Sharing

     When Zach and I first moved in together it was an exciting event in my life. I posted it on Facebook, Twitter, and sent text to all my friends. It was something I could brag about. We were newly out of High School, we just started dating and so we decided that we were going to move in together. We are sharing most things now. But I've never really been good with sharing a great many things. I'm learning now though that when you love someone enough, you will share the things that most mean something to you. We share thoughts, memories, material items, and overall ourselves.

     Sharing my things has always been a pet peeve. I can't really share with anyone because it's "MY" thing. That's the downfall that my brother and I shared. We didn't really want one another to touch our toy or anything else because it was his or it was mine we were typical kids thought growing up. That pet peeve has grown with me, but it isn't about toys anymore. A couple days ago I realized I am horrible when it comes to sharing a bed. My parent's got me a Queen Sized bed a couple years ago and so I've grown accustom to it just being me in this large bed. I would sprawl out and just fall asleep like a baby. But now that Zach and I moved in together, we share a bed. I'll admit sometimes it's hard. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, and find myself dangling off the edge of the bed. Even with my blankets its hard to find a compromise sometimes. I'll wake up and be cold to the point of no return, and Zach and I will have arguments about it. Stupid ones but we're still newly into this dating thing. 

     I guess, it's time for me to get out of the mode of single, and into the mode of dating and sharing. I love him more than he knows, he's my first real relationship. So I have to learn to share. It's a new experience and I'm looking forward to it!

Sunrise and Sunset

     Being born in Colorado, you get a certain happiness when you live here and you can call this your hometown. As a little girl, I don't remember a whole lot that happened. I do remember when we moved to Alabama to help my Aunt. It was for a brief month or so, and then we moved again. This time it was to Georgia. I didn't like living there like I did when we lived in Colorado. So we decided to move  back to Colorado.

     I went to school and was content with myself. The house we lived in was adventurous and there were many times I would get in trouble because being the "adventurous" type came with consequences when you broke things, like plugging the toilet with action figures because you wanted them to swim. Yep I was a handful back then and even to today. I never wanted to leave Colorado because of a great many things but the number one was I felt like myself here.

     Since I was only a little girl I didn't have a lot of say in the matter of moving. So the one time my parent's asked if we wanted to move, I said yes. I don't really know why I said yes. But now that I think of it, it was in everyone's best interest at the time to move and explore the world. Yes, I would miss Colorado more than anyone knew but it was adventure time.

     We moved back to Georgia at the time because it offered a great career for my dad and he loved his architecture. So I start going to school there and it didn't seem that great. I made a couple friends there and it started turning better for me. I also got into a lot of trouble at school. Remember the couple friend's I said I had, turns out they weren't the right choice for me to hang out. I got into verbal fights with them, and gossiped about them to everyone I knew. A decision I regret but had a major learning experience from.

     Living in Georgia almost made me a permanent resident of Foster Care. I remember getting a rowing machine for working out downstairs. As usual, the know it all didn't want to wear shoes when operating the machinery. To my surprise, I got a big cut on my foot that really hurt and one day I used it in the worst way. One day on the bus I decided because my brother and I were having a big fight to tell my friends that my little brother cut me on my foot with a knife. A smart decision in my little brain, a tramautic outcome. I went around all day telling people that it happened, yet I didn't realize that it would come back to bite me in my butt.

     It took the principal, and even my parents telling me that there was a Foster Care Van sitting outside our door to realize that the "bad life" wasn't for me. That's also when my relationship with my brother started to dwindle. After that it seemed like I was in need of another thing to preoccupy my time. So we moved, to North Carolina.

     Moving again wasn't all happiness and joy like what some people tell you in the movies. I felt like when we moved, I left a little piece of me there. But we packed up and moved on.


    The start of moving into our new home was actually exciting. I got a room to myself with a large window! I was actually previewing what my room was going to look like. There would be a picture here, a picture there. I wanted my room to be yellow, a bright color as to a dark color. I wanted positive, bright in my life. We had Scooby, so it was fun! The first day of school was scary, but it always is for the new kids. I grew to love North Carolina. I met friends that meant something to me. I met my best friend there, and we hung out and loved to watch movies and read the same book series. Life was good. But it's like whenever my life starts getting good, something bad has to happen.


     We had to move again, but this time we moved to Iowa and lived with my grandpa. For some reason, this move really took it's toll on me. First, I lost my best friend and believed that we would talk anymore because I wasn't there and she had things that were more important. We still talk to this day but not as much. Which is okay, since we both have seperate lives. Then, I lost Scooby. The traumatic part was when we took her to the no kill shelter and I saw her for the last time. I didn't let those leave my thoughts, which I should have done because instead I took it out on my parent's and myself. I sat upstairs most of the time and wrote in my journal, and looked into the window and wished I still lived in North Carolina.

