfriend after a long day of work for him. His painful cries and moans made me cry and worry for him, so we finally took him to the E.R after begging him to do it for himself. We were awake through the morning til 5:30 am and it seemed like he was finally going to feel better. Leaving him was the hardest thing for me knowing that I was going to be away from him made me want to stay with him. Getting home, my mind was racing on a multitude of things. Knowing that I needed to sleep because I had a job interview later I went to bed and tried to sleep. After three hours I got up and went back to working for the completion of today's goals. Going to the interview I was nervous yet confident in my decisions.
With Zach in the hospital and me worrying about the money and all that my heart started to ache. Constantly going to see him it is great to see the progress that he is accomplishing. As long as he's able to function! Thanksgiving dinner was nice having it with his family. Black Friday shopping was a new experience to me with my new family. Getting a Tablet, Hair Dye, and makeup kit was great! This is the story of the Misadventures of A Young Adult..
Have a wonderful night!
Steph
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Having Second Thoughts..?
Life is all about choices some can be good while other's not so good. We make these choices everyday of our life by deciding on whether or not we want to spend $80 on a new game or keep the $80 for gas to get to work the next day. Take one choice you've made and really look at it. You could have made the right or wrong decision. In my life I've made some right and wrong decisions. I'll give you an example of something I've done right and wrong.
RIGHT:
- Graduating High School: Yes I did have my mother and father constantly on my back to make sure I stayed on top of everything that I needed to accomplish, and I love them for not giving up on me even when I thought I would have.
WRONG:
- Over the summer, moving out of my parent's house before they came back. Now some of you can view this as wrong, but in a way in my mind I think this could be considered right and wrong. It all depends on how you look at it.
I'm still having second thoughts on some of the decisions I've made in my life, but that's something that I have to deal with. Basically, my decisions I chose because either that made sense to me or because it was the most logical thing to do. Either way, at the end of the day those decisions will either affect me positively or negatively just like they will for you.
Decision making is probably one of the most hardest things to do, and I think a lot of people will agree with me. My advice, just don't let it get to you so much to where you start to second guess everything you do. It won't end up well.
Have a great day song birds, and stay strong!
Steph
p.s - Here's a picture that I find to be true
RIGHT:
- Graduating High School: Yes I did have my mother and father constantly on my back to make sure I stayed on top of everything that I needed to accomplish, and I love them for not giving up on me even when I thought I would have.
WRONG:
- Over the summer, moving out of my parent's house before they came back. Now some of you can view this as wrong, but in a way in my mind I think this could be considered right and wrong. It all depends on how you look at it.
I'm still having second thoughts on some of the decisions I've made in my life, but that's something that I have to deal with. Basically, my decisions I chose because either that made sense to me or because it was the most logical thing to do. Either way, at the end of the day those decisions will either affect me positively or negatively just like they will for you.
Decision making is probably one of the most hardest things to do, and I think a lot of people will agree with me. My advice, just don't let it get to you so much to where you start to second guess everything you do. It won't end up well.
Have a great day song birds, and stay strong!
Steph
p.s - Here's a picture that I find to be true
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
A Piece From A Special Someone
The Song Bird in My Life
I've been blessed to have a songbird in my life. She came to me when I was just 23 years old. She was exactly what I needed even though it took a long time to realize just how much I needed her song in my life. The song she sings has brought both joy and pain into my world and I love her more every day for the song that she sings.
I am late to the social media phenomenon. I am a child of the early 70's and so my priorities are different than this generation. My children, the Songbird and her brother, have been using Facebook and Twitter for quite some time. I recently joined Twitter as a way of communicating with them as there is instant access and daily communication because there is distance between us now. They tell me #thestruggleisreal. I believe it.
The Songbird and I have struggled this year. We had a death in the family and while I was attending to that a predator, a dark force with ill intentions, swooped into our nest and stole my songbird away from me. The Songbird, who had made me so proud at her graduation several weeks earlier was gone when I returned. There was no trace of her in the nest her father and I had lovingly created. I was devastated. I loved the Songbird more than she knew or even knows to this day.
The Songbird was a happy one growing up. She used to light up any room that she entered. She giggled and laughed, spent afternoons on my lap reading books and developed a love of writing that I share. She used to run down the hallway so that her Dad could toss her on the bed and she would laugh and laugh. I miss those days.
