Early Morning..

     This particular morning I find myself still awake from yesterday's long day. I find myself making a cake, cleaning the house, folding laundry, getting Zach's birthday present ready for Sunday, and writing this piece. I know it's been a while, I've been busy. Sorry.


     I've thought for the past couple of days.. " What would I write?" and nothing.... I mean nothing came to my mind. Strange right? I always have things on my mind.


     Yesterday, I was busy doing stuff for me. I kind of had a pamper day. Never had one before, so it was a new experience. I got my hair professionally colored, and my nails done. Two very new concepts for me as I have done my own nails for as long as I can remember getting nail polish and doing my hair for a while with those wonderful box sets.


     It felt like an amazing thing. To pamper yourself every once and a while. Zach's birthday present to me.. Early! As I sat in the chair while she was coloring my hair I couldn't help but feel happy. My best friend with me, I felt confident. I felt independent.


     That feeling has been coming more and more to me. Independent. A new concept to me since I lived with my parents until last summer. I feel more independent. More able to do things that I want and things I enjoy, within my limits of course.


     It feels weird being up this late,  or early.. doesn't matter. Like yesterday, today will be as equally busy as I will be trying to clean the house and frost a carrot cake all before 12:30. So I end my piece with the blissful thought of my newfound independence. I love the way I feel right now. Nothing could possibly change my thoughts, I'm a stronger person because of it.


- The Songbird-

A Writer..

     Ever since I can remember, I've had a pen in my hand. It started when I was given my very first journal. I don't remember exactly how old I was but I remember my mom giving me a Winnie the Pooh journal and telling me that I can write anything I want in it.  So since that very day I've been writing journals. In Middle School, I used to write little mini stories and poems. Leading right into High School, I tried to take classes that I was interested in. Mostly english and writing classes were something that I loved. Creative Writings really brought out my love for writing little short stories it would be about anything and everything.

     In High School, I told myself that I was really going to find out what I wanted to do with my life. I didn't realize how important finding out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life until my Junior Year. I slacked off Freshman and Sophomore year, which I regret. I didn't actually take my studies seriously. Junior year, I buckled down and told myself that the next two years of my High School career were very important.

     I flip flopped from different careers, I wanted to be a massage therapist for a while until I wanted to become a chef. Then I told myself that I wanted to be in the Navy because I was in NJROTC. Then, I sat down one day and really thought about something that I truly loved. Writing was the things I loved the most.

     For the very reason why I started this blog. I wanted to expand my writings, get more writing out and onto something that I can go back and read them forever. Now that I've been able to graduate and get into the "work" mode of my life I want to focus on my studies again. I enjoy learning, and if I can succeed in life with writing, it's something I want to do.

     So i'm going to make sure that I start looking for pell grants, or anything that will help me further my education.

- The SongBird-

There Will Be Time...

     Soon, my family is going to come back here to Colorado. Soon, there will be tears shed as they leave, and then I'll be alone again. Now I'm not saying this as negative as what it may sound like, but it kind of is. I've lived with my family for my whole life until last summer. I honestly can't changed what happened that summer, but if I did I would change how it turned out.

     I would have changed the fact that instead of leaving my mom and dad a note telling them I left, I should have waited till they came home and then sat down and talked to them. I wish I  would have brought Zach over more so my parents could get to know him as well as I do.  I've had many dreams about everything that's happened and I still think it would have been better if I did it that instead of leave the note. I didn't realize how much damage I really did until they came back. The result in my actions, tore us apart and I never thought that I would be talking to them again. I couldn't do that though, I had to talk to my parents most importantly the person who I connected with the most.. my mom.

     Yes, I will admit it felt very different coming over to the house for a short period of time until they moved. We barely spoke words with each other, and it didn't feel the same. Since that summer, and moving out and in with Zach has definitely changed my views on a many great things. I've learned a couple things that I am going to live with for the rest of my life.

     A couple nights ago I was laying right next to Zach and I just closed my eyes. He reached out for me and I snuggled in his arms, my most safest and most comforting place actually. He began talking to me about everything that we had accomplished, and had done since we met. He was telling me what he had on his mind and I was doing the same thing with mine.

     I talked about that summer, and what I did. I told him about how I wished I could change somethings. I told him that I was going to live with those decisions forever. I broke down in tears. He rubbed my hair and told me that I couldn't take them back only learn from them and move on. I told him about how I missed my family, and that even though he is here I feel alone sometimes. I don't really have a whole lot of supportive family on my side here in Colorado. That's when he started to talk to me about his thoughts.

