I've decided that i'm going to start a new little mini series about my life. Just to give me a new aspect into my thoughts and dreams. So here we go...
This seem's like so long ago, My Senior Picture. Since then, everything has changed. Some for the best, or for the worst. But we just don't know that yet, right? 6 months ago it seems like I was not ready to graduate. I had just made some amazing friends, had a guy I thought I liked, got a job and felt on top of the world right?
I had no idea that I'd move out of my parent's sooner than I thought, get a boyfriend and be happy, feel like for once in my life the pieces of my life were starting to change than what they normally were. I thought I had it all figured out... Boy was I wrong?
Some of the things I did yes I regret to a point, but some of it I don't. Like for instance moving out of my parents, yes I regret it to a point. I didn't tell my parents I was moving out, I left them a note. What a coward move right?
Having no where to really go, I decided to move in with my grandma. Yeah, not really what I was expecting. With no car, and a job.. It was kinda rough. To be honest, sometimes I felt like I was walking on eggshells in the house. The added tension of the hated towards others also didn't help. The only person that really was there for me at the time was my boyfriend.
When my parent's came home.. I was actually expecting the worst. I knew that what I did wasn't right, I realize that now. I was lost, confused, depressed, and literally hating my life. My parent's kept wanting to talk to me, understand why I did what I did, but I was scared. Rejecting them, I thought I could live my life without them.. I was so wrong.
Moving on, I had a relapse one day. I couldn't take the stress anymore. I finally decided to contact my mom, I couldn't help but cry that night on the phone with her. I've always looked up to my mom, she's my role model. she's been there for me when I thought I didn't really have anyone. Yes, we have fought, we fight and joke, and yes sometimes I can be a royal pain in the butt. But I knew that in the end she would always have my back. Driving down to the house that night, I was afraid of what would happen. Yet, when I saw her and my brother sitting on the porch, my heart felt one step closer to healing. Sitting down on the porch, it brought back so many memories.
I found myself staying at my boyfriend's more than at my grandma's. Which I don't think really helped out my situation with my grandma. Yet, in a way.. It was kind of better at his place than walking on eggshells at my gran's. Being my mother's daughter, I could sense my grandma was realizing I was changing, hanging out with my mom more before they left made me anxious to move out of my gran's.
Living with my boyfriend at his parent's. Was a sign of relief, from most of the stuff that kind of stressed me out at my grans. Talking to him about moving out his place was a topic we talked about regularly. With my parent's leaving to Iowa, it was a hard hit to my heart. Regaining the connection with my mom was a great thing I finally felt like I could live my life again, being able to connect with my dad again was gonna take time, I really hurt him, and I feel horrible because of it. My brother wasn't really to interested in the family drama, I don't blame him. The pieces of my life were being put together again.
Yet, my life took a turn for the worst again, disagreeing with my family again, made the separation between us a little hard for me. It took my boyfriend texting my mom and telling her to leave me alone to realize that maybe we needed some space. I know in my hear t that he thought he was tying to help me. And yes, he was... but after that, my life crumbled again. Depression and thought of the past I let get to me. Hours upon hours, I'd sit in a chair and listen to depressing songs, reminding me of all the times ago when I would get depressed. He couldn't understand why I was acting like this, and some times in my mind I couldn't understand either. All I wanted was to be happy, live my life and have no regret, change my aspect on life and make it all I wanted it to be.
For almost 6 weeks, I let my depression get the best of me. All I wanted to do was cry, I couldn't understand why I let my past get to me. The depressing thoughts, I wanted them gone. Zac and I decided to move in together, yes it was a new experience for us. Taking our relationship further we decided to see if moving in together would be a good thing. It has it's moments, but in all reality, I wouldn't change this for the world. He's my structure support, my person I talk to about everything, my cuddle buddy, my protector from negative, and hopefully, my husband. I can honestly see myself marrying this man. He cares about me all the time, makes me laugh and giggle, makes me angry sometimes with his logic but overall, 'm in love with him.
Contacting my mom again, I was afraid that what Zac did that would change how my mom looks at me. We had a long chat about that, and I feel we are in a better place now. Yes, we agree to disagree sometimes about different aspects of my life, but overall I just feel lucky to have her back in my life. I feel like I can take back my life and accomplish some of my goals like going to college and majoring in journalism, getting a great job where I can enjoy writing and expressing myself, continuing this blog and making memories while doing it, making my man happy and living a long life together, starting a party planning job and seeing where that goes, mainly being able to have a great family relationship with my parents and brother and knowing that I have supporting people behind my back, that's what I want.
And that's where I am today... Living my life one step at a time and not letting anyone or anything tell me differently.
So if I could give you one piece of advice in my 19 years of life, it's this.. Don't let your past get to you, take it one step at a time and keep your head up high..
Have a great day Song Birds,
Steph
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