As I sit here, on the last day of 2013 I look back at everything that has happened. I will admit, this has to be the worst yet best year I've had in my nineteen years on this planet. Everything that happened this year, it's made me a different person. Someone who is many qualities, but overall. I'm just myself, no copy.. the original!
The year started off to a rocky start, with the uneasy feeling in the house. Yet, caused because of the difference of opinion it made life uncomfortable. School at the time was a drag, being a senior I wanted it to end and my life to start. I envisioned myself graduating high school and moving out and onto my college career. Funny, I read many self help books and took a bunch of notes to help my self confidence at that time. Slowly the year started and I was looking forward to the end.
The year has brought me heartbreak, loss, and a realization that I can change my outlook on life. It's definitely been an amazing year 2013.
I can't wait to see what 2014 brings me. Thank you all for the support and much love. I hope you all have an amazing New Years!
Today also marks the 100th post from A Song Birds Tune.
All My Love,
Stephanie
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Interests and Hobbies
Just recently I've noticed that I have a bunch of things I want to do in my spare time. I've categorized them into "hobbies" and " interests". I am so interested in these that for the New Year 2014, I'm gonna try and incorporate these into my daily life.
My first hobby is of course writing for my blog. Yes, I started it this year with the full intent to pay most of my attention at making good topics that will gain interest in the people of the society. I started out strong at the beginning of the year, and then it seemed that I got to involved in life. Now that it's the end of the year, I'm slowly but surely getting back to writing pieces. When I start a piece, I try to think about something that will interest not just me but my readers. For some time, I couldn't think of anything to write. Or I would start a piece and then not end up finishing it. But hopefully, next year it will be different. More experiences, and more interesting times will come next year.
My interest of playing the guitar has been with me for a couple years. My grandma had a very beautiful guitar that she loved dearly. When she passed, she gave it to me. My parents wanted to keep it safe and so they put it in a safe place ans told me to wait til I was old enough to appreciate it. I'm really glad they did. Now that I'm older and I can appreciate the guitar, I really want to learn how to play. The only thing I need to do is refurbish the guitar.
I started my party planning business a couple months ago. I've done a couple parties, but with it being just a small time business it will be a rocky start. The idea first came to me when I was watching a T.V show. When I first came up with the idea, it was just for fun. But I've always wanted to make people happy and what a better way then making a day that they'll always remember? I know that it'll be a rough start, but I'm up for the challenge.
Since I have a love for writing, I would love to write books. When we lived in North Carolina, my best friend and I before I left we sat down and came up with an idea for a book. It was supposed to be about a girl that lived on a remote island when this boy on a plane got into a crash and ended up on the same island. When we moved, I didn't focus on it. Now that I have the time, i'm slowly but surely riding it. It'll take some time though.
When I was a little girl, my mom always used to sit in the chair when she would watch her soaps and quilt. I was always fascinated at how a normal piece of fabric can turn into a beautiful quilt. I made a little blanket one time for my baby dolls when I was younger. My mom made me 2 quilts that I still have and will always keep dear to my heart. Before I was born, she made me a Minnie Mouse blanket. I used to drag it around the house and it would go everywhere with me. Now that I'm grown, before I left the house my mom made me a queen sized blanket. The pattern has lighthouses, and seas on the top. It took her four years to make, I keep it very special to my heart.
The reason I want to start making blankets is because it would be a hobby. I'd make different types of blankets, and it would be for friends or family. But overall, I would really love to make blankets and sell some of them, we will see where that goes.
People all have interests and hobbies that they love. It can be about anything, or everything. These are mine, and I would love to see what the next year brings me.
My first hobby is of course writing for my blog. Yes, I started it this year with the full intent to pay most of my attention at making good topics that will gain interest in the people of the society. I started out strong at the beginning of the year, and then it seemed that I got to involved in life. Now that it's the end of the year, I'm slowly but surely getting back to writing pieces. When I start a piece, I try to think about something that will interest not just me but my readers. For some time, I couldn't think of anything to write. Or I would start a piece and then not end up finishing it. But hopefully, next year it will be different. More experiences, and more interesting times will come next year.
My interest of playing the guitar has been with me for a couple years. My grandma had a very beautiful guitar that she loved dearly. When she passed, she gave it to me. My parents wanted to keep it safe and so they put it in a safe place ans told me to wait til I was old enough to appreciate it. I'm really glad they did. Now that I'm older and I can appreciate the guitar, I really want to learn how to play. The only thing I need to do is refurbish the guitar.
I started my party planning business a couple months ago. I've done a couple parties, but with it being just a small time business it will be a rocky start. The idea first came to me when I was watching a T.V show. When I first came up with the idea, it was just for fun. But I've always wanted to make people happy and what a better way then making a day that they'll always remember? I know that it'll be a rough start, but I'm up for the challenge.
