Yesterday's piece made me really think a lot about my decisions and choices and where I am right now. Last night I read my piece to my boyfriend and he listened and then asked me "Why I can't let go of the past?" Well here's my explanation..
If it wasn't for the choices I made, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing this. Honestly, I don't now where I would be actually. Yes there was decisions made that I won't be able to take back and people that I will have a different relationship with, but everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for that summer, I would probably still have arguments with my parents about not living to my fullest, wouldn't have began dating my soul mate, would have stuck in my room and kept myself there unless it was for work or anything else. I would have been a graduating hermit still living with her parents and not making a name for myself.
I feel like I can breathe and not have so many judgments put against me. I can be anything I want to be, do anything I want to and feel accomplished. Freedom, something I've always wanted.
Just when I think everything's okay, something in the back of my mind changes my whole outlook, and once again I become exactly who I was before. Someone in my life that has always been there for me, isn't anymore. I hope she's reading this too..
My mother has always been there for me. Helping me with homework, or a serious issue that I think is an issue yet, it isn't. My best friend, my mom, my role model. Even though I feel like the decisions I made were for the best, some not so great but it was in the moment thinking, it has ruined our relationship more than I wanted it to.
I've never been good at decision making, but when I make a decision I really think about the rewards and consequences of my choice. Unfortunately, I didn't really think about this one. My mom and I talk occasionally now, simply because of some decisions I've made. She knows what I'm talking about, I just want to tell you mom that any decisions I make aren't to go against you or basically tell you to go f*** off. It's the decision I chose because sometimes I feel alone, I have a bunch of people around me, yet I feel alone.
With distance and time against me, I don't feel like we're close anymore. Yet, have we always been that close? We tell each other we are, but for a long time it's just been words, no actions. I love you mom I always will. You gave birth to me, fed me, dealt with my temper tantrums, etc. No amount of hatred or anger can cloud the fact that you will always be my mom. Yes, some of the arguments we have are in fact silly. But as you told me, we need a break.
I'll admit, it made me really sad when we had out last phone call. For some reason, you think i'm trying to replace you, yet i'm not. If you could be here I would never want to leave your side. No family member has tried to contact me and it makes me feel as though they didn't care to begin with. That's not what I want. I've always wished that our family could get along, quit the fighting, and show love. Yet, nothing goes the way I'd like.
You wonder why I always want to be around Zac's family, because they are exactly how I wanted my family to be. They made me a part of their family, I feel like I can be myself around them, not walk on egg shells when we had a family event like Christmas Dinner at grans. I just wish all the fighting would leave.
This isn't against you mom, i'm crying right now writing this because it's been on my mind for so long. I just never knew how to word it. I don't want to keep fighting with you mom, I need you more than you think. My days mostly are just me, thinking and contemplating. I wish you could understand my pain mom.. It grows more and more every time I think of you and dad and Jonathan.
When will our family become one again?
My wish is that you accept me and some of the decisions I've made and know that i'm okay. I want you to accept Zach and know that he's helping me in my worst hours. I just want you to be happy with me mom.... I want you to accept me for who I am..
This may be asking for to much, but as least you know how I truly feel right now. I love you mom! But right now, I feel like anything I do or say will be against what you think and that's not what I want. So I hope you read this.. and know that I'll always love you. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I do. After all, I am your Song Bird. So here's my song I sing for you mom.
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