     He told me that he feels like it was partly his fault as for my feeling alone. See, his family is here in Colorado and they are VERY supportive of him. He goes over to his Grandma's and Mom's almost every night. I can't do that. He gets to see his mom almost everyday depending on work, where as I only see my mom once in a blue moon if our schedules work out for an hour or two Skype call. When we first moved in, I was so excited that we would be living together. Just the two of us! But I realized, I wasn't going to be the girl who took him away from his family. I didn't want that to be the relationship between my future mother in law and myself.

     He went over every night, and I was okay with it. But, the only thing that really hurt me sometimes was when I'd go over with him. I'd get rants and raves over the fact that he didn't come home to a home cooked warm meal even though I did that for him almost every night depending on whether or not I worked. By the time he'd get home, it'd be cold. I'd be tired and ready for bed, but I was having the hardest of times trying to wrap my head around those rants and raves.

     Anyways, we laid and talked about a great many things. Tears were shed from both of us. I realized from that talk that I won't have all the time to be with my family when they come down for a while. But during some of the time that they are home, I want to spend as much time with them. I've already made plans with my parents and taking them out to a nice sit down restaurant and talking with them, really letting them know how I feel. Taking my brother and his friend to Taco Bell since they miss it in Iowa, and a nice sit down restaurant to do some bonding.. ( in otherwards talking about Xbox and Call Of Duty). Getting them presents for their birthdays and getting a special mother's day and father's day present.

     I want to spend as much time with my family as I can, cause like I said there will be tears but there will also be laughter.

Better Care.. For a Healthier Me

     For a while, I haven't really been taking good care of myself. Laziness just kicked in and I didn't do anything to stop it. Zach made me realize this last night when I was picking at the heels of my feet. It's something that I've done for a while. I do it because one it's something to do (yes, not a very good one) but I also do it when I get nervous. I have been picking my heel more and more now and I know I shouldn't. It's like something that I can't stop doing. I'll pick it so bad to where it will bleed.

     Horrible, right? I know. I complain all the time about how my feet hurt and now I'm realizing the stupidity of when I pick my heels. Zach is constantly on my case about how I shouldn't, and I'm trying my best not to. Now, I put lotion on my feet before bed and I try to not touch them when i'm laying in bed or watching tv in bed.

     He's right though, about taking better care of myself. I want to live for a long time.

     I've got to start thinking about my health, and everything else.

- The SongBird-

Missing My Parents

     Since I was a little girl, I've had a connection with my dad that I never want to lose. Like with my mom, I have a connection that I hope will never leave. I love my parents, they have done plenty of things that I believe make them good parents. Raising me, taking care of me, feeding me, making sure that I accomplished high school, etc. We've had our differences, and many many arguments and things like that. Overall, I believe that my parent's are doing what any other parent does.

     When I was young, my dad would make me laugh all the time. When he would come home from work I would run after him. He'd body slam me on the water bed and I'd laugh up a storm. We'd watch movies together, and when I was in the stage of Tea Parties he would gladly participate and make me feel like a princess. My parent's showed me videos that they made when I was younger. Shaking my butt to my mom's favorite song. Holding my brother and trying to tell everyone what my dad was repeating. Those moments I miss.

     I was thinking about my parents this morning. Now that I live with Zach, I can't see my parents like what I used to. Since they live in Iowa, I miss them more than what I realized.

     It's something that I'm starting to realize early on. I was in so much of a rush to move out of my parents house and gain my own independence that I didn't realize that it wouldn't be the same. That's why I miss my parents, I can text them and call them even skype them. But it doesn't feel the same.

     Moving out was definitely a new experience, for me and for Zach. I miss my parents more than they know, and even thought we have our fights it makes me love my parents more and more for dealing with my teenager mentality.

     I hope my parent's know how much I love them. I wouldn't be here without them. And no matter how far we are.. I will continue to call them, Skype them, etc.

              I love you mom and dad! With all my heart!


- The SongBird-

A New Sea Of Chaos..

     I've been busy lately with a few things in my life. I haven't worked since last Friday. I was supposed to work today, but as usual something comes up that restricted me, and might also possibly get me in more trouble or even fired from yet another job. The cards don't really look in my favor right now. It started a couple days ago, I was cleaning the house and made a cake for that night since we were going to have dinner over at Zach's moms house. I laid down for a bit thinking that my stuffy nose was because of allergies. I woke up almost 4 1/2 hours later feeling even worse. I took a Zyrtec and tried to calm down. At dinner, I tried really hard not to cough on anyone or do a whole lot of talking because it hurt.