Since I have a love for writing, I would love to write books. When we lived in North Carolina, my best friend and I before I left we sat down and came up with an idea for a book. It was supposed to be about a girl that lived on a remote island when this boy on a plane got into a crash and ended up on the same island. When we moved, I didn't focus on it. Now that I have the time, i'm slowly but surely riding it. It'll take some time though.
When I was a little girl, my mom always used to sit in the chair when she would watch her soaps and quilt. I was always fascinated at how a normal piece of fabric can turn into a beautiful quilt. I made a little blanket one time for my baby dolls when I was younger. My mom made me 2 quilts that I still have and will always keep dear to my heart. Before I was born, she made me a Minnie Mouse blanket. I used to drag it around the house and it would go everywhere with me. Now that I'm grown, before I left the house my mom made me a queen sized blanket. The pattern has lighthouses, and seas on the top. It took her four years to make, I keep it very special to my heart.
The reason I want to start making blankets is because it would be a hobby. I'd make different types of blankets, and it would be for friends or family. But overall, I would really love to make blankets and sell some of them, we will see where that goes.
People all have interests and hobbies that they love. It can be about anything, or everything. These are mine, and I would love to see what the next year brings me.
Friday, December 27, 2013
The One For Me
I always told myself that I was going to live alone. Especially in High School walking through the hallways and wondering if you could ever be as happy as all the couples. Let me just say, Valentines Day was always the worst especially if you were single. Seeing all the couples walk around with big teddy bears, candy, and flowers. Maybe that's why High School wasn't the best..!
Movies was kind of my romantic get a away from life. I'd watch any chick flick that interested me. Some were good, and others were typical. Boy meets girl, controversy happens, and the guy finally gets the girl. Typical right? I wished I was in movies sometimes in the situation the girl was in. I thought that if I changed myself that guys would realize me, and I'd find someone who loved me.
Except life doesn't always work out that way. I went through high school and mostly kept to myself. Didn't really date anyone except one guy who really made me regret the thought. I met him in my Sophomore year of high school, he was a junior. When I highlighted my hair and thought that it made a change in my appearance. He was in NJROTC with me, and I felt like maybe I had a chance with him.
I asked him, and he told me yes. We hung out sometimes, and watched movies. He met my parents and it felt like it was going great. We would text all the time, and he'd make me feel great. I finally had someone I could hold hands with in the hallways, and even eat lunch with. To bad it didn't end like the fairy tales always do.
One day, it seemed he changed. He was more angry and rude. Seems like his ex was getting jealous of what him and I were doing and he decided days before Prom to break up with me. Heart broken, I told myself that day that I would be single.
Junior and Senior passed by with a flash. I was more worried about my studies those years. For me, obviously I didn't really seem like the "type". What I mean by "type"- is basically, in high school it seemed like all the guys wanted hot, skinny chicks. Since I was none of those, I felt like the outcast. I think a lot of girls might know what I'm talking about.
As I prepared for graduation, I felt like finally when I moved out of my parent's house that I could change who I was, and get someone who actually understood me. It happened earlier than I thought.
I finally met him, it was senior year. His name is Zachary, and I love him so very much. We first met as friends. I was interested in his cousin at the time, but now that I look at it I made a very good choice. I'll explain..
When we first met I didn't really feel anything for him. He was just one of my friends that I hung out with at lunch, and wait for after school to give a hug. We would text all the time, and when I first started working at Safeway I would call him on my lunch breaks and we would chat for the 30 minutes I had.
On my days off, we would hang out and go play frisbee golf or go see a movie, and even go out to eat. Typical.. but sooner I started to want to spend all the time with him. Something was drawing me towards him. Maybe it was the fact that around him, I could be myself. Not put a mask on and act like who he wanted.
One night he came over and we talked for hours on end about different things that was bothering us. I felt like we connected. And after he left that night, I went to bed and wondered how it would be if we were dating. That next morning, I took the chance and sent him a text...
" I really feel like we connect together, would you like to be my boyfriend." - I sent him that, and waited for a reply. Knowing he was at work, I waited till it was time for his lunch. When he text me, He said yes. I felt amazing. Then I had to work, always great.
Since we've been together, its definitely been a bumpy road. But I wouldn't have it any other way. He's the one for me, and I feel like I am the one for him. We give each other hard times, and fight like kids sometimes.
But at the end of the day.. I lay right next to him. And cuddle with him and know that in my heart, this is true..
I Love You Zachary!
Happy 6 month anniversary!
Movies was kind of my romantic get a away from life. I'd watch any chick flick that interested me. Some were good, and others were typical. Boy meets girl, controversy happens, and the guy finally gets the girl. Typical right? I wished I was in movies sometimes in the situation the girl was in. I thought that if I changed myself that guys would realize me, and I'd find someone who loved me.