My Songbird grew up so fast. I was there with her every day of her life. I had the privilege of contributing to her song. Benefiting from her innocence and watching her mature into who she is today. She asked me some time ago, before she graduated, if I would contribute to her blog. I never found the time but this is my contribution now.
The Songbird is grown up now and on her own. The song she sings someone else is able to hear every day now. I get glimpses of the song every now and then when we Skype. The Songbird struggles and my heart aches to help her from a distance. The predator, the one who stole my Songbird, still has access to her. More than I like because the predator knows that interfering the way she did hurts me. I tried to keep my Songbird from the predator to no avail. The Songbird was too trusting and for that we, both she and I, have paid a heavy price. One of time and distance.
I want to tell my Songbird that she is one of the loves of my life. It has been a joy to have her song in my life and a blessing to my heart. It is beautiful to me and it gives peace to my heart to hear it. I am crazy about her. She is loved very much by me and her Dad.
I hope that as the years go by her song gets stronger and carries her to places she wants to go, doing the things that she wants to do that will make her happy. I hope that she never forgets what a blessing she has been to someone who grew up in darkness and yearned to have a beautiful songbird come into her life. It's amazing what the song of a songbird can do to change the heart of someone who had no hope and was blessed long before they realized it. We should all have the song of a songbird in our lives. The world would be a much better place if we did.
I've been blessed to have a songbird in my life. She came to me when I was just 23 years old. She was exactly what I needed even though it took a long time to realize just how much I needed her song in my life. The song she sings has brought both joy and pain into my world and I love her more every day for the song that she sings.
I am late to the social media phenomenon. I am a child of the early 70's and so my priorities are different than this generation. My children, the Songbird and her brother, have been using Facebook and Twitter for quite some time. I recently joined Twitter as a way of communicating with them as there is instant access and daily communication because there is distance between us now. They tell me #thestruggleisreal. I believe it.
The Songbird and I have struggled this year. We had a death in the family and while I was attending to that a predator, a dark force with ill intentions, swooped into our nest and stole my songbird away from me. The Songbird, who had made me so proud at her graduation several weeks earlier was gone when I returned. There was no trace of her in the nest her father and I had lovingly created. I was devastated. I loved the Songbird more than she knew or even knows to this day.
The Songbird was a happy one growing up. She used to light up any room that she entered. She giggled and laughed, spent afternoons on my lap reading books and developed a love of writing that I share. She used to run down the hallway so that her Dad could toss her on the bed and she would laugh and laugh. I miss those days.
My Songbird grew up so fast. I was there with her every day of her life. I had the privilege of contributing to her song. Benefiting from her innocence and watching her mature into who she is today. She asked me some time ago, before she graduated, if I would contribute to her blog. I never found the time but this is my contribution now.
The Songbird is grown up now and on her own. The song she sings someone else is able to hear every day now. I get glimpses of the song every now and then when we Skype. The Songbird struggles and my heart aches to help her from a distance. The predator, the one who stole my Songbird, still has access to her. More than I like because the predator knows that interfering the way she did hurts me. I tried to keep my Songbird from the predator to no avail. The Songbird was too trusting and for that we, both she and I, have paid a heavy price. One of time and distance.
I want to tell my Songbird that she is one of the loves of my life. It has been a joy to have her song in my life and a blessing to my heart. It is beautiful to me and it gives peace to my heart to hear it. I am crazy about her. She is loved very much by me and her Dad.
I hope that as the years go by her song gets stronger and carries her to places she wants to go, doing the things that she wants to do that will make her happy. I hope that she never forgets what a blessing she has been to someone who grew up in darkness and yearned to have a beautiful songbird come into her life. It's amazing what the song of a songbird can do to change the heart of someone who had no hope and was blessed long before they realized it. We should all have the song of a songbird in our lives. The world would be a much better place if we did.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
The Misadventures of A Young Adult
This series will continue and I called it " The Misadventures.." Simply because life is all about adventures. Except in this case, my adventures don't turn out the way I want them to. So here we go..