     Then after what seemed like years, we moved again and this time it was back to Colorado. We lived with my grandma and life didn't feel the same. I didn't let the stuff from the past go, I let it eat at me. It has overall really affected my life in ways that I didn't think would happen. But I let it happen, so anything that has made me who I am today is because I didn't make the stand to chose better for myself.

     Now I permanent live in Colorado with my boyfriend. I wake up every morning to the mountains and the sun trying blind us from the curtains. If I said I wanted to change everything yes there are some circumstances that would make me want to change a great many things, but not where I am right now. I get this feeling, of happiness and joy when I can wake up in a place I love with someone right next to me. I get to watch the mountains everyday when I'm driving, or sitting and can't think. The mountain's symbolism something to me. I haven't found out what yet, but when  I do. I think it'll change me again, into the person I'm supposed to be. 

Living With A Crutch

     I've lived my life worrying about what everyone thinks about me. Self approval from others seems to be a main thing in my life. I've let it control me, and it's become a monster. It started when I was in middle school and continued to take over my life. I would come home from school and tell my mom about my horrible day. Even thought it wasn't horrible, in my mind it was because someone made fun of my clothes or my hair and I couldn't take it. 

     In High School, I started the end of my freshman year in Colorado. At the same school my mom graduated from.I decided to fit in, I would highlight my hair days before I had to start. The fateful day came and I went to school. I remember the many looks from different strangers as to my weird hair. High school wasn't the best years for me. I kept my head down, joined NJROTC because  I didn't think I could do any better. Going from year to year until Senior Year when I was finally able to drive myself to school, and choose the clothes I was going to wear. 

      The biggest thing that really made me depressed was when people would pick on me because of my weight. I've struggled with this since we moved to Iowa, when I thought I couldn't live anymore because we moved from the one place that I finally felt like I could be accepted. So to react to this sudden change I let food become the number one priority. A stupid decision on my part, but it was the only thing that I thought could help me. Looking at it now, I really could have done better with that time. Instead of dwelling on the past I could have been planning my future. Making my life easier and my parent's too. Decisions, are the hardest thing to make when you don't really feel so great about yourself.

       I've let words that others have said affect my outlook on myself. My self esteem isn't the best right now, it's because I've let myself get to this point. I didn't do anything to change it, except keep listening to it. But in my quest to become the real me, I have chose not to let what others say get to me, there just words that can't hurt me. 

Biggest Fear

     We all have fears that keep us from really living life. In some of the people that I interact with, I see what makes them fear doing something that they might want to do but are afraid of. I have a lot of fears, and sometimes I let them take control of me. It's in my nature, to be afraid.

     As a little girl, normal things that would scare me are scary movies, and monsters under my bed. But in all reality I was afraid when we would move from one place to another. That first night in the new place was always the worst. The creaks, and noises coming from the house would keep me up most of the night. It took a lot for me to sleep in the new houses we lived in.

     I remember when we lived in North Carolina, it was our first night at the new house. I couldn't fall asleep because my room was the one with the biggest window. There was a blind to cover the outside world from the little girl huddled in her bed. The crickets were chirping extra loud, and I wasn't used to it. I tossed and turned most of that night. For some reason, I remember getting a CD from the library that made me cry so much. It was the BeeGees, and it was a sad song. I replayed it so many times and began to think about my mom. For some reason, I had a feeling that I was going to lose her. I couldn't explain it at that time but it made me cry for some months. I never told my mom this because I didn't want her to worry. But for some months, I changed my whole outlook on a great many things. I sat in my room and stared outside, and didn't hang out with my family as much as what I used to.

     To this day I still worry about my family. Now that there is a distance between us I can not see them as much as what I was so used to. The fear of losing them is the biggest one in my heart even with the fights and moments we don't talk.


     I many fears, but I've let them take over me for so long that I haven't been able to live my life. It's time I take a stand and do the things that most make me worry or ave fears, its called living life.

The Real Me

     It's been a while since I've really been able to think about myself. Who I really am, and what I'm capable of. I've really been living my life for who I am and what I believe in. I've been living in a fake body and mind. It's really come to hurt me mentally and also physically. It's taken me this long to really realize the extent of the damage.

     It started when I was younger, I thought I could be anything. My parents really did their best in trying to raise me to become who I wanted. I thought most of the things that they were doing wasn't really beneficial to me so I quit listening, and that's really affected me.

     I lived my life scared of everything. I never admitted it to my parents because I didn't want them to think little of me. I had no life ambition,  and all I wanted to do was be a kid. It was easy, I didn't have to worry about responsibility, no care in the world. When I started getting older, the responsibility wasn't something I thought I could handle. That's probably why I got into trouble most of the time.