Except life doesn't always work out that way. I went through high school and mostly kept to myself. Didn't really date anyone except one guy who really made me regret the thought. I met him in my Sophomore year of high school, he was a junior. When I highlighted my hair and thought that it made a change in my appearance. He was in NJROTC with me, and I felt like maybe I had a chance with him.
I asked him, and he told me yes. We hung out sometimes, and watched movies. He met my parents and it felt like it was going great. We would text all the time, and he'd make me feel great. I finally had someone I could hold hands with in the hallways, and even eat lunch with. To bad it didn't end like the fairy tales always do.
One day, it seemed he changed. He was more angry and rude. Seems like his ex was getting jealous of what him and I were doing and he decided days before Prom to break up with me. Heart broken, I told myself that day that I would be single.
Junior and Senior passed by with a flash. I was more worried about my studies those years. For me, obviously I didn't really seem like the "type". What I mean by "type"- is basically, in high school it seemed like all the guys wanted hot, skinny chicks. Since I was none of those, I felt like the outcast. I think a lot of girls might know what I'm talking about.
As I prepared for graduation, I felt like finally when I moved out of my parent's house that I could change who I was, and get someone who actually understood me. It happened earlier than I thought.
I finally met him, it was senior year. His name is Zachary, and I love him so very much. We first met as friends. I was interested in his cousin at the time, but now that I look at it I made a very good choice. I'll explain..
When we first met I didn't really feel anything for him. He was just one of my friends that I hung out with at lunch, and wait for after school to give a hug. We would text all the time, and when I first started working at Safeway I would call him on my lunch breaks and we would chat for the 30 minutes I had.
On my days off, we would hang out and go play frisbee golf or go see a movie, and even go out to eat. Typical.. but sooner I started to want to spend all the time with him. Something was drawing me towards him. Maybe it was the fact that around him, I could be myself. Not put a mask on and act like who he wanted.
One night he came over and we talked for hours on end about different things that was bothering us. I felt like we connected. And after he left that night, I went to bed and wondered how it would be if we were dating. That next morning, I took the chance and sent him a text...
" I really feel like we connect together, would you like to be my boyfriend." - I sent him that, and waited for a reply. Knowing he was at work, I waited till it was time for his lunch. When he text me, He said yes. I felt amazing. Then I had to work, always great.
Since we've been together, its definitely been a bumpy road. But I wouldn't have it any other way. He's the one for me, and I feel like I am the one for him. We give each other hard times, and fight like kids sometimes.
But at the end of the day.. I lay right next to him. And cuddle with him and know that in my heart, this is true..
I Love You Zachary!
Happy 6 month anniversary!
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Minutes
Lately I've been doing some mental thinking. Every time it seems that my thoughts make me think of new things I can accomplish. That's what my life is about it's about making my life better than what it is right now. I didn't realize that till now. I've always lived my life one step at a time, instead of knowing what I needed to do. When I lived with my parents, I didn't have a worry in the world. I was still in high school and I was on top of the world. Met some friends that are still with me to this day. That's what my issue was when graduation came around, would my friends ever really remember me? Was I going to be alone again?
I can answer that question now and the answer is no. Yes, we have distance between us with College and Work. But for me, I feel very lucky to have my friends around me when they can. Girl time is always needed when it's been a while since I've seen them. Life is all about change and how you deal with it. This year, it really did change. Some for the best and some for the worst. But overall, I've really changed.
Before this year, I didn't really have a lot of self esteem in myself. I couldn't look at a guy without tripping, or make any friends that actually knew me for who I am. I was a loner basically, which is probably why I don't really want to focus on my high school career. Yes I did NJROTC and it was amazing. Making some friends in that class was good, and it helped me survive over the 3 years I was in the program.
Since graduation it has changed. I've moved in with my boyfriend and it's never been better. Yes we bicker and argue a couple times but that's what all people in relationships do. I don't really see my friends often but when I do I realize how important they are when i'm in my darkest times. Like my boyfriend I realize that he is an important part of my life. Since we've been dating, I've really got to learn more about life and different aspects.
My family is just as important to my story of life. Yes, they are far away now. But every now and then it's good to just at least be able to talk to them or skype them. I hope they know that I do love them. It's not goodbye just yet, I know that being in a different state as them is hard. Not really being able to see my mom did take it's toll on me. But I have to realize that she is in a good place with people that I trust, my dad and brother. Plenty of nights when Zach is asleep next to me, I look up at the ceiling and all I can think about is my mom. She's my best friend and she always will be, fight or not. I love her.