Recently, I became unemployed. Not by my choice but because I became seriously ill. I had a severe case of Strep Infection and P.I.D ( Acute pelvic inflammatory disease). I couldn't stand for more than 3 minutes without feeling dizzy. I couldn't bare to eat knowing that I might puke it back up, I was miserable. Zach took me to Urgent care two times, and in the first try they diagnosed me with U.T.I ( Urinary Tract Infection) and made me take Cipro. That wasn't working, so we went back and they gave me the diagnoses of Strep and P.I.D. That was at least a week ago that I started taking the meds they prescribed and started feeling better. But during this time, my work began to bug me. I told them what I had, they didn't seem to care. Telling me that I was lying, I was confused about what they were trying to do. At least 4 days ago, I found out from Co workers, that my boss John and a couple other managers made it official and fired me. To say that i'm mad, yes I am. I worked my butt off there for many months, six to be exact. Safeway is a good place, but not a good place to work. I can at least thank them for teaching me somethings about how it is at the workplace.
So now, I stay at home and work on my Party Planning Job. It's called " It's A Party.." Currently, I'm looking for a part time job until I get this one set up. I'm trying to get my life together, but I know that it will take some time, and plenty of baby steps. But i'm up for the challenge!
So my question to you.. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be and why?
All my love,
Steph
Recently, I became unemployed. Not by my choice but because I became seriously ill. I had a severe case of Strep Infection and P.I.D ( Acute pelvic inflammatory disease). I couldn't stand for more than 3 minutes without feeling dizzy. I couldn't bare to eat knowing that I might puke it back up, I was miserable. Zach took me to Urgent care two times, and in the first try they diagnosed me with U.T.I ( Urinary Tract Infection) and made me take Cipro. That wasn't working, so we went back and they gave me the diagnoses of Strep and P.I.D. That was at least a week ago that I started taking the meds they prescribed and started feeling better. But during this time, my work began to bug me. I told them what I had, they didn't seem to care. Telling me that I was lying, I was confused about what they were trying to do. At least 4 days ago, I found out from Co workers, that my boss John and a couple other managers made it official and fired me. To say that i'm mad, yes I am. I worked my butt off there for many months, six to be exact. Safeway is a good place, but not a good place to work. I can at least thank them for teaching me somethings about how it is at the workplace.
So now, I stay at home and work on my Party Planning Job. It's called " It's A Party.." Currently, I'm looking for a part time job until I get this one set up. I'm trying to get my life together, but I know that it will take some time, and plenty of baby steps. But i'm up for the challenge!
So my question to you.. If you could change one thing about your life, what would it be and why?
All my love,
Steph
Monday, October 28, 2013
Life's Biggest Lesson for Young Adults
When moving out on your own, it won't be as easy as it looks in the movies. It takes careful planning, and making sure you are set for any obstacle that comes in the way. I'm learning this lesson right now, it's stressful and time consuming but every young adult I think will go through this.
Imagine this- You just got your first job and your happy! Telling yourself that you will not spend one penny of you paycheck when you get it. Really? I believe that everyone has told themselves that line. Yes there are those that actually keep to their word, and then there are some that as soon as you get that paycheck it's gone within the hour. How would you rate yourself on that?
For me, when I first got my paycheck at Safeway I told myself I wasn't going to spend it. At the time, I was still living with my parents. I didn't really have to worry about any "bills" and buying food. I only had to worry about my phone and car insurance, not to mention gas for the car. I thought if I could, I'd save enough money and get everything I always wanted.
Yet, when I got that first paycheck, immediately I blew through it. Hanging out with friends, I bought stuff we could all enjoy. And let me just say... if you get a paycheck, the first place to go is your bank not the mall. I learned that lesson quick.
I was in a crunch, I lied at my grans. Wanted to move out and live on my own, or with my boyfriend? I chose to move in with my boyfriend and it wasn't a bad decision. We both are learning the responsibilities of being out on our own.
Now that I have a place of my own, I'm starting to realize some of the most important things. For one, the rent is something that is probably the most important things. You need a roof over your head right? Second, the responsibility of making sure that those bills you need to pay are paid off in time. And when you move out, you have maybe 4 to 5 bills to pay on top of the rent. But it isn't as bad as what it sounds, it's all about making sure you are doing the right thing to succeed in life. Going to work and earning the money for the bills and the food and gas for the cars. It's a lot to take in huh?