     When we came home I took a hot shower and went straight to bed. That next morning felt like a bus came and ran right over me literally. I had a headache, sore throat, stuffy nose and body aches so it felt like a normal cold. I laid in bed til Zach came home and we went to Walmart to get Chicken Noodle soup, Robitussin, Vicks, and some cranberry juice. Came home and we made the chicken noodle soup and it was delicious. That next morning it felt like nothing changed, except only getting worse. By that time, I could barely swallow.

     I knew something was wrong, both Zach and I had the same symptoms so we called his mom and we went to the emergency room. It felt like Getting there, I had a bad feeling in my gut. They took Zach back first because he skin was red like fire red. They took me back at least an hour later, and I was in so much pain. They stuck a swab in my throat and it made me feel like I wanted to gag. The doctor then took another swab and put it right in my nose, he said it would feel like someone was tickling my brain. It kind of stung a little afterwards. Zach was in the room right next to me, so Julie would come over and check and see if I was okay. Maybe an hour into me being into the room, I began to feel woozy. They gave me steroids to calm down the swelling, which actually started working.

     The doctor went into Zach's room and told him the news, Mono. My heart sank, I was close to tears before he came into my room. I had the same thing. I also had an ear infection from blowing my nose to hard. He told me to get better, he gave me two prescriptions and told me that I couldn't go back to work until Monday. That's when the Sea of Chaos basically flooded everything. Zach and Julie  came into my room and I couldn't help but be frustrated with everything that went on.

     When we were on our way back to Julies, so we could get the truck and go home that's where I let my tears go. What was I going to do? My job already has it out for me, what would this do to me? When we got home I went straight to bed it was already 2 in the morning. I couldn't think anymore, my brain was fried. I slept and woke up the next morning, called my work and told them that I was going to be coming in.

     I went to Personal, and talked with Tami about everything. She told me since I called out to much for being sick, that I shouldn't be mad because I'm not getting hours. She told me that that's what happens when I call out. Since I already had my first couching not to long ago, I know that I'm probably going to get fired. My shift manager came in and we talked to her about possibly getting those scheduled hours for me to someone else, because then I wouldn't have to keep calling in and that wouldn't count against me for absences leading to another two couching's and then a boot to me with no job yet again.

     I have never been this sick before in my life. I didn't really start getting sick till I began working here. The different chemicals and situations I'm in at work. I really hope that I don't get fired, I need a job so I can feel independent when I bring in money that I worked my butt off to get and it was hard earned. That sense of independence basically is what I feel when I get a paycheck. I've worked at Walmart for 3 months, and I like my job. I like the people that I work with, the customers that give me a compliment on how clean the bathrooms are, or the employees that take time out of their day to congratulate me on the hard work that I do. But, I'm not going to keep my hopes up for the simple fact that if it doesn't work out the way it's supposed to that I will be fired. So today, I'm going to start looking for other employment, and maybe.. just maybe I won't have to worry about not being able to find a job, because everything will work out for the best.

This is my hope.

- The Songbird-

Catching Up

     I've written in the past about how it's very stressful trying to catch up to bills that seem to accumulate so much. We've been trying to play the catch up game since I lost my job. The amount of stress trying to figure out if your gonna be late this time, or if you even have the money is very new to my coming out into this world. You know.. I should have listened to my mom when I was still living with them about how important it is to make sure you know exactly what you need to pay, how much, etc.


     If I would have listened to the wise words of my mom, then maybe just maybe we wouldn't be in the situation we are so desperately trying to crawl literally out of. I didn't listen as you can tell.. and it's making me realize how I should start doing this efficiently so we aren't pulling our hair out. Both Zach and I are going to sit down tonight and figure out the necessities like food, electricity, a roof over our heads, gas for our car, etc. Not the luxuries such as going out to eat, going to see movies, etc.


     Now I will admit we have a couple of luxuries that we also kind of need, like Internet/cable. Yes we need the Internet more than cable but we bundled both and am with CenturyLink, who actually I believe is much more better than Comcast. We go out to eat sometimes, which I'll admit isn't helping our health out. We are making that vow today to stop out eating out so much. Let's see how this goes!


     I believe that with Persistence and Resistance we will make the right decisions when it comes to our money. It has to be Bills first, then food, then gas for our car. This I believe will help us make better decisions, and cause us more peace rather than stress.


- The Songbird-

Stand My Ground

     I've never been one to take criticism very kindly. See, in my point of view it's like telling me that I can't do something that I've seen other people do or even what I've done before. I was in this predicament a couple days ago. I've been thinking about what has been said ever since then, and even that day I couldn't help but cry and feel horrible about everything.