Minutes go by in my life and I can't help but smile because this is who I am. Yes this year has changed me, but it's also made me a better person. I have no more regrets about anything i've done or haven't done. I look forward to the future and I know that i'm okay. No more worrying about mistakes I've done in the past.
It's time for now....
I can answer that question now and the answer is no. Yes, we have distance between us with College and Work. But for me, I feel very lucky to have my friends around me when they can. Girl time is always needed when it's been a while since I've seen them. Life is all about change and how you deal with it. This year, it really did change. Some for the best and some for the worst. But overall, I've really changed.
Before this year, I didn't really have a lot of self esteem in myself. I couldn't look at a guy without tripping, or make any friends that actually knew me for who I am. I was a loner basically, which is probably why I don't really want to focus on my high school career. Yes I did NJROTC and it was amazing. Making some friends in that class was good, and it helped me survive over the 3 years I was in the program.
Since graduation it has changed. I've moved in with my boyfriend and it's never been better. Yes we bicker and argue a couple times but that's what all people in relationships do. I don't really see my friends often but when I do I realize how important they are when i'm in my darkest times. Like my boyfriend I realize that he is an important part of my life. Since we've been dating, I've really got to learn more about life and different aspects.
My family is just as important to my story of life. Yes, they are far away now. But every now and then it's good to just at least be able to talk to them or skype them. I hope they know that I do love them. It's not goodbye just yet, I know that being in a different state as them is hard. Not really being able to see my mom did take it's toll on me. But I have to realize that she is in a good place with people that I trust, my dad and brother. Plenty of nights when Zach is asleep next to me, I look up at the ceiling and all I can think about is my mom. She's my best friend and she always will be, fight or not. I love her.
Minutes go by in my life and I can't help but smile because this is who I am. Yes this year has changed me, but it's also made me a better person. I have no more regrets about anything i've done or haven't done. I look forward to the future and I know that i'm okay. No more worrying about mistakes I've done in the past.
It's time for now....
Thursday, December 12, 2013
The Year 2013, It's Ups and Downs...
Yes, the year is almost to an end. Ups and downs have turned out in this 2013 Year. Starting this year I thought that I would make a lot of changes to myself and I would be happy. I didn't really do anything that was on my New Year's Resolution List. But when do we ever accomplish anything set out on our lists?
Friends come and go, crushes turn out to be a bust, heartbreak, and family always will be there for you. Bumpy roads come along, family passes away, turmoil within your family changes a lot, moving out of your parents, emergency room visits, etc. Anything and everything can happen in life.
My year hasn't been exactly what I wanted it to be, but it has changed me and my aspect on a couple things. Which I believe has made me a better and stronger person.
Starting out this year, I was still shy and nervous about talking to people I didn't know, typical right? Still in school and didn't think that I was going to accomplish anything. Well I was wrong..
I accomplished quite a lot this year. Graduating High School, moving out of my parents, living in a place of my own, getting my first job, finding my sweetheart, and finally becoming myself.
I used to look at my past and think that I would never get anywhere, I would be who everyone else wanted me to be. But this year I've been taught by some pretty special people that it's not all about the negativity, more about the future and how I can succeed at anything if I put my mind to it. This is the year that changed me, for the best.
Yes there was heartbreak this year. My grandfather passed away, and it hurt me more than anything. Moving out of my parents without letting them know, and losing my job.
This year has been the changing point of my life. I can't wait to see what 2014 brings to me, but i'm ready for it to come and find out who I want to become!
Friends come and go, crushes turn out to be a bust, heartbreak, and family always will be there for you. Bumpy roads come along, family passes away, turmoil within your family changes a lot, moving out of your parents, emergency room visits, etc. Anything and everything can happen in life.
My year hasn't been exactly what I wanted it to be, but it has changed me and my aspect on a couple things. Which I believe has made me a better and stronger person.
Starting out this year, I was still shy and nervous about talking to people I didn't know, typical right? Still in school and didn't think that I was going to accomplish anything. Well I was wrong..
I accomplished quite a lot this year. Graduating High School, moving out of my parents, living in a place of my own, getting my first job, finding my sweetheart, and finally becoming myself.
I used to look at my past and think that I would never get anywhere, I would be who everyone else wanted me to be. But this year I've been taught by some pretty special people that it's not all about the negativity, more about the future and how I can succeed at anything if I put my mind to it. This is the year that changed me, for the best.
Yes there was heartbreak this year. My grandfather passed away, and it hurt me more than anything. Moving out of my parents without letting them know, and losing my job.
This year has been the changing point of my life. I can't wait to see what 2014 brings to me, but i'm ready for it to come and find out who I want to become!
Monday, December 9, 2013
It's A Force of Habit..
