Lost and Found

     Most of my life, I've thought that I found out who I was. I knew exactly what I was meant to do in life, the people I was supposed to have in my life for a long time, etc. This is where I found out that instead of finding myself, I'm lost.
 
     Yes, I've moved out of my parents house right after graduation and yet I found myself in someone else's home. With rules and regulations similar to my parents, yet not so much. My decisions during this time were clouded by the fact that I'm not the type to make my own decisions without  second guessing myself. I had help.

     For me, I've been the one to be so shy I won't look at you unless you call my name and even then I will look away and not say anything. Let's just say High School wasn't the best place for me, not until senior year of course. I was always quiet, didn't talk unless spoken to, kept to myself and tried to be organized. I stayed to myself and wrote and kept writing til my hands would hurt sometimes. I expressed myself in my writings. Senior year I took a creative writing class and it made me really think about myself. Could I be creative?

     During this class, I meant a guy that actually listened to me and didn't judge me. I grew to like this guy, so I tried to talk to him all the time. Typical girl right? I tried to change my tom boyish stance into a girly girl and I thought that maybe he would like me better. I started listening to the music he did, a bunch of other things as well. I'd eat lunch at the same table he did, and talk to his friends and get along with them. I was love struck.. It didn't end the way I wanted.

     Over the few weeks, he started turning into his true self, and I couldn't understand what I did wrong. He'd come over to my house and we'd hang out and i'd enjoy it and wouldn't want him to leave. Then he finally came out and told me his intentions. Crying and trying to understand where I was at that time, I came to an understanding of our friendship. So I moved on..

     Another guy came into my life and changed it for the best. Still at my parent's place we would text all the time and i'd always want to hang out with him, he introduced me to Frisbee Golf and a bunch of other things. I finally felt like my life was going to change for the best. Eventually, I felt like him and I could have a chance, so I took the opporunity and knew it was for the best. The more time we spent, the more time I felt like I could finally be who I wanted to be. Not who I was pushed to be.

     As the time went on, my mind couldn't leave the fact that I still had feelings for the first guy. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Nothing I tried was working, ignoring him, talking to him to tell him my true feelings, nothing. For some time I thought that my decision wasn't the best one. It stayed like that for quite some time, until a couple months ago. He turned out to be exactly who my heart had told me he was. Pushing him to the side, I focused on my relationship and a couple of other situations I was in.

    Moving out of my parents I felt like I was making the right decision at the time, yet after I saw my room empty, I felt like I should have put it all back and stayed there. Decisions I made, affected a lot of relationships. My relationship with my mom, yes it was rocky in the beginning when I started turning into a teenager and i'd get angry easily at every little thing. Every teenage has their moments of course..

    I wasn't turning out to be who my parent's thought I should be, and for some time it turned into argument after another. I'll admit sometimes I was wondering if my family really accepted me for who I was. A girl who liked makeup, straightening my hair, wearing clothes that expressed me, and hanging out with my friends. I wasn't any of that until senior year. Before, I was the girl who always had her hair up, never wanted to go outside or make friends, never wanted to do anything except stay on my laptop all day. I was lost..

    It wasn't until I graduated and had friends that wanted to hang out with me, makeup that enhanced my face and wore clothes that I liked and made me feel new. I was found, and I felt amazing. Yet, I still had issues that I couldn't understand to anyone that would want to listen.

     With the days continuing to go faster and faster, I wasted a lot of the time I could have been spending getting my life together. My mind is a chaotic mess right now, with so many thoughts I can't began to think of where to start. My life, a chaotic mess yet i'm slowly getting it together. It seems, like every time I get closer and closer, something or someone get's in the way and I end up right where I began...

Will it ever become what I want it to be?