I woke up this morning, and when my wonderful boyfriend went to work I realized that this is something I had on my mind a lot. He's working 2 jobs right now to put food on the table and pay the bills. I'm working one job to pay some of the bills and all the extras that he can't get. We are both working class young adults just fresh out of high school, I don't think either one of us thought we'd be where we are today. We come home from work, hurting, stressed out, and worrying about bills and such.
But in the end we still have each other. We are going to make it through all the hardships, and come out on top.
So here's the tip: Before you move out, make sure you do your research and are positive that this is what you want. If you already have, congrats to you!
See you tomorrow song birds,
Steph
Imagine this- You just got your first job and your happy! Telling yourself that you will not spend one penny of you paycheck when you get it. Really? I believe that everyone has told themselves that line. Yes there are those that actually keep to their word, and then there are some that as soon as you get that paycheck it's gone within the hour. How would you rate yourself on that?
For me, when I first got my paycheck at Safeway I told myself I wasn't going to spend it. At the time, I was still living with my parents. I didn't really have to worry about any "bills" and buying food. I only had to worry about my phone and car insurance, not to mention gas for the car. I thought if I could, I'd save enough money and get everything I always wanted.
Yet, when I got that first paycheck, immediately I blew through it. Hanging out with friends, I bought stuff we could all enjoy. And let me just say... if you get a paycheck, the first place to go is your bank not the mall. I learned that lesson quick.
I was in a crunch, I lied at my grans. Wanted to move out and live on my own, or with my boyfriend? I chose to move in with my boyfriend and it wasn't a bad decision. We both are learning the responsibilities of being out on our own.
Now that I have a place of my own, I'm starting to realize some of the most important things. For one, the rent is something that is probably the most important things. You need a roof over your head right? Second, the responsibility of making sure that those bills you need to pay are paid off in time. And when you move out, you have maybe 4 to 5 bills to pay on top of the rent. But it isn't as bad as what it sounds, it's all about making sure you are doing the right thing to succeed in life. Going to work and earning the money for the bills and the food and gas for the cars. It's a lot to take in huh?
I woke up this morning, and when my wonderful boyfriend went to work I realized that this is something I had on my mind a lot. He's working 2 jobs right now to put food on the table and pay the bills. I'm working one job to pay some of the bills and all the extras that he can't get. We are both working class young adults just fresh out of high school, I don't think either one of us thought we'd be where we are today. We come home from work, hurting, stressed out, and worrying about bills and such.
But in the end we still have each other. We are going to make it through all the hardships, and come out on top.
So here's the tip: Before you move out, make sure you do your research and are positive that this is what you want. If you already have, congrats to you!
See you tomorrow song birds,
Steph
Saturday, October 26, 2013
My Relationships..
Yesterday's piece really started making me think about a lot. But don't worry, it wasn't negative. I came to realize that in my life, I haven't really had a lot of friends. You could say I was not the outgoing type, more of the stand in a corner and hope that no one would say something to me because then i'd have to talk back to them. I lived my life standing behind others, not raising my hand in class because I was to shy to have a bunch of eyes staring right at me for the answer, I wasn't the best at confidence. It started when we lived in North Carolina, just moving from Georgia, I packed everything and called Statesville, NC my new home. I was most definitely shy.
Going to the new school I expected kids to look at me funny and call me an outsider. It was middle school and it was different. For all of you that have had to go to a new school, you probably know what i'm talking about. The constant eyes staring at you, the whispers, the comments about your clothes all that is probably what got to me. See, i'm the type of person that can't take what people say and let it go I take it to heart. Probably another one of my self confidence weaknesses. Anyways, I tried my best to get out and be social, but there wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to be around people that seemed to have no interest in me unless to help them with homework. So i kept my head down, and piled through most of my middle school experience.
It wasn't until I met my friend, Chrissy. She soon became my best friend and I felt like I found someone I could trust with anything. We talked all the time, read the same books, had sleepovers and wrote about everything. We never fought, never had a disagreement about anything. To this day, I miss her dearly. When we found out we were moving, I felt hurt, taking it out on my parents, I regret it to this day. Before we left her and I came up with a story, promising her I would finish it and send it to her, I'm going to keep that promise and hopefully finish it soon.