For quite some time I've been able to create habits that to me are familiar, but to others it seems weird. Since a little girl I've always seen myself as the girl who is always organized and feels great about my accomplishments. I have plenty of habits that I believe have helped me and will always be in my mind.
My first habit started when I was 16 I believe, I always saw my mom writing her list of important things to accomplish for the next day. I always thought that it was the coolest thing because you knew what you were supposed to do with your life. Funny huh? I talked to my mom about it and told her I wanted to do it, so she let me. I started it out and at first, I was so obsessed with accomplishing everything on my list that I would make it very detailed. Every time I would cross off something I would smile and be happy because I knew that day wasn't going to waste.
I still do my lists to this day. I'm not so obsessed with it now, but I make sure that I at least accomplish a couple of my goals. Making a list has really helped me with a lot of my plans throughout the day. I feel accomplished and knowing that I can make everyday count is the best.
Another habit of mine is keeping a lot of notebooks around the house. It's not hoarding, I promise. I keep notebooks around the house because for me, if I have an idea I want to write it down before I forget it. Since I want to become a writer, I have a notebook just for my writings. It's amazing how I love to write! I got it from my mom, she taught me to express myself and I love to do it in my writings.
I have journal after journal of writing about anything and everything. Since my mom first handed me my first journal with Winnie the Pooh, I've been writing about my life, goals, habits, mysteries about life, etc. I have a pile of journals, all for when I have children so they can read about my life and understand what it was like.
Habits are good and bad, but it depends on your outlook on the habit. You will live your life dealing with habits everyday. Habits make us who we are, they create our personality, they are a part of our life.
My first habit started when I was 16 I believe, I always saw my mom writing her list of important things to accomplish for the next day. I always thought that it was the coolest thing because you knew what you were supposed to do with your life. Funny huh? I talked to my mom about it and told her I wanted to do it, so she let me. I started it out and at first, I was so obsessed with accomplishing everything on my list that I would make it very detailed. Every time I would cross off something I would smile and be happy because I knew that day wasn't going to waste.
I still do my lists to this day. I'm not so obsessed with it now, but I make sure that I at least accomplish a couple of my goals. Making a list has really helped me with a lot of my plans throughout the day. I feel accomplished and knowing that I can make everyday count is the best.
Another habit of mine is keeping a lot of notebooks around the house. It's not hoarding, I promise. I keep notebooks around the house because for me, if I have an idea I want to write it down before I forget it. Since I want to become a writer, I have a notebook just for my writings. It's amazing how I love to write! I got it from my mom, she taught me to express myself and I love to do it in my writings.
I have journal after journal of writing about anything and everything. Since my mom first handed me my first journal with Winnie the Pooh, I've been writing about my life, goals, habits, mysteries about life, etc. I have a pile of journals, all for when I have children so they can read about my life and understand what it was like.
Habits are good and bad, but it depends on your outlook on the habit. You will live your life dealing with habits everyday. Habits make us who we are, they create our personality, they are a part of our life.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
On The Same Page
Zach and I have been together for 6 months, and it's been an interesting relationship to say the least. When we first met, we were friends and it didn't seem like we were going anywhere. He was to involved with another friend of ours and I was to involved with someone else. It didn't start to click until near graduation when we would hang out all the time. We would hang out all the time, hang out and play Frisbee Golf, texting from morning til night, and coming over for dinner sometimes.
When we first started dating, it wasn't the best starting out. We both had our moments and sometime's I thought it wouldn't work out. Yet, it seemed like whenever I needed him he was always there for me. Comforting me when my family situation ended up changing forever. We were rebels, we didn't really listen to anyone about how stupid it was that we were together.
When Zach and I first moved in together, we had very different opinions of everything. At first it felt like I was in charge of all the household items like cleaning, cooking, working, and laundry. It was hard when he'd come home from work and make a mess and I had spent all the time cleaning. Yes, it did make me angry and it took a toll on our relationship.
After sitting down and talking about it, we get along better together. Since we're two different people we have a difference of everything I thought it would be best if we sat down and made a list of things that are issues. After sitting down, and thinking about everything we came up with a solution.
I haven't been this happy in a long time. For the first time, there is someone who understand me and doesn't judge me, that much. I wouldn't change anything I've done to be with him. I've found my soul mate, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
When we first started dating, it wasn't the best starting out. We both had our moments and sometime's I thought it wouldn't work out. Yet, it seemed like whenever I needed him he was always there for me. Comforting me when my family situation ended up changing forever. We were rebels, we didn't really listen to anyone about how stupid it was that we were together.
When Zach and I first moved in together, we had very different opinions of everything. At first it felt like I was in charge of all the household items like cleaning, cooking, working, and laundry. It was hard when he'd come home from work and make a mess and I had spent all the time cleaning. Yes, it did make me angry and it took a toll on our relationship.