     It all started while on my way to work. Since my car is dead and Zach's truck is down for the moment, I had to hitch a ride. I thought it would have been a quiet one, I could stare at the snow that was coming down and ponder before I had to go clean bathrooms and deal with snoody people. To bad it didn't end up that way. Yes, I realize that things that were said were probably not meant to be so harsh, but the way they were described was definitely not as what was meant to be said.


     Have you ever had a person basically tell you that you are incapable of being able to have a brain? That's kind of how I felt on what seemed like a long car ride. My character basically went from great to worse. I realize that the comments said were probably in anger. I mean, it didn't really have to be this way. I was fully aware of the situation that Zach and I are in. It's not like we needed a BIG fat reminder. But yet, some people just think that they have to stick their nose where it does not belong.


     Especially when they have it really good. When Zach and I moved into our own place we realized that things were going to change. The extra money we had would be going to bills. Now that we have Koda we are taking care of him and making sure that he is well fed and has a great house to live in.


     Even though the words that were said didn't make me feel any better about the situation, it made me realize that he doesn't even know the situation we are in. How would he care? I've tried to hold my tongue for a while do to the fact that I respect others.


     Now that I am getting to the point to where I can't take the constant badgering and feeling like I haven't accomplished anything. I will stand my ground and not let anyone tell me what to do or judge me on mistakes made. That's what makes me human, is my mistakes and learning from them. I won't let my life be controlled by others that obviously don't know what I do and who I am.






-The SongBird-

My Love of Hair Rubs

     I absolutely love having my hair rubbed. I have since I was a little girl. My mom would tell me about how she would get me to go to sleep, a car ride or when I would ask her to rub my hair to get me to go to sleep. I have always loved every time I would get my hair rubbed. It brings me to peace and let's my mind relax.


     I always believed that when my mom would do that for me that our relationship was closer and closer. I would beg my mom for a hair rub when I got older and it didn't happen as much. I kind of wish it did happen more.


     I was thinking about this when I was at work. I didn't really have the best of days. Worrying about a bunch of things. When I got on my lunch I was surprised by Zach and he came and held me while I cried.


     He began to rub my hair and I couldn't help but start to feel better. It's like a relaxation moment for me. I can't help but feel better, and after I went back to work I began to have a somewhat more positive outlook.


     I will always ask for a hair rub. It's just who I am.


  

Disney Movies..

     Since I was a little girl I have always loved Disney movies. Every child has their favorite movie that can't compare to any other ever seen before. For me, it would be The Lion King. When I got older my mom would tell me stories about when we would come home and I would race to the T.V in hopes that I would be able to watch The Lion King or the times that she would turn it on and I would come running out of my room to the theme song of Lion King. I haven't lost my love for the Lion King, and I probably never will.


     Being now that I'm older, I don't watch a bunch of movies. With work, and taking care of Zach and Koda, and being a responsible teenager I find most of my time either at work or cleaning the house or something else that I need to get done. Maybe that's why I am so in love with Disney movies. It gives you a place to run away in your mind, just to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  I watch those movies for the exact reason for why I read books or write stories.


     Recently, I watched Frozen. Hearing everyone' story about how amazing the movie was I just had to get it. So tonight, I sat in bed with Koda in my lap and Zach dozing off from the day since he had worked so hard today at work. I sat there and imagined myself as a little girl, watching a movie that really made me think. Crying at certain parts of the movie made me realize something. No matter how old you get, the one thing that will never change is that in fact you are somewhat like the little kid your parents remember and hold close in their hearts.


     I skyped my mom today and talked with her about what's going on in her life. She broke down crying when we talked about Frozen and the relationship she has with my aunt in the past. Frozen reminds her of the relationship she had. I couldn't help but to cry after she got off the call.  Is it truly amazing that a movie can bring up feelings from the past?


     I remember when I was a little bit older, say maybe sixteen and still wanting to watch The Lion King. My parent's thought it was kind of funny that being older I wanted to watch a kid movie. There is something about the message behind The Lion King that always gets to me. I cry when I watch that movie, it's something that is very special to my heart. When Simba is looking into the sky and sees his dad and his father asks him.. " You have forgotten who you are, and so forgotten me. Look inside yourself, Simba. You are more than what you have become. You must take your place in the Circle of Life." When I'm really down in the dumps, and believing that I can't succeed at anything I remember that moment in the movie.

    


     It doesn't matter what age you are, Disney movies will always have an affect on your life. The moment you first watched the movie that you will remember for the rest of your life. You may have many or you may just have one. Whatever the case, Disney Movies are a true inspirational movie company that teaches you that you don't have to be afraid of life, or that you are the most creative person you can be if you put your mind to it.


- The SongBird