From North Carolina to Iowa, we moved in with my grandpa. I hadn't really talked to him for a while. Mad at my parents, and missing Chrissy, I went into my depression state, my first real time I remember it like it was yesterday. During this time, I ate and ate. Food became my best friend at the time. I'd take food to my room at night and munch on it. Soon, my parents found out what I was doing, and put a stop to it. But, by the time they did, it was to late. I already gained a ton of weight, and it made me feel horrible about my self appearance.
Living at my grandpa's wasn't bad. I spent time with him, made him laugh, went fishing and had an amazing time. February of this year, I lost him. I don't remember telling him before we left that I loved him. That hurt the most. There are still days that I remember going to Clear Lake, and catching a fish before he does and he'd laugh. I love you grandpa! I miss you so much.
Moving to Colorado, my hometown, I started High School as a Freshman. I thought if I highlighted my hair blonde, it would make a difference. Not really, instead I still got the eyes taring at me in the hallway, the whispers of " here comes the new girl" and the laughs at my weight. My high school experience wasn't bad though. I joined NJROTC, and made a lot of friends. Went thorough school and made a coupe friends along the way. My best friend Cassie, and Kyra they were always there for me. Senior year was when I finally had a breakthrough. I made a ton of friends, I was kinda popular my senor year. Met the guy I thought I liked, a couple of other friends. But in the end, after high school, I never thought i'd be dating my friend. It's amazing how two people can be so compatible, and not even really notice. But I owe probably a lot to him, he just doesn't know it yet.
So here's another tip Song Birds, Stand up for yourself and be who you want to be. Self confidence in yourself is most important in your life, or other's will walk all over you.
With all my love,
Steph
Going to the new school I expected kids to look at me funny and call me an outsider. It was middle school and it was different. For all of you that have had to go to a new school, you probably know what i'm talking about. The constant eyes staring at you, the whispers, the comments about your clothes all that is probably what got to me. See, i'm the type of person that can't take what people say and let it go I take it to heart. Probably another one of my self confidence weaknesses. Anyways, I tried my best to get out and be social, but there wasn't a bone in my body that wanted to be around people that seemed to have no interest in me unless to help them with homework. So i kept my head down, and piled through most of my middle school experience.
It wasn't until I met my friend, Chrissy. She soon became my best friend and I felt like I found someone I could trust with anything. We talked all the time, read the same books, had sleepovers and wrote about everything. We never fought, never had a disagreement about anything. To this day, I miss her dearly. When we found out we were moving, I felt hurt, taking it out on my parents, I regret it to this day. Before we left her and I came up with a story, promising her I would finish it and send it to her, I'm going to keep that promise and hopefully finish it soon.
From North Carolina to Iowa, we moved in with my grandpa. I hadn't really talked to him for a while. Mad at my parents, and missing Chrissy, I went into my depression state, my first real time I remember it like it was yesterday. During this time, I ate and ate. Food became my best friend at the time. I'd take food to my room at night and munch on it. Soon, my parents found out what I was doing, and put a stop to it. But, by the time they did, it was to late. I already gained a ton of weight, and it made me feel horrible about my self appearance.
Living at my grandpa's wasn't bad. I spent time with him, made him laugh, went fishing and had an amazing time. February of this year, I lost him. I don't remember telling him before we left that I loved him. That hurt the most. There are still days that I remember going to Clear Lake, and catching a fish before he does and he'd laugh. I love you grandpa! I miss you so much.
Moving to Colorado, my hometown, I started High School as a Freshman. I thought if I highlighted my hair blonde, it would make a difference. Not really, instead I still got the eyes taring at me in the hallway, the whispers of " here comes the new girl" and the laughs at my weight. My high school experience wasn't bad though. I joined NJROTC, and made a lot of friends. Went thorough school and made a coupe friends along the way. My best friend Cassie, and Kyra they were always there for me. Senior year was when I finally had a breakthrough. I made a ton of friends, I was kinda popular my senor year. Met the guy I thought I liked, a couple of other friends. But in the end, after high school, I never thought i'd be dating my friend. It's amazing how two people can be so compatible, and not even really notice. But I owe probably a lot to him, he just doesn't know it yet.
So here's another tip Song Birds, Stand up for yourself and be who you want to be. Self confidence in yourself is most important in your life, or other's will walk all over you.