After sitting down and talking about it, we get along better together. Since we're two different people we have a difference of everything I thought it would be best if we sat down and made a list of things that are issues. After sitting down, and thinking about everything we came up with a solution.
I haven't been this happy in a long time. For the first time, there is someone who understand me and doesn't judge me, that much. I wouldn't change anything I've done to be with him. I've found my soul mate, and I want to be with him for the rest of my life.
Friday, December 6, 2013
This Will Always Be On My Mind
Yesterday's piece made me really think a lot about my decisions and choices and where I am right now. Last night I read my piece to my boyfriend and he listened and then asked me "Why I can't let go of the past?" Well here's my explanation..
If it wasn't for the choices I made, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing this. Honestly, I don't now where I would be actually. Yes there was decisions made that I won't be able to take back and people that I will have a different relationship with, but everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for that summer, I would probably still have arguments with my parents about not living to my fullest, wouldn't have began dating my soul mate, would have stuck in my room and kept myself there unless it was for work or anything else. I would have been a graduating hermit still living with her parents and not making a name for myself.
I feel like I can breathe and not have so many judgments put against me. I can be anything I want to be, do anything I want to and feel accomplished. Freedom, something I've always wanted.
Just when I think everything's okay, something in the back of my mind changes my whole outlook, and once again I become exactly who I was before. Someone in my life that has always been there for me, isn't anymore. I hope she's reading this too..
My mother has always been there for me. Helping me with homework, or a serious issue that I think is an issue yet, it isn't. My best friend, my mom, my role model. Even though I feel like the decisions I made were for the best, some not so great but it was in the moment thinking, it has ruined our relationship more than I wanted it to.
I've never been good at decision making, but when I make a decision I really think about the rewards and consequences of my choice. Unfortunately, I didn't really think about this one. My mom and I talk occasionally now, simply because of some decisions I've made. She knows what I'm talking about, I just want to tell you mom that any decisions I make aren't to go against you or basically tell you to go f*** off. It's the decision I chose because sometimes I feel alone, I have a bunch of people around me, yet I feel alone.
With distance and time against me, I don't feel like we're close anymore. Yet, have we always been that close? We tell each other we are, but for a long time it's just been words, no actions. I love you mom I always will. You gave birth to me, fed me, dealt with my temper tantrums, etc. No amount of hatred or anger can cloud the fact that you will always be my mom. Yes, some of the arguments we have are in fact silly. But as you told me, we need a break.
I'll admit, it made me really sad when we had out last phone call. For some reason, you think i'm trying to replace you, yet i'm not. If you could be here I would never want to leave your side. No family member has tried to contact me and it makes me feel as though they didn't care to begin with. That's not what I want. I've always wished that our family could get along, quit the fighting, and show love. Yet, nothing goes the way I'd like.
You wonder why I always want to be around Zac's family, because they are exactly how I wanted my family to be. They made me a part of their family, I feel like I can be myself around them, not walk on egg shells when we had a family event like Christmas Dinner at grans. I just wish all the fighting would leave.
This isn't against you mom, i'm crying right now writing this because it's been on my mind for so long. I just never knew how to word it. I don't want to keep fighting with you mom, I need you more than you think. My days mostly are just me, thinking and contemplating. I wish you could understand my pain mom.. It grows more and more every time I think of you and dad and Jonathan.
When will our family become one again?
My wish is that you accept me and some of the decisions I've made and know that i'm okay. I want you to accept Zach and know that he's helping me in my worst hours. I just want you to be happy with me mom.... I want you to accept me for who I am..
This may be asking for to much, but as least you know how I truly feel right now. I love you mom! But right now, I feel like anything I do or say will be against what you think and that's not what I want. So I hope you read this.. and know that I'll always love you. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I do. After all, I am your Song Bird. So here's my song I sing for you mom.
If it wasn't for the choices I made, I wouldn't be sitting here right now writing this. Honestly, I don't now where I would be actually. Yes there was decisions made that I won't be able to take back and people that I will have a different relationship with, but everything happens for a reason.
If it wasn't for that summer, I would probably still have arguments with my parents about not living to my fullest, wouldn't have began dating my soul mate, would have stuck in my room and kept myself there unless it was for work or anything else. I would have been a graduating hermit still living with her parents and not making a name for myself.
I feel like I can breathe and not have so many judgments put against me. I can be anything I want to be, do anything I want to and feel accomplished. Freedom, something I've always wanted.
Just when I think everything's okay, something in the back of my mind changes my whole outlook, and once again I become exactly who I was before. Someone in my life that has always been there for me, isn't anymore. I hope she's reading this too..