     I never listened to my mom's advice, and I never thought to care either. Maybe that's why my mom and I can't get along. I miss her, more than she knows. There isn't a day that goes by that I can't stop thinking about my mom. In one of her pieces, she says " It doesn't come with a handbook nor the children with instructions." I read that piece and I started to think, I was the first born, and I realize how hard it was for my parents. I've grow to understand what she meant, and I feel horrible.


     I regret most of the things I've done in my life. But the number one thing I regret the most, is letting the relationship with my mom get so bad to where we don't even talk anymore. The hardest part for me, is knowing that she is so far away and I can't give her a hug when I really need to, like right now.

     When I was in High School, that's when it took a turn for the worst. I let go of my mother's advice and love for others opinions about me. I never let my mom get close to me because I thought I could do it! I didn't need her anymore, and I was so wrong. Last year was a hard year for her and I. I know that I can't really change anything that happened. But I'm hoping that I can learn from it and let go and live my life on.


     I am coming to the realization that life isn't going to always agree with me. It's going to give me bumps in the road and people coming in and out of my life. But that's the exciting part about life, how I am going to deal with it. I have to be true to myself, if nothing else. It wouldn't be me living my life, just someone saying they are me.
    

Not Enough Hours In The Day...

            Lately it seems like the day just goes by so fast. We fall into a “routine” of things that we do daily or weekly. Whatever it is, it makes our day go by faster. For me I used to have those days were it seems like the day will never end. Those days  when I was still in school, sitting in a classroom and writing notes. I would constantly keep looking at the clock to wonder when the class would be over and the school would let us out for the day.

           

            Now that I’m out of high school it seems like my days consists of waking up, taking care of a couple of things, and then going back to bed. Now that it is a new year, I’m trying to make the most of each of my days. No matter how small the goal or project for the day. I try to keep myself busy, I used to sit in a room and either listen to music and stare at the wall or I would sleep. I used to sleep a lot, and for some reason it seems like I can’t get enough of sleep.

           

            Remember as a kid, you would have nap times at the house or when you were in kindergarten you would have nap times as well. Growing up, I used to hate those. I felt like sometimes it was a punishment. I remember when I would go to bed; my mom would tell me to face the wall so that way I could close my eyes. I still to this day face the wall when I go to bed. Kinda weird, huh?

            The summer before my senior year of high school I used to sit in my room and stay on my computer all the time. It was like my getaway from life. I was always on Facebook. My parent’s used to call me the roommate because I would only come out for food, using the bathroom, or to hang out with my friends. It was horrible the way I was. But I’m learning now that I have my own place that I can do a bunch of things now.

            I cook, clean, do laundry, watch TV occasionally, quilt, read books, write this blog, write stories, etc. I try to stay busy and it helps me sometimes especially at night. When I feel so tired, I know it’s cause I stayed busy and I’ll have a good night’s sleep. It’s the best feeling in the world when you know you aren’t wasting a precious day of your life.

Electronics

            Being in a generation that revolves around electronics, it’s not sad to say that most of the things my generation grew up with will eventually disappear as many generations in the past may feel. I grew up reading books and going to the library. It was an adventure when my mom would take us, I could get any book I wanted and it felt amazing. Especially when you go up to the counter and check out the books, you get a sense of pride and independence, well at least for me I did.

            When I turned Sixteen, I got my first phone. I remember begging my parents to get me one because all the other kids had one so I had to have one as well. They told me that in time when I turned to the age of responsibility I could get my very own phone. Being a teen, it upset me when my friends would come and ask me if they could “text” me and I told them no. I think at that time I grew to resent my parents for some time. I regret it now, but I can’t change the past. I can only learn from it and grow on from my choices and decisions.

            As soon as I got that phone I immediately began to text my friends and tell them how cool I was. Typical teen, ridiculous.  I took care of that phone, it was my baby. I carried it everywhere. I was always on it. My parent’s first bill with my name on it was exciting yet scary. I remember my mom telling me that I had over one thousand texts in one month. What could I say, it was my obsession.

            The next electronic I got was my Ipod when I was seventeen. I took that everywhere I went as well. I put the songs I liked on it and listened to it whenever I could. I would fall asleep with it when I went to bed at night. By that time I was feeling pretty good about having a phone and an Ipod. But that didn’t stop me, I wanted more.

            My next electronic was this laptop. I remember my dad telling me I was going to get one. I was so excited! I stayed on it for the longest time. I could get on anytime and surf the internet. It was my new baby. I wasted most of my summer on my laptop.

            Now I’m obsessed with electronics, just ask my family and friends and they’ll tell you. I’ve become obsessed with my electronics. It’s just my nature.