With all my love,
Steph
Friday, October 25, 2013
The Misadventures Of A Young Adult
I've decided that i'm going to start a new little mini series about my life. Just to give me a new aspect into my thoughts and dreams. So here we go...
This seem's like so long ago, My Senior Picture. Since then, everything has changed. Some for the best, or for the worst. But we just don't know that yet, right? 6 months ago it seems like I was not ready to graduate. I had just made some amazing friends, had a guy I thought I liked, got a job and felt on top of the world right?
I had no idea that I'd move out of my parent's sooner than I thought, get a boyfriend and be happy, feel like for once in my life the pieces of my life were starting to change than what they normally were. I thought I had it all figured out... Boy was I wrong?
Some of the things I did yes I regret to a point, but some of it I don't. Like for instance moving out of my parents, yes I regret it to a point. I didn't tell my parents I was moving out, I left them a note. What a coward move right?
Having no where to really go, I decided to move in with my grandma. Yeah, not really what I was expecting. With no car, and a job.. It was kinda rough. To be honest, sometimes I felt like I was walking on eggshells in the house. The added tension of the hated towards others also didn't help. The only person that really was there for me at the time was my boyfriend.
When my parent's came home.. I was actually expecting the worst. I knew that what I did wasn't right, I realize that now. I was lost, confused, depressed, and literally hating my life. My parent's kept wanting to talk to me, understand why I did what I did, but I was scared. Rejecting them, I thought I could live my life without them.. I was so wrong.
Moving on, I had a relapse one day. I couldn't take the stress anymore. I finally decided to contact my mom, I couldn't help but cry that night on the phone with her. I've always looked up to my mom, she's my role model. she's been there for me when I thought I didn't really have anyone. Yes, we have fought, we fight and joke, and yes sometimes I can be a royal pain in the butt. But I knew that in the end she would always have my back. Driving down to the house that night, I was afraid of what would happen. Yet, when I saw her and my brother sitting on the porch, my heart felt one step closer to healing. Sitting down on the porch, it brought back so many memories.
I found myself staying at my boyfriend's more than at my grandma's. Which I don't think really helped out my situation with my grandma. Yet, in a way.. It was kind of better at his place than walking on eggshells at my gran's. Being my mother's daughter, I could sense my grandma was realizing I was changing, hanging out with my mom more before they left made me anxious to move out of my gran's.
Living with my boyfriend at his parent's. Was a sign of relief, from most of the stuff that kind of stressed me out at my grans. Talking to him about moving out his place was a topic we talked about regularly. With my parent's leaving to Iowa, it was a hard hit to my heart. Regaining the connection with my mom was a great thing I finally felt like I could live my life again, being able to connect with my dad again was gonna take time, I really hurt him, and I feel horrible because of it. My brother wasn't really to interested in the family drama, I don't blame him. The pieces of my life were being put together again.
Yet, my life took a turn for the worst again, disagreeing with my family again, made the separation between us a little hard for me. It took my boyfriend texting my mom and telling her to leave me alone to realize that maybe we needed some space. I know in my hear t that he thought he was tying to help me. And yes, he was... but after that, my life crumbled again. Depression and thought of the past I let get to me. Hours upon hours, I'd sit in a chair and listen to depressing songs, reminding me of all the times ago when I would get depressed. He couldn't understand why I was acting like this, and some times in my mind I couldn't understand either. All I wanted was to be happy, live my life and have no regret, change my aspect on life and make it all I wanted it to be.
For almost 6 weeks, I let my depression get the best of me. All I wanted to do was cry, I couldn't understand why I let my past get to me. The depressing thoughts, I wanted them gone. Zac and I decided to move in together, yes it was a new experience for us. Taking our relationship further we decided to see if moving in together would be a good thing. It has it's moments, but in all reality, I wouldn't change this for the world. He's my structure support, my person I talk to about everything, my cuddle buddy, my protector from negative, and hopefully, my husband. I can honestly see myself marrying this man. He cares about me all the time, makes me laugh and giggle, makes me angry sometimes with his logic but overall, 'm in love with him.