My mother has always been there for me. Helping me with homework, or a serious issue that I think is an issue yet, it isn't. My best friend, my mom, my role model. Even though I feel like the decisions I made were for the best, some not so great but it was in the moment thinking, it has ruined our relationship more than I wanted it to.
I've never been good at decision making, but when I make a decision I really think about the rewards and consequences of my choice. Unfortunately, I didn't really think about this one. My mom and I talk occasionally now, simply because of some decisions I've made. She knows what I'm talking about, I just want to tell you mom that any decisions I make aren't to go against you or basically tell you to go f*** off. It's the decision I chose because sometimes I feel alone, I have a bunch of people around me, yet I feel alone.
With distance and time against me, I don't feel like we're close anymore. Yet, have we always been that close? We tell each other we are, but for a long time it's just been words, no actions. I love you mom I always will. You gave birth to me, fed me, dealt with my temper tantrums, etc. No amount of hatred or anger can cloud the fact that you will always be my mom. Yes, some of the arguments we have are in fact silly. But as you told me, we need a break.
I'll admit, it made me really sad when we had out last phone call. For some reason, you think i'm trying to replace you, yet i'm not. If you could be here I would never want to leave your side. No family member has tried to contact me and it makes me feel as though they didn't care to begin with. That's not what I want. I've always wished that our family could get along, quit the fighting, and show love. Yet, nothing goes the way I'd like.
You wonder why I always want to be around Zac's family, because they are exactly how I wanted my family to be. They made me a part of their family, I feel like I can be myself around them, not walk on egg shells when we had a family event like Christmas Dinner at grans. I just wish all the fighting would leave.
This isn't against you mom, i'm crying right now writing this because it's been on my mind for so long. I just never knew how to word it. I don't want to keep fighting with you mom, I need you more than you think. My days mostly are just me, thinking and contemplating. I wish you could understand my pain mom.. It grows more and more every time I think of you and dad and Jonathan.
When will our family become one again?
My wish is that you accept me and some of the decisions I've made and know that i'm okay. I want you to accept Zach and know that he's helping me in my worst hours. I just want you to be happy with me mom.... I want you to accept me for who I am..
This may be asking for to much, but as least you know how I truly feel right now. I love you mom! But right now, I feel like anything I do or say will be against what you think and that's not what I want. So I hope you read this.. and know that I'll always love you. Even if it doesn't seem like it, I do. After all, I am your Song Bird. So here's my song I sing for you mom.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
Lost and Found
Most of my life, I've thought that I found out who I was. I knew exactly what I was meant to do in life, the people I was supposed to have in my life for a long time, etc. This is where I found out that instead of finding myself, I'm lost.
Yes, I've moved out of my parents house right after graduation and yet I found myself in someone else's home. With rules and regulations similar to my parents, yet not so much. My decisions during this time were clouded by the fact that I'm not the type to make my own decisions without second guessing myself. I had help.
For me, I've been the one to be so shy I won't look at you unless you call my name and even then I will look away and not say anything. Let's just say High School wasn't the best place for me, not until senior year of course. I was always quiet, didn't talk unless spoken to, kept to myself and tried to be organized. I stayed to myself and wrote and kept writing til my hands would hurt sometimes. I expressed myself in my writings. Senior year I took a creative writing class and it made me really think about myself. Could I be creative?
During this class, I meant a guy that actually listened to me and didn't judge me. I grew to like this guy, so I tried to talk to him all the time. Typical girl right? I tried to change my tom boyish stance into a girly girl and I thought that maybe he would like me better. I started listening to the music he did, a bunch of other things as well. I'd eat lunch at the same table he did, and talk to his friends and get along with them. I was love struck.. It didn't end the way I wanted.
Over the few weeks, he started turning into his true self, and I couldn't understand what I did wrong. He'd come over to my house and we'd hang out and i'd enjoy it and wouldn't want him to leave. Then he finally came out and told me his intentions. Crying and trying to understand where I was at that time, I came to an understanding of our friendship. So I moved on..
Another guy came into my life and changed it for the best. Still at my parent's place we would text all the time and i'd always want to hang out with him, he introduced me to Frisbee Golf and a bunch of other things. I finally felt like my life was going to change for the best. Eventually, I felt like him and I could have a chance, so I took the opporunity and knew it was for the best. The more time we spent, the more time I felt like I could finally be who I wanted to be. Not who I was pushed to be.
As the time went on, my mind couldn't leave the fact that I still had feelings for the first guy. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Nothing I tried was working, ignoring him, talking to him to tell him my true feelings, nothing. For some time I thought that my decision wasn't the best one. It stayed like that for quite some time, until a couple months ago. He turned out to be exactly who my heart had told me he was. Pushing him to the side, I focused on my relationship and a couple of other situations I was in.
Moving out of my parents I felt like I was making the right decision at the time, yet after I saw my room empty, I felt like I should have put it all back and stayed there. Decisions I made, affected a lot of relationships. My relationship with my mom, yes it was rocky in the beginning when I started turning into a teenager and i'd get angry easily at every little thing. Every teenage has their moments of course..
I wasn't turning out to be who my parent's thought I should be, and for some time it turned into argument after another. I'll admit sometimes I was wondering if my family really accepted me for who I was. A girl who liked makeup, straightening my hair, wearing clothes that expressed me, and hanging out with my friends. I wasn't any of that until senior year. Before, I was the girl who always had her hair up, never wanted to go outside or make friends, never wanted to do anything except stay on my laptop all day. I was lost..
It wasn't until I graduated and had friends that wanted to hang out with me, makeup that enhanced my face and wore clothes that I liked and made me feel new. I was found, and I felt amazing. Yet, I still had issues that I couldn't understand to anyone that would want to listen.
With the days continuing to go faster and faster, I wasted a lot of the time I could have been spending getting my life together. My mind is a chaotic mess right now, with so many thoughts I can't began to think of where to start. My life, a chaotic mess yet i'm slowly getting it together. It seems, like every time I get closer and closer, something or someone get's in the way and I end up right where I began...
Will it ever become what I want it to be?
Yes, I've moved out of my parents house right after graduation and yet I found myself in someone else's home. With rules and regulations similar to my parents, yet not so much. My decisions during this time were clouded by the fact that I'm not the type to make my own decisions without second guessing myself. I had help.
For me, I've been the one to be so shy I won't look at you unless you call my name and even then I will look away and not say anything. Let's just say High School wasn't the best place for me, not until senior year of course. I was always quiet, didn't talk unless spoken to, kept to myself and tried to be organized. I stayed to myself and wrote and kept writing til my hands would hurt sometimes. I expressed myself in my writings. Senior year I took a creative writing class and it made me really think about myself. Could I be creative?
During this class, I meant a guy that actually listened to me and didn't judge me. I grew to like this guy, so I tried to talk to him all the time. Typical girl right? I tried to change my tom boyish stance into a girly girl and I thought that maybe he would like me better. I started listening to the music he did, a bunch of other things as well. I'd eat lunch at the same table he did, and talk to his friends and get along with them. I was love struck.. It didn't end the way I wanted.
Over the few weeks, he started turning into his true self, and I couldn't understand what I did wrong. He'd come over to my house and we'd hang out and i'd enjoy it and wouldn't want him to leave. Then he finally came out and told me his intentions. Crying and trying to understand where I was at that time, I came to an understanding of our friendship. So I moved on..
Another guy came into my life and changed it for the best. Still at my parent's place we would text all the time and i'd always want to hang out with him, he introduced me to Frisbee Golf and a bunch of other things. I finally felt like my life was going to change for the best. Eventually, I felt like him and I could have a chance, so I took the opporunity and knew it was for the best. The more time we spent, the more time I felt like I could finally be who I wanted to be. Not who I was pushed to be.
As the time went on, my mind couldn't leave the fact that I still had feelings for the first guy. I couldn't get him out of my mind. Nothing I tried was working, ignoring him, talking to him to tell him my true feelings, nothing. For some time I thought that my decision wasn't the best one. It stayed like that for quite some time, until a couple months ago. He turned out to be exactly who my heart had told me he was. Pushing him to the side, I focused on my relationship and a couple of other situations I was in.
Moving out of my parents I felt like I was making the right decision at the time, yet after I saw my room empty, I felt like I should have put it all back and stayed there. Decisions I made, affected a lot of relationships. My relationship with my mom, yes it was rocky in the beginning when I started turning into a teenager and i'd get angry easily at every little thing. Every teenage has their moments of course..
I wasn't turning out to be who my parent's thought I should be, and for some time it turned into argument after another. I'll admit sometimes I was wondering if my family really accepted me for who I was. A girl who liked makeup, straightening my hair, wearing clothes that expressed me, and hanging out with my friends. I wasn't any of that until senior year. Before, I was the girl who always had her hair up, never wanted to go outside or make friends, never wanted to do anything except stay on my laptop all day. I was lost..
It wasn't until I graduated and had friends that wanted to hang out with me, makeup that enhanced my face and wore clothes that I liked and made me feel new. I was found, and I felt amazing. Yet, I still had issues that I couldn't understand to anyone that would want to listen.
With the days continuing to go faster and faster, I wasted a lot of the time I could have been spending getting my life together. My mind is a chaotic mess right now, with so many thoughts I can't began to think of where to start. My life, a chaotic mess yet i'm slowly getting it together. It seems, like every time I get closer and closer, something or someone get's in the way and I end up right where I began...
Will it ever become what I want it to be?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)