Contacting my mom again, I was afraid that what Zac did that would change how my mom looks at me. We had a long chat about that, and I feel we are in a better place now. Yes, we agree to disagree sometimes about different aspects of my life, but overall I just feel lucky to have her back in my life. I feel like I can take back my life and accomplish some of my goals like going to college and majoring in journalism, getting a great job where I can enjoy writing and expressing myself, continuing this blog and making memories while doing it, making my man happy and living a long life together, starting a party planning job and seeing where that goes, mainly being able to have a great family relationship with my parents and brother and knowing that I have supporting people behind my back, that's what I want.
And that's where I am today... Living my life one step at a time and not letting anyone or anything tell me differently.
So if I could give you one piece of advice in my 19 years of life, it's this.. Don't let your past get to you, take it one step at a time and keep your head up high..
Have a great day Song Birds,
Steph
Saturday, October 19, 2013
Whisper
Come Back
What is this feeling
Like I've been falling
With a heavy ache and weight
Sinking me lower and lower
I can hardly breathe
This love it aches
It hurts and stirs
It urns for my affection and your kindness
To make it everlasting
Knowing a wall
Sits in front of me
It keeps me away
From loving you
Now heres where I begin
All alone
In the cold dark world we live in
Only to be lost forever in internal
Loneliness
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Caution
Pain of Relationships
Love is delicate
Love is kind
Love is patient
You just need to use it in the right ways
Make it want you want it to be
Sculpting it into a master piece
Its a beautiful figurine
Glistening in the pure light
But it always has its dark secrets
Anger an Agony steal and kill
You try to fight back
Your too weak to continue
Love has left and life has betrayed you
There is no use for you to breathe anymore
You give up and drown in your blood
There is nothing left
Love didn't do this to you
The mistakes and choices made you choke
The only way to get rid of this pain
Is if you let it go
With the wind
To never be seen again
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Listen
Here I am
Listening to your cries
The crown you wear is thorns digging deeper into you
I gave you my love and compassion
In your time of need
I endeaured listening to every negative aspect you tell me you are
Hear me now
Right here standing in front of me is a person who is intelligent, graceful, a rose beyond compare, a light through the darkest of nights
You are stronger than you think
You are capable to do anything your heart desires
You are a friend
Your my sister
Sabrina black
Monday, September 16, 2013
Sleep
Rest
Sleep is like a trance caused by a coin waving back and forth
or maybe....
Maybe its a portal to a new world
An escape...
An escape from pain, abuse, or even lies
A confort we never felt
A treasured beloning we hold close
to our hearts like a doll
A safe and sound realm
That we create on our own
Or is it a fear; if we sleep
our troubles will be there to call us tomorrow
Hoping that we may never wake
Wanting the sweet lullaby to never end
Sleep is the light when darkness calls
Sleep is the comfort from the performance the dark shadows put on every night
Sleep is freedom
Sleep is peace
Sleep is a dream
Monday, August 26, 2013
Echoes
Echoes
Tick tock Tick Tock
Creak Creak Creak Creak
Sitting alone in an empty house
Everything silences its as quiet as a
mouse
Bang Bang Bang the door of the window
Tick Tock Tick Tock
Creak Creak Creak Creak
Whispers of past conversations
Ghosts have come with invitations
Bang Bang Bang they walk across the
floor
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
CREAK CREAK CREAK CREAK
They are coming to get me
I pray on my knees
BANG BANG BANG the door busts
Silence
Monday, August 19, 2013
Start On Your Journey
Come with me on a journey...
Close the door and don't you worry...
Cease to remember the old and past...
But remind yourself of a new chance ....
The start of a new life....
Free from pain or regret ....
A chance for something new...
But it all begins with you....
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Death of Insanity
Music Box
Tick tock Tick tock
Echos the clock in
the living room
Ding Ding Ding
The chimes of the shadows ring
Bang Bang Bang
The shutters sing
Hum Hum Hum Hum Hum
Wing stums like violins
Doo Doo dooo doo
A young girl sings
Scratch Scratch Scratch
The voices are coming
TICK TOCK TICK TOCK
DING DING DING
BANG BANG BANG
HUM HUM HUM HUM
DOO DOO DOOO DOO
SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH
The noise grows louder
Insanity takes over
NO CONTROL
Make it stop
SNAP
SILENCE
Picture:http://www.deviantart.com/art/The-Music-Box-31161038
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